9-5-11 Journal, it seems as though today we are all recovering from computer problems. There is still no luck recovering the majority of its files and it is appalled to think it has lost so much of what it has created. Perhaps this is what it deserves for completely neglecting its spiritual work for so many months, to have it altogether taken away from it. Master and Mistress and sister are also apparently having technical troubles with our blog site, however its browser still worked fine with it but it did notice a delightful new layout. it has decided to begin practicing its positions in a specific sequence since it noticed last week that if it can practice whichever it likes it will gravitate to particular ones, and so today it practiced ‘attention’, it was glad to but as always it has extreme difficulty getting itself to hold its chin up like the way kajira’s is in the photo, it is just a so basically instinctive desire for it to bow its head and look down especially when it is thinking about being attentive to Master and Mistress, it will be very hard for it to break itself of this. As a kind of a fun aside, Mistress also sent it and its sister an email about a kinky summer camp called DarkOdyssey. it was a very fun read and it got it very, very excited. it keeps thinking about what a wonderfully freeing environment, to be around so many people actively affirming and exploring their hidden inner desires. it actually almost really wishes we could go, but there’s absolutely no way. In particular it found a lot of the rituals/meditations very interesting, and the more relaxing social situations like the pajama party and the cigars, or the more educational ones where it could learn so much, and it especially can’t stop thinking about the petting zoo…it would be just so much fun to be so able to express its pet side kept on a safe and short leash by Master and Mistress. The fantasy of Their hands gently petting its head and telling it if it is a good or a bad girl where it can only purringly or ashamedly mewl in response honestly makes it weak in the knees and light headed, journal.
9-6-11 Journal it has a few things to mention to you today. For one it has just had a wonderful phone call with Mistress. She is always so sweet and kind to it and She is always thinking about its needs, when She read in its journal the difficulties it was having with its name transition and how frustrated it was getting and how badly it wants to go right now to Master and Mistress She called it to talk about it. In Her kindness She left the decision ultimately up to it but said it would be ok if it wanted to come now and worry about its name later. It was such an incredible relief, it almost felt like a weight off its shoulders knowing that actually it doesn’t have to wait but could be with Master and Mistress right now, after thinking about it it hopes that fact alone will be enough for it to bear these last few weeks, since when it thinks about it rationally instead of possessed by emotions of longing and loneliness that it will be much more difficult and costly for Master and Mistress if it does not do these things now, but this was Mistress’ gift to it of freeing it of the constraint to have to do it and so thereby be able to see the situation clearly. it was also so very happy just to hear Her voice even for a few minutes while She ran to bring sister’s keys so she could go off to work, it seems like every day it gets more and more difficult to be apart from Them. it doesn’t want to break under that weight. When it performed its affirmation today it practiced the position ‘inspection’ which is an enjoyable one because of the associated mental condition of Master and Mistress examining it and paying attention to it, and strangely unlike in the attention position it feels appropriate that its head is back, since the feeling is almost like it’s consciousness isn’t even meant to be present, it’s just splayed out an object to be inspected and studied, like a frog pinned open with needles, and as disturbing as that image probably sounds it is actually very pleasant for this one. it also has been reading sister’s journal, which it always enjoys doing for so many reasons, yet a lot of what sister is talking about in these entries is very difficult material she is working through, and it is making it have some rather intense revelations about its own experiences with Master and Mistress…but it is still thinking its response to it through, it needs to calm some of the more visceral reactions it had to some of the things sister said which reminded it of things from way back at the beginning of the relationship so that, again like Mistress’ gift, it is able to think about its situation rationally and not overwhelmed by emotion like it seems to always be.
9-7-11 Journal today it briefly texted with Mistress where it mostly shared with Her the conclusion it mentioned to you yesterday, that it while it yearns to be with Master and Mistress now it must not let itself be overcome in these last few weeks but push forward with what it needs to get done. It’s very strange journal, as it gets closer and closer to the day its like everything is becoming exponentially more intense, it desires and its doubts, it complete devotion and its inner mental brokenness. it is really really becoming worried that while it is under the sway of these feelings it will make a mistake that it will regret later. And it feels so selfish, it knows Master and Mistress and sister are dealing with much more serious problems than it and don’t need to be wasting Their time and attention on me just because I'm upset about silly things. it just needs to keep it together for a few more weeks. it is strange that it has begun asking the Angel for help in its service to Master and Mistress, She was recalcitrant to do so since it more or less abandoned Her and the Great Work for Master and Mistress months ago, but the thing about the HGA is that She will always come if you call out to Her in a time of genuine need, it begged Her to help it understand what it was supposed to do and She wrapped Her wings around it and suddenly it felt transported to the presence of Master and Mistress and for a moment everything was alright and it was where it belongs and it could clearly see the road that it was meant to walk. it must hold onto that as long as it can. it practiced ‘kneel’ today with its affirmation which is one of its favorites, after the experience it just mentioned it felt so relieved to just be able to kneel -- which seems to it, with the exception of a head on the ground kneeling posture, to be the natural position of a slave -- and thereby rest in its feelings of submission to Master and Mistress, which is getting so hard to get to through its affirmation and journal keeping, it needs contact with Them so badly...
9-8-11 Journal it has little to talk to you about today other than that it is concerned about Master and Mistress and sister. Apparently the entire southern California area is without power and so Master and Mistress and sister are struggling with the heat in the dark, which makes it very sad to think of :( . it wishes it could help them in some way…it will just have to keep its eye on the news like Mistress told it and try to figure out what's going on. Still it knows how clever and resourceful Master and Mistress are so it is sure They will weather the situation and everyone will be ok. it remembers times when it was growing up and the power went out, it was always kind of fun and different, and it especially remembers enjoying times when the power went out during the summer storms when it was with a partner, and likewise it is sure the four of us could find ways to keep ourselves entertained without electricity, but it won’t make light of Master and Mistress and sister’s situation. Anyway journal apart from that all it has to say is that today it practiced the parade rest position before its affirmation, which is the position it has the most difficulty with (at least mentally, obviously the most physically demanding ones are either kneel or present) but it hopes it will adapt.
9-9-11 Today it practiced the position ‘present’ before it went to work, which is a position it always enjoys practicing due to the psychological association, like what it said about inspection but much more intense and, well obviously sexual. it actually really enjoys just being in the position and finds it very relaxing despite its physical difficulty because of this, it is actually strange that the most emotionally comforting ones are the most physically difficult, while a position like punishment is much more physically comfortable but appropriately it has a bad connotation for it. it was also very happy when Mistress texted it that Their power had been restored. When it last heard the news it just knew it was some event between California and Arizona but Mistress told it that it was the fault of a single person at a power station. it is kind of shocking to realize how many layers of interdependencies our society is built up out of, and likewise that even mundane tasks when important parts of a huge system are no less integral than the whole, and it has been thinking about this today in relation to its role of service as a part of the lives of Master and Mistress. Mistress also reminded it today that there is less than a month before it will be with Master and Mistress, and Her reminding it made it feel so happy and wanted for some reason, it kept it in a good mood and thinking about Master and Mistress most of the day. :)
9-10-11 Journal…it has had a very very unhappy day today. it doesn’t know what is wrong with it, it has just gotten on a chain of negative thoughts that just keep dragging it further and further down. it is trying to be very calm and not let emotion overwhelm it so that it doesn’t say anything it doesn’t mean, but as painful as it is it must remember and tell you the painful thoughts because, while like it always does when it is in one of these self destructive emotional states it draws in pretty much everything in its mind in order to hurt itself, it was centered around Master and Mistress as its heart is centered around Them and so it is its duty to tell you journal. Today it practiced the position ‘punishment’ which while certainly wasn’t the cause of its negative feelings felt very appropriate for its mood and actually helped it process things a little. It actually began more in the early afternoon when it was re-reading sister’s journal entries for this week. It obviously wasn’t anything at all bad about what she wrote, like it has said she always writes wonderfully and it loves what she has written but it caused it to bring to mind difficult thoughts, those thoughts kept getting louder and louder and overpowering it. it keeps running from the dark forces inside of it, but it is wrong, it tries to hide all its deep flaws and damage from bad experiences in its past from Master and Mistress because it is afraid They will reject it if They could see what is really in its heart, but it knows this is wrong, even its wickedness belongs to Them, it should just hand over its internal conflicts to Them and let Them decide what to do with it. it is powerless and incapable of mastering itself, that is why it needs Master and Mistress. Ok it will try to be more coherent; when it read in sisters journal about how sad she was to not have someone to cuddle with or sleep beside it really sympathized with because it itself has this overwhelmingly strong need to be close and be held, it is like sister said she was in that it is much more important than sex to it just to have physical contact with others…sometimes it feels like its whole body aches in not like a desirous way but an actual painful way because it wants so badly to be held, wants so badly to be held by Master and Mistress. it feels like that right now, like it would die just for a single embrace, for anything… Anyway that kind of got it in a dark and lonely place but in that same entry what it found most upsetting was what sister said about kind of accepting that we are not meant to have relationships like others do because that is not what Master and Mistress intend for it, and that reminded it of that fact and made it very sad. it really enjoys its dynamic with Master and Mistress, at least as much of it as it can get now while we are so distant, and it is satisfying to it in a real way, but it does feel very lonely and like there is a hole in its heart that a lover/partner relationship would fill. it freely gives up even this empty place in it to Master and Mistress and is glad for it but it wonders if it truly can or if it just thinks it can, it feels almost like it is withering without it. (although it does think the arrangement sister suggests in that same entry if we are good might help it calm these feelings but it doesn’t know Master and Mistress’ intentions) Anyway that kind of led it to the next thing that dragged it down which was the first of any real substance. Reading this reminded it of something it said to Mistress the very first time we talked, and it realized it may have been making a mistake all along. The reason it chose to serve Master and Mistress was because more than anything it wanted to have a relationship with the specific people Master Fred and Mistress Kristen and a slave is what it desired and it wanted Them so badly that it said it would force itself to become a slave and hope that a lover/partner relationship would emerge from that, but this is wrong. it realizes that it still expects that time to come, but it has actually been in its role with Master and Mistress for a long time now and it realizes that things are going to be very different from what it originally imagined. it feels so deeply ashamed, it feels like it has been lying to Master and Mistress this whole time because its desires aren’t real, or rather because it gives up these things not because it feels natural for it to but as a gift to Master and Mistress. it seems to come so naturally to sister, it is ashamed, when it read what she said about no longer wanting so many things for herself, especially a career, that really made it feel bad (again, this ones fault not yours kajira!) it realizes that it could never give up its desire to become a true Magess for Master and Mistress, and this shames it so so very deeply, is it not a real slave because it can’t give up parts of its identity? it feels so bad about this too, it has completely neglected its work and it almost means nothing to it anymore, there’s just no room for it in its mind and its heart while it serves Master and Mistress yet at the same time this is the way Master and Mistress expect it to earn income for the household…it feels like it has failed on all fronts, is surrounded. it is starting to wear it down, it is so concerned about what is happening to it. it has also hidden from Master and Mistress its deep psychological faults and issues it is always struggling to keep under control, it always tries to minimize what's going on with it and act like it is well for Master and Mistress because it knows They have so much on Them already, but again, it knows it is wrong. its afraid…it doesn’t even know how to stop calling itself it anymore, it has to be very very vigilant over its words and has already slipped in public many times, its afraid that it couldn’t actually turn it off if it was told to and its more intensely self-harming fantasies begin to make it worry that it genuinely is beginning to see itself as an object. And all that would be alright if it could give it up to Master and Mistress, but it can’t, its afraid to, and its afraid to not. it wishes it could just hand itself over, a bundle of useless neuroses, to Master and Mistress and say ‘fix me! make me feel whole and better!’…it realizes that those were most likely the desires that caused it to seek out a Dominant in the first place, but again, that is wrong, it is not supposed to expect Master and Mistress to be its saviors, broken slaves are useless slaves. sometimes it wishes it just never existed in the first place… it just wants to bury itself in its submission to Master and Mistress, to just let go off and forget that it ever could have been anything else or done anything else, that at one time its destiny was taking it down a different path and it looked to the sun and the moon and the sky once and felt the same feelings it now feels only for Master and Mistress, it hates itself waffling on the fence, and at one point it could. it remembers how it felt in the beginning, it was so very wonderful. it just felt so warm all the time, so loved and surrounded by comfort and protection, every heartbeat was for Master and Mistress and They filled it with so much passion and it felt like it could rule the world at Their feet. Now it still thinks all these things intellectually but its service to Master and Mistress feels…dry. it does what it does for Master and Mistress out of loyalty and obligation and friendship, but it misses that feeling of truly being dominated, of being forced to submit, of being a tiny creature trapped within the grasp of a Thing so much larger and stronger and more perfect than it that it gladly and willingly and freely and with so so much pleasure turned its heart and its whole being over to That, and it knows that it feels this way for Master and Mistress, it has just forgotten somehow. it needs Their presence more than anything, it is just trying to survive and hold itself together these last few days, but it is so hard. Journal, it is so ashamed. it wants to delete everything it has written here and just use the space to beg for Master and Mistress…not for anything from Them, but just for Them and Their presence….it will be quiet now journal, there is no end to this line.
9-11-11 Journal, it has many interesting things to report to you today. For one thing looking over its last extremely over-wordy entry it really wants to go back and change it, it actually did but it changed it back because it realized Master and Mistress would tell it, it was wrong to have done so and it should not hide anything even its dark feelings from Them. But today was a much better day than yesterday, it was almost like a switch has been turned and it can’t even remember what it was that possessed it so strongly and dragged it to so evil a place yesterday. However it does know that its mood today probably has something to do with the wonderful fact that it was greeted when it awoke by a very long text message from sister. Apparently when it told Mistress yesterday that it was feeling a little down (it obviously didn’t go in depth) She told sister who obviously decided to try to cheer it up, reminding it of how little time is left and that all of them are thinking about it and care about it. Oh journal it was so happy, it was almost like that feeling when you are really really hungry and you eat and you feel that first rush of energy replenishing your body, it was so happy to be reminded that it is loved and cared for and from there on it was almost giddy and bouncy all day, it can hardly think now what was so wrong yesterday (which honestly scares it the most because at the same time it knew yesterday it couldn’t imagine how it ever saw anything as right, so it knows that this demon will rear its ugly head again…) but it was so glad, it knows it needs to just hold on and trust that everything will be better when it is at last at Master and Mistress’ feet (Their actual physical feet that is!) But then when it texted sister to thank her it found out that she is very sick at the moment, it feels so bad, she helped it feel so much better but there is little it can do to help her upset stomach so it is just keeping her in its thoughts and knows that Master and Mistress will do what's best to take care of her. But so also today while it was in this good mood it had to attend to a few things like visiting family, it even tricked its parents into going to go see a movie with it together at the same time! it has only seen its parents in the same room and happy a handful of times in its life and so it was comforting and made it realize that even though things are really difficult in our world in general sometimes we do find ways to make it through and make things OK, at least for us and at least for a moment. We watched the new Conan which it thought was so awesome (they hated it, probably just so they could hate on the whole experience but whatever it doesn’t care…) there were actually a lot of D/s elements in it which it really enjoyed (Howard’s Conan books were actually a huge influence on Norman’s Gor series so its kind of understandable) it found the scenes where he orders the woman and puts her in her place to be really hot, and there were more than a few of them and just so many elements concerned with strength and honor and possession, slavery even, it felt kind of weird not only because it was watching this with its parents and getting excited but more-so because strangely, during the car ride to pick up its dad to go to the theater, it and its mom were talking about relationships and she actually confided to it about how sexy she found it when a man would order her around and tell her what to do…obviously it just thought about the fruit falling from the tree thing and laughed quietly to itself while, wisely it thinks, not playing its hand and choosing that moment to blurt out ‘oh yeah I'm REALLY into that, why so much so in fact that…’ Anyway it rushed back home and very briefly practiced the last of the positions in the little sequence it has arranged them in, ‘stool’, since because of the movie it was hurrying to perform its affirmation in time and did not get a chance to reflect on it very much which is a shame because it is one of its favorites, it thinks it will practice it some more before its affirmation tomorrow so it can think on it. Mistress has also commanded it to turn in its journal now, and it has been checking up on its sister, apparently something interesting happened to her last night but it has not found out what yet and so Master and Mistress do not have to wait any longer it will just have wait to tell you about whatever it is tomorrow night journal. |