Thank you for all of the followers to this site.  I would just like to take a moment to speak to the Anonymous person who decided to bash me and my former slaves!  You know who you are and this message is for you! I get the last laugh I have released all of them and I am going back to the one person in the world who I belong with ohhh and SHE read your comments to HER and WE know WHO it is!!!! MORON!!!

Thank you everyone else but this concludes this blog and I do not ever expect to blog here again!

Mistress Kristen
IHABAIAWB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aurora March 30, 2012

Today i felt a little weak but very happy. Played swtor and did some food shopping, I got 6 ready made dinner plates and 24 cans of one soda. When i got home i played with Mistress in swtor. Then she went to bed after telling me she feels a little lonely which i completely get and i feel for her. She gave me permission to try to please myself to completion.  My keyboard is going out. I have to go get another payday loan in the morning to buy a keyboard that means no food money til the 20th i just got more bad news i owe money to my flex spending account of 164.75 due in the morning i will call to find out more details.ok just went over my budget and i will have just enough to pay the bank loan and the flex spending account. So my cell bill will be late and that bill will be 275.00 due on the 20th plus rent 400.00 + 40 life insurance + swtor 15.00 ok If i understand what is going on with my flex account it  might not be that bad. This is what i think happened, they sent me checks and i cash them but they was sent by mistake.

Aurora March 29, 2012

Today i have been in a great mood.all day today. I played swtor and made level 48 before going to bed. stormy did come over to check on me and took me to Denny's for breakfast and it was really good.. Now going to do my affirmation and go to bed

Aurora March 28, 2012

Wednesday about 12:15 i made a fruit smoothie like I always do on my breaks but i have't made one in about a week.but i thought everything was ok looking and smelling. I put strawberries, peaches and black berries in my bullit mix and started drinking it. About 10 mins later I started sneezing out of the blue and then my eyes started hurting, while i managed to tell the customer to need to call them back and i ran down stairs and wash my face and hands. but that didn't help. my face was swelling up and at this Point i could only see out of my right eye. my roommates heard me making noise and coughing. so they came in and saw me on the floor. i managed to get Kim to tell my supervisor that I was sick. Then she called the hospital and order me to be pick up by them. When i got there i could no longer see and was worried because the hospital is 15 miles away and i had no way home. They check me in and ask me about my hormones and could not understand why i was on them. Then they moved me in the ER area and I lay there for 3 hours. Then the nurse came in and took my health card and said is this your husband and i said no i am transgender and their mood changed to lets get this freak out of her, so the doctor came in and look at me for 3 mins and said your fine go home. The discharge me in 1 min flat.And walk me to the lobby. Paul one of my roommates came and got me and I wet right to bed when i got home and in the morning I felt better..

Today i got some replies from some of people i message about doing some activities. One wants to go on bike rides which is a very good thing. And another wants to talk over coffee. Tonight at work it was back to normal and tonight i did not have any problems.

 Just when i thought i was getting things turned around, i get a left hook to my budget. The state of Oregon is taking 150.00 every 2 weeks from my pay check to pay back pcc the good news is its only going to happen from 4-20-2012 to 7-27-2012 after that I can try to see if I will ever be allowed to attend college. There is no over time at work and i can't seem to get an interview with any one. so i have no idea how i am going to keep my word short of selling my car. On the 20th of April i have rent 400.00 pcc 150.00 cell phone 116.00 and life insurance 40.00 and swtor 15.00 and what i should get on my paycheck is 850.00 which leaves me 129.00 for food. i can't even afford auto insurance any more. But the good news is that the next check i don't have any major bills coming out of it other then the 150.00 so that would leave me 700.00 for food and what ever else.So i might need to put off the trip to San Diego till May

Aurora March 26, 2012

i think i understand why so many transgender people commit suicide. not that i am thinking of doing that. its hard not to feel down when your single and sitting in a room alone day after day. its funny i can get dates easy as long as i never tell them i am trans. i know what i need to do with my life for the next few years but i can't focus on it cause i am alone and i can't stand to be alone, well i should say single. i am a good person i am worth loving. its hard to get though days like this where i don't when i might get to spend time with someone.

Update the above is all because i am so lonely and my job is dead only 1 chat every 30 mins and 1 call every 2 hours. If this continues there will be a layoff. My heart aches because i can't find any one that wants to date me. i just don't know how to get this emptiness to go away.


this girl is going to stop with the pity party attitude she has had the last few days. it serves no positive gain and only makes her viewed in a this favorable light. If she feels the need to do this she will save it for her therapist. 

Aurora March 25, 2012

i watch the TV show Touch cause that is my life in some ways and i understand it and believe its true. i come into people's lives for a reason and its not by chance or a mistake its to serve a good deed that only i can do. Right now i am at a cross roads where i don't know who or where i will be next. i do know that where i am now living is only a rest stop. i do believe in a greater being of some sort that speaks to us in ways we may not beware of. i can feel that voice some times. Like when some one is in trouble and i call when they need me to or when they need help but lack the voice or strength to express it. At this point in my life i can tell you why i enter everyone's life that i touch, Like the reason i had a child was to pass on the gift to do this to others. i now know my son will grow up and do the same things for others as i have. i feel it in my heart and soul. My reason for being on this earth is to help people and that is why it is impossible for me to kill myself. i will not die till my task is complete. Every TV show that i watch teaches me a lesson and opens my eyes a little more about who and what i am. The TV show touch is to remind me that i touch peoples lives in a special way that only i can. It showed it to me first in a book that Amy had. The book was a road map of my and my choices. As soon as i took the info the book moved on too someone else its meant to touch. i now understand i had to go to Kerrville not to help Nikki but to help my grandma that was my reason that only i could do. The powers that be sent me Kate because i needed her help to complete the task. if i didn't help her drive to Alpine,ca she would have died. And if i did not live with Kate she would have never moved in with her wife again. If i didn't write that first letter to my dad's new wife they would have got together and my dad would not find his spirit and love again. i could write all day express how me being in there lives help them reach a better point in there's. its not about me its about them. i see that now. That's why i get  such joy from helping them. 

Geesh

Well everyone I am going to interject here for a moment as something needs to be address.  I received comments last night from someone posting Anonymously. It seems that someone wants turn My slaves site into a bashing forum for something completely unrelated to my slaves.  A virtual attack on Myself for something completely unrelated. I don't know who you are or why you would do that in a forum that was obviously not for that,  I also think you are a PUSSY and a coward to hide behind the internet to say such slander.  If you have words for me say them to me face to face.  If not be gone and leave my slaves out of it.

Everyone else I am sorry that I had to interrupt  to put this notice. I hope everyone else enjoys reading their posts and continues to follow

Aurora March 24, 2012

i am having one of those days where i am feeling confused about my choices. i am pretty sure it has to do with the hack of sleep over the last 48 hrs. If i could have what i wanted out of life this is what i want. A D/s relationship where i was the alpha. But one that allowed cuddling and love. One where the protocol is there when it should be and relax a bit when its just the two of us so i maybe closer to my partner. One that likes to go out to clubs to flirt. To have a partner that wants me to better myself and is smart enough to guide me to that end. i need that binding love again. i have had it three times in my life. The first time was in high school and the second was to my x-wife and the last time was with Amy. And Amy is the strongest because its Jennifer's first love. i want to believe i can be a partner that is equal to a wife to someone. Nothing reminds me how alone i am then in the morning and evening when there is no one to say i love you. its like a knife being press into my heart. Lately i have been feeling that the best i can hope for is to be someone's third. i hope and pray that is not true. And its not helping that its slow at work, no calls or chats in 16 mins so far. i am sitting here crying and wishing i could call someone so that i can feel less alone. Kim is great to be around but i cannot afford to go out as much as her and it drives me a way from my goals. i like my Mistress and want to do things that make her happy but i am unsure if i will ever lover in the way that i need. what i mean is that my love might be that of a sister or bff. i wonder if you can have the same kind of love from your partner in a D/s lifestyle. without that close love of a partner i feel i may stray, and continue my search for it.When your in love with your partner you want to see them happy as much as they want to see me happy.One of thing to note, Amy came over to pay me a visit and i wonder if i am feeling this way cause she is toxic to my heart and soul. i do not have the strength to boot her from my life and i really don't want to cause she has always been there for me. i have to admit that nights like this i do think about hanging myself, just so the pain would end. but i don't cause i believe it can get better.i feel so bad right now that i want to toss my lunch.

Aurora March 23, 2012

well i played swtor after recovering from my hang over. That reminds me to drink slower and a little less.But most of all eat before i drink. In swtor i made 39 before the servers went off line at 12 midnight and so i decide with my free time to apply for some jobs that are part time. i hope i at least hear from them. Friday at 5:30 pm i got a dinner date with Kim at chevy's and i have a therapist appointment at 1 pm.

Aurora March 22, 2012

i hate myself more then anyone should. i lost my grandma's ring cause i did some thing dumb and i know better or at least I should. tonight i drink mysef silly and lost her ring as a result. i called the club 4 mins after they closed and left a message. i will in the morning and everyday till i reach someone. i don't deserve a Mistress or happiness for what i did.

Aurora March 21, 2012

i woke up sore today and as the day went along i started feeling worse and worse. The about 7 pm my head started to hurt. While i was talking with my Mistress i seem to black out and then found my self in the living room with my roommates laughing at me. i don't know why they was laughing at me and i didn't want to ask to i ran back up stairs with my Mistress laughing as well and that i did not mind a bit. i called in sick and then went to bed for a few hours and i got up about midnight i think. So i got on swtor and played. i meet two people that say they play a lot and made them a friend in game. The story line is getting better and better. i played cause i am so excited about tonight. i haven't been dancing in a very long time cause i didn't have any one to dance with that was near my height. So off to bed i go after i do my affirmation.

Aurora March 20, 2012

i am so looking forward to Wednesday night and getting out of the room and going dancing. But out side of that I had a really super time with Mistress today. She did hypnosis on me and now has control of my orgasms and she remove that curse of me having to pee when i hear water run. it feels so strange not to have control over my orgasms. its exciting and feels right for her to have that control. i am not sure what else she might program into me or what else she can do with it.

Aurora March 19, 2012

i can't seem to find a way out of the loop i am in. i keep finding people that are out of my area forcing me to make a hard choice or a leap faith. Or they are married or mentally ill or i am the rebound. Or maybe i am curse and this is my cross to bare. i feel lost in a sea of choices. Some times i wish i could snap my fingers and go back to Chicago  and work out a way to come right back. Life was easier as a slave i did as i was told. i did not question. i did not have to worry about choices. it was simple focus on them and if they was happy i was happy as long as i did not think about my past and not being loved ever again.

Aurora March 18, 2012

i didn't do a whole lot yesterday..just went to winco to get food for the next 6 days and then i came home and played swtor. My work shift was busy and i wanted to see how many tickets i could do in a shift and i was able to do about double my normal ticket out put. i talk to my friend Kim for a bit and she invited me to lunch at 11 am. i really like talking to her. She reminds me of my sister in the way she looks and the way she talks. well off to bed.

Aurora March 17, 2012

tonight my eyes are really bugging me. Cloudy and dry. and my neck and back are hurting bad. but other then that its been a good night.

Intresting

I have released my male slave...Unfortunately he did not work out!! He will be missed!

Aurora March 16, 2012

Last night was a nice surprise. i got invited to hang out with a friend and we talk about family and life all night long and in fact i just got home. She has all kinds of medical problem but she seems to have them under control. We hung out at a strip club and not a single girl dancing has bigger then an A cup. that was really surprising. That lasted about 30 mins and then we to a coffee shop and hung out where we could talk and then went to apple bee's till near closing and then talk out by the car for another  hour or so. Now off to bed.

March 16, 2012

it is NOT missing this blog lol. it just got out of the shower from a very extensive cleaning, which feels very good. it kind of wants to plug itself, but it will not do so without permission or instructions from Mistress. it also wonders if Mistress has still left the key out so that it might simply sleep there waiting for Her in bed when She comes home. it is conflicted in the fact that it looks forward to seeing Her, but also fears Mistress the longer it goes without seeing Her... it is very worried about it's impending punishment. Very very worried. But it also looks forward to the future with Her, sleeping in bondage for Her, waking up in Her home, and being available for Her regular use and happiness ^_^

Um... it does not have much else to say, it is going to resume it's research. ^_^

Aurora March 15, 2012

don't know if what i am feeling is right or not but today i feel very depress and sad. i know i should not be but i do any ways. i can't to think about the past and what i gave up to be me. Some times i feel like i should have let Michael stay in control and just continued the lies. i am not sure what felt worse the lie that was my life or being honest and being alone.i just want the pain to go away. i want love and need to be loved. i need to be someone's first choice not second third or what ever.

In the later part of the evening Mistress did her best to cheer me up and tell me its not long till i will be with her and know all is real and true. i feel better but still i know the pain is inside of me. its going to be hard leaving Portland cause i know the people and have started to feel comfortable here. i have most of my minor needs here. But they should be replace able.

March 15, 2012

it is struggling to understand this interface which has caused it's prior entry to be removed by accident. There was a comment though stating that it will be punished and it will remember from now on... it is somewhat worried. :/ it knows that it will take whatever pain Mistress ever deems upon it. The silent stage it took the last time it was punished is evidence of that -this submissive will accept it's punishment in whatever form that takes. it feels like a giant failure right now and still is not totally relieved from it's headpains :/ prescription med time it supposes.

Aurora March 14, 2012

Tonight was very quite at my job..1 call every 45 mins and chats every 15 mins. Today i have to get my hair done and maybe nails. Also i have another doctors appoint for my back. Then i get to come home and get more sleep and relax. i was thinking of applying for a new job, and work it if i get till i move down. It would look good on the resume and its what i need to get my surgery. i am really tired right now.

Aurora March 13, 2012

i had a very scary and real feeling dream today and when i awoke i felt terrified. i am beginning to fear going to sleep. That's 3 days in a row i have had a bad dream and they keep getting worse.
Other then the nightmare i had today my day was very relaxing. i went to get my neck and back looked at and they said its repairable. i played SWTOR when i got home and after a few hours i went to help make dinner. When i got back on the PCc i check my email and  a old friend wrote me and asked me out Thursday night cause she heard though the grape vine that i wasn't getting out enough. So i will at least get some time out in public.

March 13, 2012

it forgot to journal this morning... between stomach pains and other little distractions and curiosities for Mistress. :( it doesn't have all that much to say because it has already been communicating with Mistress the last 24 hours

Aurora March 12, 2012

i find it hard on days like these to be alone and have to the be the begging for attention. i am about to break down and spend the rest of the day crying...i know i am not be alone forever and there are people out there that do spend time with me, but its rare once a week and some others its once every few months. i think i deserve to be loved. But as of late i am start to doubt my value. Everyone i know has a mate or lover, even my x-girl friend found someone. This leads me to thinking whats the point...i get up i eat i go walking and i help kim or paul. But no one calls and says what you doing? would you like to go do some thing..its always me begging. if i have to beg..does that mean i am really not wanted? i keep trying to tell my self it won't be forever. Just get back in college and maybe just maybe you might meet someone..but honestly the college age person is in there early 20's and would never date someone my age unless they got some thing from me. I haven't felt really loved since i was married. The kind of love where the person doesn't want any one else just me..i just wish the pain would end. or void in my heart could be filled.i want a hug but there is no one to give me one. 

Continued from same day

 

Had a really relaxing day playing SWTOR and chatting with another sub that plays SWTOR. And had a filling dinner. about 90 min in to my shift i get an error with the Ninjato software and i let my supervisor Sean Brooks know about it and the first thing he says its on my end and he may have to write me up if i don't fix it right away. He says its my ISP or my network and then he says you need to update your network drivers. While he telling me all this I reach out to another engineer and ask him if he can open the ticket that gives me the error and he can't and that engineer asks command and they can't open it. so the engineer tell Sean he can't open and same with command. Sean then says command tells me corrupted and does he tell me sorry no. Stress me the hell out and it wasn't my fault. That man needs to be bitch slap so bad. its been 4 hours and still no break.

March 12, 2012

Hmmm, it doesn't have much to say. Just pondering, lots of pondering, and perhaps some dreaming. Lusty, happy dreaming, lol. And dreaming of futures... which is quite nice. it is a happy one today... it doesn't have much else to say, at some point when it reached a certain level of submission it stopped feeling much to say anymore.

Aurora March 11, 2012

i had a really weird dream when i went to bed last morning. its my second day in a row where i am a baby in it. but this time i was being abused.  if i had to take a guess at what it might mean..i would say i have a small fear of giving up total control to another because of what Kate did to me and what my last owners did. i have been thinking really hard about where my life is at and where i want it to go. i just don't know the right choice to make.

March 11, 2012

Calmer...

Today felt calmer. Probably due to a number of things. it got to see friends today. That sounds silly, but it really hasn't gotten to see friends in... months. it needed that. Good god it feels calmer now. it still feels submissive to Mistress, it appreciates Her offers to continue without submission, but it does not wish to remove that element from relations, it wishes to find a happy balance between being a boyfriend, and being a submissive. it feels most comfortable deferring to a dominant Mistress in relationships, it simply needs to figure out what it's wants and needs are in that regard, and figure out how that would line up with Mistress as well. it has not had, and still does not have any hard feelings towards Mistress... The longer it writes these, the more it affirms the more bound it feels. it is beginning to feel almost as though there is already a collar around it's neck emotionally. That's not a bad thing, but that is part of what scared it so much, now that it has time to think. it felt as though it was somehow being collared before actually agreeing to it, like Mistress just took it's heart and grabbed it firmly, put a lock on it, and left this one bound without asking it first... and the truth is that Mistress had that effect because of how it feels towards her, and it can't resist that feeling when thinking of her. it still has a couple things to process... but it is feeling far more comfortable... just needs a bit more time to feel less... frantic.

it dreamt  not long ago -actually dreamt, not fantasized, not read or wrote... But actually woke from a dream in which the world was actually led by women as a gender. Men had similar rights to women in the 1930's. We were human, but we were considered intellectually inferior, and unfit to make major life decisions... A male's ideal life would be to find a strong woman who knew her place in the world, and to be by her side, her submissive partner, yielding to her decisions and obeying as one might see a housewife do a la old black and white syndicated television. The man sat in the passenger seat at all times, carried the bags, still opened doors; but did not speak up unless appropriate, many wore silver collars round their necks, sometimes with tags of ownership, and they all knew their place... it was an odd but very nice dream. Perhaps this one will write something longer about it as a short story some time. The dream does speak volumes to this one's true subconscious desires, and well, while it has been nervous about sharing the dream, it feels that the knowledge might make Mistress smile... and She deserves to smile when reading this... it hopes to start making many more happy entries again. This dream scared it originally... scared it a lot. Largely, because it added to the whole panic effect... "What is this collar, and why does it seem to be bound tightly round my heart? Who the hell put a padlock on this? When did I say that this was okay!?! I didn't agree to this yet!" ...but the truth is that submission doesn't ask permission, a submissive nature exists whether this one wants that nature to exist or not... submission cannot truly be turned off or controlled. Submission is a reflex, an instinct, a pre-determined destiny. it feels far more at peace today.

it did not sleep well last night, it's neighbors downstairs have been smoking pot, right out their window it thinks, because it is routinely smelling marijuana in the late mornings. And only through it's open window. it hates that smell. it doesn't care if someone else wants to smoke the stuff -but this one shouldn't have to smell it. Blarg.

This one is off to affirm, and to think fondly of Mistress... and probably wake up half humping it's bed again, since it hasn't cum in a while, lolololol!

-happy pet.

Snag

I am sorry about the lack of my other slaves journals we had a bit of a hang up and we are hopefully all good now!!

Aurora March 10, 2012

i got a performance review today and it went alright.  its not my first I get one with every supervisor because i don't do it their way. i spent most of the shift in training. it's 4:32 am and might get to take my first call soon. My SSD drive is almost full and i still need to find a copy of office to install. Plus i need to find a way to get the data off one of my external drives as i think its about to die if its not dead already. This PC is stable and fast. But i do want to get my other PC back up and running so i can have access to the data on it.    

Aurora March 9, 2012

Ever since i woke up today i have felt more alone then normal and i found out my Mistress likes being alone or at least does not dislike it. i know i am property to her and its my place but i would be healthier if i had someone that loved me and wanted to be around me. Don't get me wrong i love to serve others and be there for them.my life down there won't be like it is here where i get to play swtor when i am feeling alone or need it to take my mind off being alone. i know i am giving up my right to speak to others when i want to. i don't even know if i will ever be used sexually by her or any one else. i know there are cuter and more sexually appealing people to her that she has access to.

Aurora March 8, 2012

i went to bed last night early guessing 7:30pm i honestly don't remember...i had an a very long dream last night about the living dead and how i would react to it.i was scared and alone.and it felt like a whole and night in the dream.this is what i remember about the dream...i woke and i was in a town but not one i have been in before.no one was around and i got on my PC and the power was off and didn't know why...went looking though the apartment for signs of power but everything was dead...i went looking for food but there was none and that felt strange cause i remember getting some..so i went out side and no cars was going by..even stranger...and started wondering if i had been sleep for more then a day..felt my face and no hair..OK..must only be a day...made it to the local mini mall..no one around..OK i started to get scared...i saw damage to buildings and cars..and no bodies alive or dead..i managed to find some can goods and took them back to where i woke up at...and when i got back there i saw my SUV with all of my stuff in it...thought to my self i don't remember moving...or packing...what's going on Jen...wake up this has to be a dream...could not awake myself...this must be really happening ...oh shit...so i went inside and lock up the place as best i could since i had no idea what was going on..and as night fall came i started hearing things and looked out the windows and thought i saw movement but i could not see anything...i opened the front door and it was hard to see with no lights or moonlight...but i knew for sure something was out there coming closer to me... i ran back inside and slammed the door shut...made sure the door was locked and blocked by objects..i put towels over the windows to block anything from seeing in...in the oven i turned it into a fire place and had a small fire to see by and keep me warm...then at the back door i heard someone knocking and quietly screaming to be let in...i moved over to a window and look out and saw someone...so i let her in..but before i could see who it was i woke up shaking...it was a dream....Then i started thinking about the living dead and how once the living dead was stopped how life would rebuild its self. well the good news would be electric cars would be the easiest thing to build as it does not take much these days to make electricity. we would all be healthy again because food would go back to being completely natural. i think life would become a lot like the age before cars and planes...we would have electricity and water, but gas once used up would be gone for a long time, most likely there would be no one left that knew how to make it. i hate to say it but there would also be nobody with any major disabilities left, in many ways this might be the best thing for man kind and mother earth.

Aurora March 7, 2012

early in the morning it snowed and it was nice to see it. i got some much need rest and when i got up i took my roommate to the doctor. When i got back i washed my face and cleaned my room.After that i played SWTOR on my main and got it to 38. Then i started looking at different guilds and who was on. The only guild that has people on during the day to evening hours is ToR: Guild Black Rose Society so i started a bounty hunter there and got her to 10th level. Then I took a nap till i started my shift at work.Work has been quite.

Aurora March 6, 2012

i had a bad night at work cause i got a ticket from another tech and he messed it up, and So i get chewed out for there being so much time on the ticket and when i found a way to get the PC to boot up to normal mode i got chewed out for the way i did it. it took me 2 mins to fix the problem. the way i should have done it would have take 15 mins and might not have booted to normal mode on the first try or second. my way was to get it to normal mode and then back track by adding one program at a time to start up. and there way i need to take notes of every file i disable or enable as i go along. me i would fix and then write what the cause  was. Most likely the guru person i am working with will write me up and since i am on probation i may get fired over this. If i do it there way i have a really long ticket time and get written up. if i do it my way i get written up for not doing it there way if i seek help. i over ate a little tonight or at least i think did. i had 5 corn dogs and 1 can of chili while i was working. i am also worried about my PC not lasting till i get a replacement. we was not able to fix the computer problem and i had to spend my break explaining and defending myself to a supervisor to try and a void getting fired. i am feeling very stressed right now. I made a txt and copied the chat with the supervisor and Tl to it.

March 6, 2012

it is nervous. it has it's appointment today. it has much catching up to do. it is a jumble of nerves.

Aurora March 5, 2012

i feel empty inside for some reason. i almost feel like crying and all i can say is that i need something as simple as a hug. i thought i would get to play with my Mistress today but i am sure she found something to do. awaking up alone and being alone all day is damaging to her soul and heart.

Continued Journal
 i got to play with my Mistress today and it was very relaxing and fun.i am starting to get attached to her and been thinking about my life with her. i finished watching Battlestar tonight and now i can't stop crying. Why do i do this to myself. i worked a lot of tickets tonight but i also got to work on my trade skill in SWTOR. Staying busy keeps me awake and focus. i just got done with my affirmation and thought i would add more here. my shift got busy the last 2 hours and i feel good. i must admit i am not looking forward to being naked in front of people i don't know but if it makes my Mistress happy then it will make me happy. it will be nice to see my grandma again and get to spend time with her. i have been looking at my nails and wish i could have them longer but it would make typing harder, but i really love having longer nails. Well i am off to bed in a few mins after i write a few hundred  words for my punishment

March 5, 2012

Hmmm, it does not have much to say... it's chest still hurts from coughing and the acid flare up, but... it is happy that the burning sensations are gone, and that the chemical burn effect will heal in a day or two. it is also glad that it has communicated with Mistress more today... it likes getting back to that.

Aurora March 4, 2012

 Today i only got about 4.5 hours of sleep and my neck and shoulder are in pain. Part of it is because of the lack of sleep and i must have slept on it wrong. My first customer at work has no idea what her computer power button is or where its located. EYES rolling..Mistress and i went though both the rules and contract today. After that we played SWTOR till about 9 pm then i took a nap before work. its 12:41 am and i'm starting to feel a bit tired. i can tell that I will sleep good today. i am excited and scared at the same about meeting Mistress. i know her no way and when i meet her in person she will be a different person to me. i have been
thinking about getting a better corset for long term wear to train my waist and help control how much i eat. i have done a fair amount of research in this area and it has lead me to someone who makes custom corsets and she is asking what i feel are the right questions to help me get what i need in a corset. She even ask since she notice i listed as a slave " One last thing- I hope you don't mind me being presumptuous, but I noticed you were a slave- Do you want to ask your owner if they think you should have a locking corset belt? "

March 4, 2012

Hrmm... it just got a very heartfelt email from Mistress. And it feels very badly, it does not intend to hurt Her in any way. it sees a therapist because this is the only way it can deal with certain things -with a trained medical professional. it cannot explain why it does or feels all the things it does... it is very complex, and it only frustrates people who try to make sense of it. it does not intend this.

it will make a point to communicate better moving forward... it is still dealing with its issues until its appt Tuesday, and it spent most of today trying to stop coughing up blood... acid reflux went into overdrive last night and its throat feels like someone filleted it down the middle. it seriously wishes there were a longer term solution to fix this... bit it doesn't know of one. Ugh. God that hurt, and it is SO very tired from lack of sleep and disappointment. it feels hollow and sick and somewhat useless right now... it knows that Tuesday will make that better ^_^

Aurora March 3, 2012

This girl got a little sleep during the day and full nights rest the night before. She talk to stormy and work some things out and this girl wants to see if they really do happen. Stormy said she is going to see me at least one night a week and stay over at my place twice a month.But this girl is  not going to have her stay over cause the night she would this girl has to work.And this girl does not want to change the relationship from any thing but a D/s type. This had an option to live with stormy but it was better for this girl to stay here. This girl knows what kind of a leap of faith it would be to move out of here. If for what ever reason Mistress choose to have this girl leave she will have no place to go to start over. And there is no way she can afford to live in S.D. by her self. Many times in this girls life has she face this same choice to move or to stay with what she knows. This girl is looking for to a visit to Mistress in April some time for a week. But this choice to leave stormy can only be made if stormy fails any more to do what she says. This girls needs to feel safe first that means she needs to know that if she has some thing bad happen that she won't be toss away to the streets. This girl next week needs to ask if there would be any problem with working in California with her job. She doesn't think there will be but she needs to know for sure. On a light side note this girl went out to eat sushi tonight and got all dolled up. And today she made lvl 18 in swtor...still no ship. This girl does not want to lose her Mistress as a friend no matter what happens. Moving is not a simple choice,nor is it a cheap one. Cost from here to there would be about 600-700 for gas,motel,food. And I would need a little extra in case I have car trouble like last time. I have no one that would come rescue me

March 3, 2012

it is still dealing with it's downswing... it is scared and concerned and doubting itself on so many levels right now. it is not presentable. it wishes it had an anecdote or something lighter to brighten this mood, but it is unable to think of any at this moment... :(

it has a large concern, because it is also realizing that it occasionally does get a strong desire to switch, and it does not know how that would be able to work with Mistress, and well... that's a very real concern.

it is waiting until Tuesday, so that it can weight out it's concerns about this with some assistance.

Aurora March 2, 2012

This girl's punishment is to write a 2400 word essay on her past history and from the time she meet Mistress till now and what she hopes to gain from it. She is looking forward this and to getting back to work. In the morning or afternoon her friend Stormy will be coming over and spending some time with her. She hope to be able to talk to her about the past and what may change. This girl feels in debt to Stormy for what she has done to help her. She doesn't want to end things for the wrong reasons or in haste. If this girl needs to leave Portland and all the great things she has access to she wants it to be for the right reason.She has a therapist that really goes out of her way to help and be available to her. She also has a Doctor that really listens to her.Also she has a hair dresser that is amazing and doesn't cost much to take care of her. about 100.00 to multi color her hair and cut and style it. She also has a very safe place to live and they like to play swtor with her. All these things are rare.

March 2, 2012

The depression seems to be in full swing. it contacted no one yesterday, it sat in it's apartment and thought. it does not like doing this. it wants it's appointment sooner rather than later.

Aurora March 1, 2012

Mistress was nice to this girl and let her play SWTOR with her. Most of the day was spent starring out the window at the out side world. She fall a sleep in her chair last night.She is not happy with her self for this.

 Yesterday 2-29-2012 was a good day that ended on a very bad note by doing a simple thing that could have avoided by setting a recurring alarm in its phone the be a daily reminded to start its affirmation by no later then 8:00 am. It has been doing it right after work but this was its first day off since it started. It has since corrected the error for the future but it still has to except that it failed this simple task it was given. Mistress was very kind letting her play a game with Mistress and it repaid that kindness by forgetting to set an alarm and doing its daily journal and affirmation  by 9 am. Mistress had to ask and It knows that Mistress should never have to ask.

March 1, 2012

it missed rabbit rabbit rabbit. This is unfortunate.

it is also generally depressed and really looking forward to it's appt next week :/

Aurora February 29, 2012

This girl went to bed right after she did her 30 mins when its shift ended. Then it could only sleep for about 4 hours and then got up and started watching " the walking dead" till about 5:30 pm and then it went back to bed till the start of its shift at 10:00 PM. Its shift has been very slow and quite so far. Its wanting to play SWTOR but it feels that it would be wrong until after the 11th. But it will do what ever Mistress tells it to do

February 29, 2012

it is nearly three weeks in, and it has had an oddly reflective night at the office. The phones slowed down a lot in the last couple hours, and it was left with it's thoughts. it hates being left with it's thoughts. As someone with ADHD and a genetic pre-disposition towards depression... Having that kind of time with it's thoughts is not the most pleasant experience. That time becomes a battle to keep positive tones and not to dwell too hard on the past.

On a positive note, it has technically sold the first copy of it's book today. So that felt good. it hopes that the mass print version will be available VERY soon. it is so tired of being in the 'final touches' stage.

it has had a rough week at work, feeling like a bit of a failure regarding stats at the office. But some of these things were out of it's hands, and the calls which wind up scored are chosen at random. So there's a definite element of luck there, and this month it's luck was terrible. Which is a shame, because it could have gotten a raise if it had three months in a row of good stats -this was to be it's third. That's more than 60 days of grueling hard work down the drain.

As it said... it is *trying* to stay positive, but this can be exceedingly difficult.

it had a lot of time today, with it's thoughts, it's fears, and it's concerns. And it had to confront them more tonight, rather than living in the moment and doing what feels right. it has concerns about a number of things, which it has been pushing back, because well, it feels right and it knows it's right place is at Mistress' feet, owned, submissive, happy. The conflict that it is having comes from it's [forcefully] found independence over the last couple years. it has been trained -by life and by relationships, not to depend on anyone, not to get too attached to anyone, not to let anyone completely in. When Mistress looks at me, reads me, knows what my heart wants, it is both gratifying and terrifying. How could I have let someone in so deep? How could I have let someone so close? She could destroy me at my very core... I'm not that strong, not so strong as everybody thinks. Inside, deeper, I'm honestly a very bitter, brittle and delicate broken person. I've rebuilt myself several times now. I've had to rebuild my self esteem and my self worth too many times. I lived with one woman for more than a year... After that she said that because of me she didn't know what love was anymore. I was married to a hellish woman -a bipolar ex-drug addict who refused to take her medications, whom I remained faithful and loyal to through hell and back... She cheated on me. She found a man via WoW (Yes, there's a damn good reason I'm bitter about that game), and she told him what a wretched and abusive husband I was (I wasn't), she told him how I belittled her (Quite the opposite), and she started quietly storing money away to move out... I had to find out from her sister that my wife was cheating on me -with a 17 year old boy, still attending high school, living in his grandparents basement. They met on WoW, "It was true love" she told me. She wasn't sorry for cheating, she wouldn't pretend to be. It was my fault, I drove her to it with my horrible behavior. I believed her for a while. Her family swooped in and quickly informed me otherwise, or I might not have made it through that ordeal. I served loyally a young couple, one largely experienced, one just beginning her journey as a Domme; they were friendly, they were hip, they were geeky like myself. I offered loyalty and servitude to them, dropping everything for them to be of service. They lost interest, became more intrigued by their work and friends, and stopped calling for me altogether. I wasn't desirable to them. I served a sadist... I mean a real sadist. A hard, abrasive, no holds barred, break you down sadist. And I loved her... she never knew it but I did. The more she beat me, the more she ran her blades over my flesh, the breath-play -her hand at my throat as she kissed me, the cbt, the absolute sense of devotion I had to her... One day she yelled at me. And not a little. A lot. She told me I had betrayed her, I couldn't be trusted. All I had done was approach her trainee (as instructed in these cases) and asked for more advice on how to better serve and please her. That was all. But I was suddenly worthless, unwanted, untrusted. Valueless and despicable. Broken again, in a very real very deep way. I had given my all. But, there to pick up the pieces was another. She was not a Domme, she was a newer kinkster, she was a switch. She was playful and friendly and open and true. She had beautiful red hair and a smile that melted my heart in an instant. I opened up to her, I couldn't not do it. I let her in, I shared my secrets, my darkness and my unspoken desires one by one. And over time, she only accepted me. She did not care that I had a child, she did not care that as a minor I was nearly responsible for a large scale massacre, she did not care that I was already divorced by the age of 25, she just accepted me. And the more I shared the more we grew together. We were reluctant to title the relationship at all, she was somewhat recently out of a marriage herself, so I let her simply enjoy the moment, and I worked at my confidence to let that be enough. Going so long without hearing the words "I love you" is really quite a trial -I knew she was worth it, worth all that wait. After a year, she had a choice... and she chose to move to Denmark for a new job position. She could not invite me, and I could not come on this journey. We talked at great length, and opted for long distance. I stretched myself beyond natural limits to be there when she could talk, to keep her updated, and to make her feel like we weren't so far apart. Emails each morning, chat at least once a week. All the while asking how she was doing, and encouraging her while she was so lonely in a strange country. Her company paid for her to visit occasionally back to the states. Those weekends were treasured... When she came back after the first six months she told me that she loved me. We hugged, we cried, and when I turned around after watching her drive away for the airport I cried far more. I couldn't even hide the tears from my friends. I don't cry. Ever. Six months later, she visited again, she had been faced with another decision. Come back to the states and enjoy more than six months-worth of pay as they closed her office, or stay in a foreign country with no contacts, no grasp on the native language, and no documentation for a prospective employer. One of these choices seemed much easier, and I was eager for her to come back. She didn't choose that. She came to me, and we talked, and I knew what was coming by the look of her eyes. The smile was gone, and the curve at the corner of her mouth was nowhere to be seen. She was holding back tears as she told me that she had decided to stay in a foreign country, and she would not allow me to come with her. And all I could do was support her and try not to think that a strange life in a foreign land full of uncertainty and probably financial failure was somehow more enticing than coming back to the states to be with me. Perhaps that is an unfair way to look at it. But when one weighs out the two sides of that decision, it seems difficult not to see it as a personal statement.

These aren't all the moments it has been through, but these are some of the heavier ones, there are more. And when it is alone with it's thoughts, these and more haunt it. it can't let these things go, and it does not know how to trust. it has built up a barrier around itself, a barrier it must sustain. it knows only how to ask Mistress not to pass that barrier, it worries that it cannot keep her out. But what is inside that barrier is an ugly, battered, broken and unhappy thing. it does not like what is at it's core anymore. But it needs to ignore that to continue on. Otherwise it must face the truths that can't be dealt with, can't be worked through. And it can not go down that path.

it's father passed on December 18th, 2007. He was never a happy man, he was angry and unwilling to accept the life he had created for himself, yet unwilling to institute change or improvement. Instead, he made everyone around him miserable. As it entered high school, it saw his first suicide attempt. He had swallowed pills, a lot of them. He then had second thoughts and called the paramedics. He had left notes all over the house for it's mother. A well thought out plan. it remembers sitting by his side in the hospital. Breathing tubes in his nose, and that awful, numbing white apron with the little blue diamonds all over it. He looked at me, and he carefully took my hand, he was still weak, the pills had started taking their toll before his stomach could be pumped. He looked me in the eye, and he apologized to me, for never being there and never taking interest in my life. He gave me his word that he was going to change that, and that he wanted to get to know me. Mom came back, the doctors needed to change his IV and they wanted him to rest more, it was time for me to go. A week later, he was back at his desk, browsing online auctions and ignoring me as much as he could. When I asked him if he wanted to ride bikes, or do something else, he simply said "Not now" and "I'm busy". I gave up after three weeks of trying. A few years later, he tried again, it was my senior year of high school. That's supposed to be the good one, the last year before you become a responsible adult. The school year started off with my mom discovering him on the floor. He'd cut himself clean across the wrist. I didn't see the blood, but I wasn't allowed back into the house until it had been professionally bleach and steam cleaned. Seeing the size of that lighter toned circle in the carpet where the cleaners had done their best to inconspicuously clean it, with a hint of darker tones around the edges only confirmed how big the blood spot had been on the floor. I still see that when I visit. I don't know if it's visible, but I see it. When he came back, he vowed to fix things. He wrote me a letter, before and after he had made the attempt. Begging for my forgiveness, begging my mom for hers. And afterwards, he promised to get more involved, he told me that I was now a man, and he'd missed out on my childhood, but he refused to miss the rest of my life. How can you miss the childhood of your offspring when they sleep right across the hall from you? it's like you'd nearly have to be there for it on accident. Needless to say he never followed through. My mom later conjured up a surprise divorce process to finish out the second half of senior year -ensuring that I would have wonderfully traumatic occurrences on each side. She told me ahead of time, and then told me not to tell him. She told me that she was planning to stay with her mom. I couldn't come, her mom only had room for one. I knew I couldn't stay with my dad. I was barely 18 and not yet out of high school and I was hearing that my folks were leaving me with no place to stay. For the next few weeks, life felt like a blur of unpleasant conversation. Dad told me about their sex life, mom told me about the wedding, they told me about all the promises both broken and kept. I heard everything. Every bit of it, all the things that a child shouldn't hear. Ever. And through all of this, I was somehow a mediator, steadfast and determined and somehow stronger than both of them combined. They stayed together... And my old man left his promises to stop taking me for granted by the wayside. My role was complete, I was no longer of interest or value. This seems to be a life theme.

On September 2nd, of 2007, my wife moved out. She gathered up everything she wanted, left the apartment a filthy disgusting mess full of her trash and unwanted junk, and I sat in my apartment feeling truly alone and abandoned. On December 15th, 2007 I got the call from my mother that my father was in the hospital. She had come home to find post it notes all over the house -notes about everything. Where to ship eBay items, how to work the thermostat, how to control the sprinklers, codes for bank accounts and financial necessities, love letters and apologies to her. I saw the stack later, there were quite easily over 100 of them scattered throughout the house. He had thought of every single thing, and once he had he stepped into the garage, wheeled his motorcycle up into the storage room and shut the door before taping a rubber hose to the exhaust, and then putting it in his mouth. She found the notes again, it must have been one truly eerie site... I do not envy her that. I went to be with her that day, we visited the hospital, he was in a coma. I held his limp hand, and spoke to him. I left with my mother, angry. She went through all the notes, and I asked her if he had left any of them for me. He hadn't. In more than 100 notes, filled with everything from 'I love you' to 'I am sorry' to 'Be sure to turn the green knob past the yellow dot for the sprinklers', he didn't feel I was worth saying so much as a goodbye to. The next day I visited him in the hospital once more, still in a coma, likely not coming out any time soon. Before I could find his room, I sat in the cafeteria a bit, my fellow submissive at the time was with me. She had no idea what to even say, she knew we weren't close. Just sitting there, I knew this was my last opportunity to say something, and the death seemed to be creeping in even from there. I found his room, took his hand one more time, and I told him "I forgive you"... I'm not a superstitious person, nor am I a religious one... I'm quite the opposite. In fact, western religion and new age tend to be somewhat offensive to me at times. But as I forgave him, I swear that just for a second, his fingers curled into my hand, and he let out a sigh. That was the last time I will see my old man. I don't hate him for what he did. His role in my life brought much pain, and most of the lessons I learned from him were in 'what NOT to do'; but on the 18th of December 2007 when the hospital called to tell me that they were pulling the plug because he was showing no signs of improvement and had no health care to foot the bill... this one was at peace with the matter.

it is not angry at him, it has genuinely forgiven him. But this one can not forget, that even from a young age, it has been worthless, ignored, and unwanted by even those who should most love it. Perhaps it has developed a complex, and clearly it has some emotional issues that it must wrestle with for some time to come... but between the damage of relationships, and the damage of it's own family's behaviors... it is terrified of opening up, and knows only how to close itself off. it has scheduled it's next appointment with it's therapist, perhaps another part of it's life that it has not yet shared with Mistress. The therapist helps it to feel safe in expressing it's concerns because it is genuinely incapable of doing so within a relationship; and based on it's history, therapists tend to say that's going to be a rather permanent wall for this one. it can not be what Mistress wants, it cannot be completely open, it cannot correctly express it's feelings. it is too worn and damaged.

it is going to bed to try and sleep off all the things that it has been confronted with. it is not affirming today, because it cannot shake the thoughts that filled this entry, and the affirmations will serve counter to their purpose. it understands that it has not maintained protocol throughout this entry, but it recalls that this is a safe place, and it was writing out of true feelings and passions... it accepts punishment if that must be had Mistress.

Aurora February 28, 2012

This girl was really freaked out by her supervisor and is still freaking because this girl is trying to do the best she can but some things take time to resolve and the supervisor is not being very understanding. As a result this girl only got about 3 hours of sleep today. And until this girl can resolve the software crash with incoming calls she will be very stressed. This girl is doing every thing she can to resolve the work problems. To that end this girl went to fry's today to get a video card and she was talked into spending more then she wanted to. What this girl ended up getting was a evga 560 ti ftw for 289.00. That solves the ghosting and other problems. so all that is left is fixing ninjato crashes with incoming calls. This girl managed not to buy fast food twice today and tonight she is going to eat like 5 corn dogs over the course of her shift. The rest of this girl's shift went uneventful. She is happy that her computer is working better. She about to start her mins and then get some much needed sleep.

February 28, 2012

As it nears three weeks, it is still somewhat in awe of Mistress, and how quickly She pulls it's heart into Her. it does not know what much to type today, other than to say it slept a LOT yesterday, or rather it slept until very late, because it tossed and turned so late into the morning, and even a bit of the afternoon. it intends to go heavier on the sleeping supplements today to ensure timely sleep. Hmm... not much else. it hasn't had much time do really do much of anything lately. it lacks free time, and feels it is becoming a dull boy. lol.

this dull boy is off to perform affirmations and then to sleep.

Aurora February 27, 2012

This girl slept most of the day till about 4 pm when my x-Mistress from chicago called for tech support because they got a rootkit virus. I tried to get connected to there computer which is a laptop but it kept over heating and shutting down. So this girl ended up having to just give them the names of the programs they will need to remove the virus. Then I went down stairs to talk with my roommate about Stormy not showing up today or calling or texting. This girl hope she is ok...a long time friend of her's committed suicide a few days ago.
This girl did manage to clean her room and start a load of clothes washing but could not finish cause the dryer was in use. About 7 PM this girl got a video chat from her Mistress at the same time she about to eat a can of chili and Mistress was nice and let her eat. This girl loves talking to her Mistress and getting to know her. At about 12:30 am she got a cup of home made chicken soup and 2 corn dogs but has only had a chance to eat one of the corn dogs and very little soup. This girl also took her diet pill and hormones.  This girl just got an email from Stormy and as it turns out this is what she had to say
"My cell fell off my night stand sunday morning and whatever happened to it it is not working so I had no navigation or way to call you since your number is in my cell and I had no way to figure out how to get to your place...on top of that the modem or something isnt working at the house so no internet...talk about a sucky ass day. Internet issue has been going on on and off so they are suppose to come out and fix it."

February 27, 2012

Hmmm.... entry entry entry... it doesn't have much to say. it is eagerly awaiting a package in the mail. it really wants to be done publishing >.<

Anywho, it... Hmmm.... it does not know what else to write. it fears it does not have so many revelations to post, as it has been through much of the transition into this lifestyle already. it does not mean to be proud, not by any means, it simply doesn't have so many moments of shock and awe... it, in many ways, knows what to expect. it just wants to slowly get accustomed to Mistress, Her desires and wishes, and find a comfortable transition to being less it's own independent and more Her slave. ^_^

it is going to affirm, and then have a wonderful cider; before squirming in bed being quite horny and having already given Mistress control of it's orgasms. God damn, it's squirmy.

Aurora February 26, 2012

Today this girl took her first step into the future with her Mistress. She does not know what the future holds or what trials it may face. She does now that she has a lot in common with her Mistress. She knows that it takes faith to step into the unknown. She has worries that must be dealt with before she can make the finale step into her owners arms. She must find down there all that she has up here to make that finale step. She needs to find a good kink aware therapist and a trans friendly doctor that doesn't treat her like a number. She wishes she could find what she needs here in Portland but she has looked for 3 years and not found it. She is positive that she will find her next Mistress soon and hopefully her last. She is tired of packing and moving. So she will spend the money to fly around and meet people to find the right Mistress to turn all that she is over to. She must not rush to find the wrong Mistress just to have one

New member of the family!!

Well at long last my search has uncovered who I hope to be is my second for My home!  I will be adding her journals here also.

February 26, 2012

Hmmm, what to write... it slept. A lot. it has not been feeling it's best still, just tired with dry eyes. This isn't a common thing for it, it hopes this is allergy related. it still has visions of Mistress dancing in it's head. Hmm... it is unsure what to write about today... it is planning to resume therapy, not for any particular trauma or diagnosed issue, but as a place to 'safely' express it's feelings\thoughts\concerns without the subtle worry of repercussions, etc. it knows that in time it will trust Mistress entirely, it already trusts Her more than it's own reflex tells it that it should trust someone. The last time she beat it as punishment, it found itself diving into a submissive space in which it would have allowed her to inflict the world upon it. it was determined to accept whatever She deemed fit, and it was determined to be nothing but submissive and grateful. That said, it still has a hard time opening up. Not even intentionally, there are so many things about it that make up who it is, it doesn't know what to share at times, or what it has\has not shared before. For example, it is a novelist, it is a certified reverend, it is an only child, and it is a former missionary of sorts. These aren't 'secrets' per-say, but they are things about it that most people simply don't know. it has difficulty understanding how to properly assess what needs to be known, as it feels there is simply too much information to fully disclose... it worries that it will unintentionally overlook something and upset Mistress.

That said... um... it does not know of a historical incident to refer to today, tomorrow it will share an anecdote of sorts... a true story. A [sadly] true story at that, of it's first foray into D\s, anal play, and accidental humiliation.

February 25, 2012

Hmmm... what to post. it enjoyed spending time with Mistress yesterday, it really looks forward to getting it's new phone battery, and... yeah. Not much new since it's last post, it took care of bills and such, that's about it.
Hmm... history. There's always so much to tell, but which part. It has bit of a story time at work tonight with it's coworkers regarding a few bits of non kink history, more growing up etc. Occasionally it is reminded of it's childhood, but it tries very he'd not to. it's mentioned before that it did not have a strong relationship with it's father, but it thinks it might clarify a bit of the history there.

The first day it came home from the hospital, he told it's mother that he didn't really want a child. And he kept that theme well throughout it's life. Growing up, it spent nearly all of it's free time playing with lego and adjusting the TV's rabbit-ear antennae. He was unemployed for more of it's childhood than not, and while he had nothing to do, there was still no fond father son time to be had. There was drinking, and disparaging, and by the time it was a teen he was cornering it and challenging it to physical fights.

Okay. Suddenly this whole entry sounds like so much whiny emo nonsense. it's going to cut the subject there. it understands that it is free to discuss things without penalty here, but it chooses not to wallow in this. it is going to hit the sack, with something funny in the background to get it's mind onto more pleasant subjects. Affirmations, bed, and maybe it will remember more dreams again. That would be nice.

February 24, 2012

Hmmm... late entry, with permission. it had a fairly uneventful night... largely  because it fell asleep  on the couch on family day. it woke up covered in cat hair, which is super not awesomesauce. And... then it went home. it put on a shirt. it emailed Mistress. it asked if Mistress wanted it to come right away. Mistress said yes. it asked  if it should journal first. Mistress said to come now. it put on some deodorant and then it came and then it came. it loves puns that aren't actually typos ^_^

it also enjoys making Mistress aroused and it enjoys pleasing Her. Hooray happy pleasing time for happy pleasingness of pleasurable pleasure times! ^_^ Pleasure. And stuff. it is a very silly pet sometimes. it is looking forward to taking care of it's bills, it hates having things hanging over it's head in that way. Also, Mistress fucked it. That was kind of amazing. it was not expecting that, but it enjoyed the experience very much, and it felt particularly honored when She informed it that She normally does not do that with men. Also, it enjoyed pleasing Her orally, did it mention that? Pleasurable pleasures of pleasurablness commonly spoken of (it  assumes) in the fine  and pleasurable land of pleasuretown. Yays! ^_^

Pleasure.

February 23, 2012

Not much for the day. it woke up around 7 and ran out to get a battery. Batteries in stores are expensive, so it spent about an hour and a half looking at different stores and finally ordered one online. Even with rush shipping, new battery should be here in just a couple days. ^_^ Huzzah. Not much else to say really. it will likely sleep more, it feels very sluggish lately, also very very horny but that happens when it hasn't had any release in a while, it is off to perform affirmations <3

 it doesn't feel good... it feels like there is something very big missing. The feeling has just gotten very big... it thinks that it may be sad because it hasn't seen Mistress. it really misses Her, and it feels really fed up with the phone situation. it wants to feel whole, it wants to feel like it is back in it's proper place. it feels so disconnected and sad right now.

February 22, 2012

it is feeling rather exhausted. it's phone is not holding charge at all. it suspects due to battery being overdrained.

it had a long day with nearly two hours of overtime somewhat thrown in it's lap, but it will sleep well. it will dream of it's Mistress, it misses Her greatly. it will shop for a battery once it wakes ^_^ Then it can charge it's phone and communicate with Mistress much much more effectively.

it's eyes are dry and itchy, and it needs rest. it is off to get some much needed sleep, but first it's affirmations... a powerful thing. ^_^

February 21, 2012

it had an alright day today. it's coworkers offered some comradely  and support that made it feel better about an issue with it's supervisor yesterday. That doesn't change the frustrating situation, but... at least it feels less foolish. That aside, it is looking forward to having it's phone this afternoon. ^_^ it is REALLY looking forward to that. it saw Mistress' comment yesterday, and it is relieved that She feels the same. it understands the eagerness, particularly after having so much distance without phones. it feels much the same way and really looks forward to seeing Her.

Now... it was going to finish a story.

The ending of things in that unhealthy poly-archy... it learned about a month in, that the concept of live in submission was simply out of the question. That was a tough overarching bit of knowledge for it... Because submission is not something it feels is best enjoyed from permanent distance. The simple fact was that while the alpha appreciated it's submission and enjoyed using it... She was quite happy with her master, and had no real desire for more, in reality given the choice she would have opted for monogamy with him, but that was unrealistic given that he was currently in an open marriage... yes, an additional complication it did not mention earlier due to a surprising lack of overall relevance.

The alpha had a surprising number of moments in which she either had unrealistic expectations, or just plain went off the deep end for seemingly no reason at all -largely in part to her unhealthy primary relationship (his feelings did not match hers). On many occasions she would get so upset, so openly, and so visibly that her master would step in and tell her to cool down, often trying to teach her to control her temper. While that is a noble cause, it does not necessarily feel that a relationship should be the place to learn anger management... and it did not enjoy being the punching bag during lessons.

On one occasion, it was told to stay the weekend in their home, while they and the other sub did other things. This was already a bit of a smack to the face because it had done nothing to merit isolation (it only got to see them on weekends due to distance), they simply decided they were going to focus on the other sub, because the head of house felt that she 'needed' extra attention exclusively. The thing that it has learned, personally, and from the advice of, well, EVERYONE IT KNOWS WHO HAS MAINTAINED POLY (lol) is that jealousy is a very real thing. And everyone has it. It's an unavoidable human emotion, the trick is what we do with it; learning to communicate effectively, not to bottle it up. Kink-friendly psych experts agree that the bottled up, hidden jealousy turns into something much worse. That said, the situation admittedly made it feel a bit jealous. But, it was fine with that, as by this time it had already understood that the mechanics or the relationship were going to be lopsided towards the younger female (this was a few weeks after she had caused the birthday punishment). Anyways, it was instructed to come to the house, and given a list of chores to perform while they were away. it cleaned all the dishes, took out all the trash, dusted, did laundry, and proceeded to mow the lawn... it had never mowed a lawn before, it had never needed to. But it was determined to make the best of the situation and enjoy it's role. They called this a test to see if it enjoyed the 'service' capacity of submission. To some extent, it does, but.. this experience left a bad taste in it's mouth...

it found the lawnmower after being verbally chewed out over the phone (for not knowing where they kept their lawnmower), and quickly learned how the thing worked. it began to work at the lawn, which was literally grown past it's knees over the entire front yard. This took hours, the lawn wasn't too big, but it was working with a tiny and unreliable electrical lawnmower. it finally had the main lawn done, and moved to do the side lawn, when it hit a snag. By 'snag' it means a hidden sprinkler head. When a lawn is literally more than two feet tall (meriting several fines from the city), you really can't see these things. So, it hit the sprinkler head, took the sprinkler head clean off, and found itself basking in a freezing cold geyser that shot about 15 feet straight up, with no idea of how to remedy the problem. it panicked. it ran inside, and called the alpha for suggestions... the alpha proceeded to debase it for a good five minutes before one of the neighbors knocked on the door with tools and helped it shut the water off.

After this, the alpha changed her tune, it seemed that her master was unhappy with her response, she urged it to go inside and take a shower, as it was now covered in mud and grass. That would have been much easier to do if the water didn't need to be turned off. Afterwards, she told it to simply lock up and go home, indicating that it couldn't be trusted. it had already performed it's other tasks for the weekend, and was not welcome to dinner... again, it understands punishments as training tools, but as it turns out, the alpha had no idea where sprinkler heads were either, nor any idea how to fix the situation. Rather than keeping a cool head, or even trying to calm it down to improve the situation, she jumped straight to insults and anger. it worries when it sees overly intense or inappropriate gestures of domination because of memories like these.

On a day to day basis, it would keep communication with the alpha (as it's trainer), and often provide encouragement for her. Every now and then, there would be more important conversations handled while at work via email (it's work situation at the time allowed for this). And every now and then, there would be a disagreement, etc. On one day, it indicated that it was having some difficulty with things in the relationship, and based on a suggestion from the head of house(her master, her primary), it asked for some time to discuss these things with her face to face after work. She declined this, and insisted that it explain the matters immediately via email. it took painstaking effort to structure it's thoughts in as useful a manner as it could, to make them as helpful and as friendly as it could.

The alpha laid in. Hard. So hard that it made a point then and there to officially step outside of training. it replied and said that it needed some time to process what had been said, and what had happened. That it could not handle the conversation in it's current capacity, and that it was removing itself from the conversation.  The head of house requested a copy of the communications shortly thereafter. He apologized for the incident and her behavior, ad suggested giving her some time. it waited a week, considered things, and not understanding that a D\s relationship should be much healthier and happier than this, it contacted the head of house again. He indicated that she missed it, and that she had cooled down and wanted to apologize for flying off the handle. He indicated that it should call her at a given time, and attempt to resolve things to move them forward. He told it that it was behaving wisely, and showing maturity, and told it that she had come to realize that she really did want to collar it as a personal submissive.

it called her the next day at an arranged time, it shyly began the conversation, being welcoming and giving her the opportunity to say what she needed. She told it that it made too many mistakes. She told it that it wasn't submissive. She told it that the issues it had experienced with her were entirely it's fault. Every one of them. She told it that it should make itself worthwhile before it attempts submission again. She told it that it was of no interest to her, that she was disgusted by it, and then she hung up.

it texted the head of household to inform him of the surprising results. it had barely said a few words the entire conversation with her, and it was in shock. The head of household expressed surprise and shock. He apologized and told it that he had no idea that she felt that way, and that he thought she really wanted it.

As it turns out, the head of household knew exactly what she wanted. They had spoken two days prior, and when she told him that she didn't want a submissive of her own, he came to it and built it up. He deliberately set it up to fail grandly, encouraged it, and got it's hopes up to watch it crash and burn. it learned that he later had a few chuckles about that.

The situation ending was a good thing. The way that things happened was hugely damaging to it's psyche. it left the community almost entirely for a solid year. If these were the sorts of people that the community endorsed, it wanted no part of that. it had surrendered itself for the better part of a year, and after being emotionally beaten and abused, it's limits had been violated, and it was thrown out. The head of household mentioned in these entries goes by the name of Kodiak or 'Kodiak Trainer', and is still an attendee of some events where he knows that one of the community elders(elder not to be confused with leader, this is one of the strongly respected old guard folks) won't see him... He has been told not to show up to community events, under heavy threat by them, but he still shows his face where he feels safe.

There are more incidents and stories it could provide from that time, most of which are unpleasant. it does not choose to dwell on those things, but it tries to dwell on the lessons and what positive memories it can salvage from such a period of it's life. That's just how life goes, and how it survives.

February 20, 2012

it writes this entry in concern... it is becoming very submissive, but it is not yet property, it is not yet an owned slave... even though it's heart says otherwise. it fights a constant battle between it's head and it's heart, because it's heart has taken it too some bad places by moving too quickly and trusting too much. it worries about this a LOT, and it wants to move forward, but it wants to do so with care and caution. this one views ownership with a hefty significance -especially as a slave, rather than a submissive. In it's mind and it's heart, ownership is forever. Period. Ownership is whether happy or sad, angry or smitten. Ownership is complete control, unquestioned. If it submits to ownership as a slave, it will register, it will bear any marks and symbols Mistress desires, in a situation such as this it would consider it's limits non applicable and the only reason it might call a safeword is if it was to *Mistress'* benefit. it knows that the contract states it still has more freedom than that, and that it is allowed safewords, and limits, but this is not it's view of an owned collared submissive. This is simply how it feels about such a chosen lifestyle -all or nothing, and all is the most amazing experience to be found -period. That said, it feels very strongly about approaching the situation with care and caution. If it prescribes to being an owned slave, it will bear that mark forever, on it's body, round it's neck, and in it's heart. Unless Mistress passes or disowns it, it would never leave that place -property is property and it is simply happy to be such. Working towards that takes great care, great trust, and time. it wants to work towards that, but it wants to work towards that in steps, carefully. The thought of rushing, of giving too much too fast, of urging itself or sacrificing everything foolishly is terrifying. So much so that it is nightmare inducing. it has had to rebuild, more than once. And yes, from scratch. it does not feel it has the strength to do so again... it simply does not posses that anymore.

That said, it will be getting it's phone back tomorrow. And it wishes to communicate better at that point. Right now, it wants to have respect and understanding established before ownership. While it understands that Mistress probably worries She may be losing it, and misses it, it has had NO intention of leaving Her. But it needs to see respect outside of ownership before it agrees to ownership. In this place, and in Her presence, it will be an obedient submissive, and a loving boyfriend, it will treat Her with utmost respect and it will do it's best to please Her. it will sleep in bondage on the floor, it will undress at the door, it will kneel, it will maintain chastity as She instructs, it will speak when spoken to, it will ALWAYS refer to Her with capitilization as it agrees to this context and utmost symbol, She will always be Mistress unless she designates another title for any designated period of time. In Her presence it may as well be an extension of Her. it hopes that she understands that it needs to approach full time with caution. And it hopes that she will understand it needs to maintain it's identity until it has agreed to full time. it was concerned and honestly scared by the demand for it this Wednesday.... it is not yet owned, and things like this freak it out because they remind it of unreasonable expectations in the past. it would like to see Her this week, possibly even sooner than wednesday, once it has a phone to comunicate and coordinate. it respectfully asks that it's perspective be understood until it signs for full time ownership. it believes this is a beautiful path, but it feels a need to be careful and slow to ensure a lifelong status. The thought of celebrating twenty, thirty, or more years in ownership is greatly pleasing, but that requires a solid foundation. That foundation is worth working hard on.

February 19, 2012

it had a long day at work, their was a system outage, which results in numerous customers calling in to be informed that it cannot help them. Most reps don't care... it did not get so involved in this career path to tell people it is useless to them. >.<

Aside from that, it has many thoughts swirling around about it's submission and ownership. it is not sure how to express them all though. it is concerned about whether it is truly capable of bending to the absolute will of Mistress... it fears that once living under Her roof, it may need to flat out volunteer harsher methods of control initially so as to get into the proper mindset fully... it is still so much in a headset that it needs to fend for itself, needs to think for itself, and needs to constantly think and plan ahead sometimes months in advance... if it is Mistress' slave, Her plaything, Her pet, Her toy, Her sex slave, Her property, Her possession... okay... perhaps it is going on with this list because the possessive titles all make it warm and fuzzy... where was it? Hmm. Any-who, it does have some concerns about it's ability to let go, it also worries about heavy sm... it has quite a tolerance for beatings, and it worries about the balance of play vs submission. This is a hard concern for it to express, it will try to explain better... it wishes, as it has in the past, that it was less experienced than it is. it worries that it's exposure to some very extreme forms of S&M may make it too much to handle, it fears that it may inevitably be unhappy if it cannot continue at least occasionally partaking in these things... it is particularly concerned about knife play, this was the first heavy play that it came to appreciate rather thoroughly. Thoughts like this scare it, and it worries about whether it will be worth Mistress' trouble once it is recovered, Mistress is kind, Mistress is patient, Mistress is caring, and Mistress is genuine. it really hopes to be worth Mistress' while, but it has had too much time to be inside it's own head tonight, questioning itself left and right, and well.... these things are difficult for it. it doesn't intend to freak Mistress out, nor does this mean it is fleeing or disappearing by ANY means, it promises Mistress to remain communicative, and to be honest about it's genuine interest in being Her lucky pet ^_^

As for questions, it hasn't been checking it's email much, it has been focusing it's free time on taking the antibiotics, and sleeping pills. it's life is basically work and sleep at the moment, which is admittedly not a happy life to sustain. it does not recall any questions other than when it is getting another phone. In that regard, it has confirmed that it's phone has been located, it plans to make a trip to recover it's phone once it is off it's meds and no longer contagious.

it has taken it's sleep pills and meds, and it is off to complete it's affirmations then get to bed. it believes it is falling for Mistress further and further each day, the affirmations continue it's progress into a consistent submissive state, and it while it has an apprehensive nature, it is determined to let Mistress in so that She might better find the reigns at her fingertips.

in submission, happy and lucky submission, Her pet.

February 18, 2012

it had to work last night. it's fever did not return thankfully... it was worried about that. it has a few more days of antibiotics left, then it should be all done. it still does not feel 100%, but it is unsure if that's the antibiotics or the condition leaving it's body. This would not have happened if not for it's tendency to push itself too hard at times. it can be stubborn about that at times.

Back to history though... and it would like to preface this with a request for Mistress... The individuals of which it speaks might actually turn out to be people Mistress has met or spoken with, particularly at 94th Aerosquadron. it would like to say respectfully, that it has dealt with these people, in it's own way, and on a larger scale. it understands that Mistress may be rather unhappy with them, but it would ask that She remember the situation has been resolved so much as it can... it does not like to stir up the past.

The poly arrangement mentioned yesterday lasted for 8 months... this was despite a number of close friends advising rather strongly against sticking around. it stuck around because it had made a promise to the other submissive who had unwittingly brought it along (neither it nor she knew at the time fully that it was simply a 'garnish' to the deal, nothing more, nothing desired), it knew that it was unhappy, but it promised to stick around for her, and once it did, it felt obligated to stick to that promise despite it's better judgement.

The arrangement began to sully and sour rapidly, the master of the house was an emotional succubus, not literally of course, but in the sense that he seemed to thrive off creating misery and guilt in others, it was how he kept his own close... he was all about pity. The fact that it refuses to capitalize his name or subtitles despite his being a 'master' should go to say something, as it is usually very respectful of these things... it does not feel he deserves even the civil respect of a common stranger. That will be explained.

it spent months jumping in to resolve arguments it was not involved in, providing support to it's fellow submissive, speaking with the alpha who was over it, offering her encouragement and obedience, trying to help her when she was down or when she was angry... which was a lot. She had some severe anger management issues, which came out verbally a lot, in constant expressions of disappointment and reminders that she was unpleased for things which frankly weren't reasonable. For example, if she told it to cook dinner, and couldn't be bothered to explain that she wanted a particular meal cooked for the household... it seems unreasonable to complain when she didn't get that. Additionally whenever it's fellow sub had a disagreement or argument with the master, the alpha would get rather grumpy and take that anger out on it... it does not like constantly being in the doghouse because of issues which are either caused by others, or which it could not know of.

There were a few occasions which stood out to it, and still do. These were incidents which rather strongly accent the dynamics that became so harmful in the long-run.

On one occasion, a very good friend of it's... family as far as it is concerned, and it doesn't toss that word around lightly, was having an horrific time with some past trauma due to a recent event. She called it, and begged it to get permission to help her through that. it asked it's alpha and master, and expressed the levity of the situation... they pondered the issue for nearly two hours while she drove herself mad, and while it felt like it was being a horrible friend to one of the few friends it keeps. Eventually they grudgingly let it go... it was not missing anything with them, there was no plan for that day, there were no events being missed, they were casually grocery shopping and running light errands that day. They simply did this to exert dominance, which seemed inappropriate to it. it had not been disrespectful, it had communicated effectively, and when she contacted them about the situation later to apologize and thank them... the alpha was needlessly vile and hurtful towards her... to put it kindly. The situation was ugly, so much so that it nearly left the household then and there... it should have, because the alpha showed no remorse for doing serious damage to one of it's few friendships left. She had no reason or excuse for why she verbally attacked this individual, she just shrugged and left it at that. This bothered it for some time, and was the first major drop in a thunderstorm.

As it's birthday came nearer, the household was preparing for a local event that required intense setup all day, we had finished prepping which had been about 10 hours of heavy manual labor, and were joined by a longtime friend of the household's for dinner. it had never met her, but she was very friendly. We all had dinner, and were driving back home, when she rather abruptly announced that she was feeling frisky and wanted to play if anyone was up for it. The head of the house was far too tired, his alpha wanted to cuddle with him and relax, and my fellow sub wasn't really interested. it asked for permission, and the head of the household ok'd this with no reluctance. So as we all got home, it and she went off to one of the bedrooms with permission and began to mess around. Very shortly after we had gone into the room, it's fellow submissive decided that she in fact had issue with this, and was feeling jealous\etc. Per household rules, things like this were to be communicated immediately, and play was to stop once that had happened. Discussion could be had, and if all parties were okay afterwards then it would resume. If all parties were not in approval the play would not resume. The sub was too nervous to come in and ask us to stop, so she walked in, said nothing, stood there for a moment apparently trying to grow some balls, and then asked the head of household to do it, saying we didn't listen. it tries hard not to use 'true dominant' statements.. but it will make exception here -a REAL master would have walked in and said "Stop, come out to the living room, we need to talk", and the ordeal would have been effectively handled. Instead, he walked into the room, quietly muttered looking at board games on the shelf, then walked out. Nothing was said to us. We had slowed down and listened for just that reason, not a word was spoken to us that could be audibly heard. The head of household was too shy to exert simple dominance in saying "Stop." When we exited the room afterwards, it was informed that it was in deep trouble, and that they were disappointed in it. it was to go home while they thought about it's punishment. it was not afforded an opportunity to defend itself, to explain itself, nothing. it didn't even fully understand what it was being punished for.

The rest of the household (alpha, head, and co-sub) talked and decided on an 'appropriate' punishment for it. They would cut off ALL communication with it for a solid week... the week which included it's birthday. They had spent the last three months committing behaviors which effectively cut it off from the rest of it's friends and family, and then they cut it off themselves. it had a very lonely tearful week... it had been very invested in them. So, to be judged so unfairly it felt was more than it knew how to bear. After a week, they read it's journals, and the alpha and head realized that the other sub had not been truthful in saying that we hadn't listened to it... and the head of household disclosed that he had not actually either, he felt that the sub saying something followed by 'his sheer presence' should have been enough to stop us. The alpha apologized hollowly, no one else apologized at all. No repercussions came to the other sub who had lied and effectively led to this issue. it was told to simply 'drop' the matter and move on. A week is a very long time to be ignored, and to be told to simply think about what one has [not] done.

Another occurrence regarding this household came up when the four of us were playing, all in the bedroom. He was dominating the other sub, the alpha was dominating it. Play like this was fairly frequent, and often culminated in an orgy on the bed. Occasionally partners would switch based on the tops' desires, but all limits were known as we had both been asked to bring a list of limits (hard and soft aka 'negotiable') for their knowledge. The lists had been reviewed with both of them so that there would be no ambiguity. it's list of hard limits was fairly short at the time, things like scat and piss, sounding, pedophilia and necrophilia were all limits, most of them were things that a lot of people wouldn't want to engage in anyways. As we switched, the head was apparently in a mood for some CBT, so he bound it's hands behind it's back and began with some light cock torture. it was enjoying this until he produced a set of sounds, which had been on it's list -which he knew were a hard limit for it. it had been tortured for more than two hours between he and the alpha, so it was not in a speaking capacity. he looked at it and said "I know this is one of your limits, but I think you're ready for it." and proceeded to insert the sound into it's urethra. Finding it's voice took quite a lot of effort, but it finally called red. he did not stop on the first red, but the second. Afterwards he apologized lightly, and the matter was never spoken of again. For the longest time, it felt that it was at fault for not using it's voice sooner, and it was ashamed. As time went on, it learned that the general consensus was that limits should NEVER be negotiated DURING play, especially for things which were known to be off limits.

As time went on, he had some issues with limits regarding the other sub, and this one went on to learn that he had issues with a number of other submissives before. it also learned that some of these issues had been reported to leadership... the same leadership it had inquired with early on to verify that he was a safe and trustworthy individual to be involved with. They knew, and when asked point blank, they did not pass the warning along. When this relationship ended rather nastily (next entry), it vanished from the scene for roughly a year, scared of what else was out there if leadership was recommending this bastard.

it takes limits very seriously. Limits are what make this consensual. If limits are not respected, regardless of the reason (accidents are not an issue of respect, they are accidents. Deliberate occurrences are issues.) that is, in it's and in a large number of people's minds... rape. A non-consensual act inflicted upon an unwilling party. it takes this very seriously, and has invested much time and energy into protecting others from similar happenings. This is one of the ways, it thinks, that it came to be seen by so many as a dominant, because it does have a very protective nature over those who might not know what dangers really lurk.