don't know if what i am feeling is right or not but today i feel very depress and sad. i know i should not be but i do any ways. i can't to think about the past and what i gave up to be me. Some times i feel like i should have let Michael stay in control and just continued the lies. i am not sure what felt worse the lie that was my life or being honest and being alone.i just want the pain to go away. i want love and need to be loved. i need to be someone's first choice not second third or what ever.
In the later part of the evening Mistress did her best to cheer me up and tell me its not long till i will be with her and know all is real and true. i feel better but still i know the pain is inside of me. its going to be hard leaving Portland cause i know the people and have started to feel comfortable here. i have most of my minor needs here. But they should be replace able.
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