Aurora March 3, 2012

This girl got a little sleep during the day and full nights rest the night before. She talk to stormy and work some things out and this girl wants to see if they really do happen. Stormy said she is going to see me at least one night a week and stay over at my place twice a month.But this girl is  not going to have her stay over cause the night she would this girl has to work.And this girl does not want to change the relationship from any thing but a D/s type. This had an option to live with stormy but it was better for this girl to stay here. This girl knows what kind of a leap of faith it would be to move out of here. If for what ever reason Mistress choose to have this girl leave she will have no place to go to start over. And there is no way she can afford to live in S.D. by her self. Many times in this girls life has she face this same choice to move or to stay with what she knows. This girl is looking for to a visit to Mistress in April some time for a week. But this choice to leave stormy can only be made if stormy fails any more to do what she says. This girls needs to feel safe first that means she needs to know that if she has some thing bad happen that she won't be toss away to the streets. This girl next week needs to ask if there would be any problem with working in California with her job. She doesn't think there will be but she needs to know for sure. On a light side note this girl went out to eat sushi tonight and got all dolled up. And today she made lvl 18 in swtor...still no ship. This girl does not want to lose her Mistress as a friend no matter what happens. Moving is not a simple choice,nor is it a cheap one. Cost from here to there would be about 600-700 for gas,motel,food. And I would need a little extra in case I have car trouble like last time. I have no one that would come rescue me

March 3, 2012

it is still dealing with it's downswing... it is scared and concerned and doubting itself on so many levels right now. it is not presentable. it wishes it had an anecdote or something lighter to brighten this mood, but it is unable to think of any at this moment... :(

it has a large concern, because it is also realizing that it occasionally does get a strong desire to switch, and it does not know how that would be able to work with Mistress, and well... that's a very real concern.

it is waiting until Tuesday, so that it can weight out it's concerns about this with some assistance.

Aurora March 2, 2012

This girl's punishment is to write a 2400 word essay on her past history and from the time she meet Mistress till now and what she hopes to gain from it. She is looking forward this and to getting back to work. In the morning or afternoon her friend Stormy will be coming over and spending some time with her. She hope to be able to talk to her about the past and what may change. This girl feels in debt to Stormy for what she has done to help her. She doesn't want to end things for the wrong reasons or in haste. If this girl needs to leave Portland and all the great things she has access to she wants it to be for the right reason.She has a therapist that really goes out of her way to help and be available to her. She also has a Doctor that really listens to her.Also she has a hair dresser that is amazing and doesn't cost much to take care of her. about 100.00 to multi color her hair and cut and style it. She also has a very safe place to live and they like to play swtor with her. All these things are rare.

March 2, 2012

The depression seems to be in full swing. it contacted no one yesterday, it sat in it's apartment and thought. it does not like doing this. it wants it's appointment sooner rather than later.

Aurora March 1, 2012

Mistress was nice to this girl and let her play SWTOR with her. Most of the day was spent starring out the window at the out side world. She fall a sleep in her chair last night.She is not happy with her self for this.

 Yesterday 2-29-2012 was a good day that ended on a very bad note by doing a simple thing that could have avoided by setting a recurring alarm in its phone the be a daily reminded to start its affirmation by no later then 8:00 am. It has been doing it right after work but this was its first day off since it started. It has since corrected the error for the future but it still has to except that it failed this simple task it was given. Mistress was very kind letting her play a game with Mistress and it repaid that kindness by forgetting to set an alarm and doing its daily journal and affirmation  by 9 am. Mistress had to ask and It knows that Mistress should never have to ask.

March 1, 2012

it missed rabbit rabbit rabbit. This is unfortunate.

it is also generally depressed and really looking forward to it's appt next week :/

Aurora February 29, 2012

This girl went to bed right after she did her 30 mins when its shift ended. Then it could only sleep for about 4 hours and then got up and started watching " the walking dead" till about 5:30 pm and then it went back to bed till the start of its shift at 10:00 PM. Its shift has been very slow and quite so far. Its wanting to play SWTOR but it feels that it would be wrong until after the 11th. But it will do what ever Mistress tells it to do

February 29, 2012

it is nearly three weeks in, and it has had an oddly reflective night at the office. The phones slowed down a lot in the last couple hours, and it was left with it's thoughts. it hates being left with it's thoughts. As someone with ADHD and a genetic pre-disposition towards depression... Having that kind of time with it's thoughts is not the most pleasant experience. That time becomes a battle to keep positive tones and not to dwell too hard on the past.

On a positive note, it has technically sold the first copy of it's book today. So that felt good. it hopes that the mass print version will be available VERY soon. it is so tired of being in the 'final touches' stage.

it has had a rough week at work, feeling like a bit of a failure regarding stats at the office. But some of these things were out of it's hands, and the calls which wind up scored are chosen at random. So there's a definite element of luck there, and this month it's luck was terrible. Which is a shame, because it could have gotten a raise if it had three months in a row of good stats -this was to be it's third. That's more than 60 days of grueling hard work down the drain.

As it said... it is *trying* to stay positive, but this can be exceedingly difficult.

it had a lot of time today, with it's thoughts, it's fears, and it's concerns. And it had to confront them more tonight, rather than living in the moment and doing what feels right. it has concerns about a number of things, which it has been pushing back, because well, it feels right and it knows it's right place is at Mistress' feet, owned, submissive, happy. The conflict that it is having comes from it's [forcefully] found independence over the last couple years. it has been trained -by life and by relationships, not to depend on anyone, not to get too attached to anyone, not to let anyone completely in. When Mistress looks at me, reads me, knows what my heart wants, it is both gratifying and terrifying. How could I have let someone in so deep? How could I have let someone so close? She could destroy me at my very core... I'm not that strong, not so strong as everybody thinks. Inside, deeper, I'm honestly a very bitter, brittle and delicate broken person. I've rebuilt myself several times now. I've had to rebuild my self esteem and my self worth too many times. I lived with one woman for more than a year... After that she said that because of me she didn't know what love was anymore. I was married to a hellish woman -a bipolar ex-drug addict who refused to take her medications, whom I remained faithful and loyal to through hell and back... She cheated on me. She found a man via WoW (Yes, there's a damn good reason I'm bitter about that game), and she told him what a wretched and abusive husband I was (I wasn't), she told him how I belittled her (Quite the opposite), and she started quietly storing money away to move out... I had to find out from her sister that my wife was cheating on me -with a 17 year old boy, still attending high school, living in his grandparents basement. They met on WoW, "It was true love" she told me. She wasn't sorry for cheating, she wouldn't pretend to be. It was my fault, I drove her to it with my horrible behavior. I believed her for a while. Her family swooped in and quickly informed me otherwise, or I might not have made it through that ordeal. I served loyally a young couple, one largely experienced, one just beginning her journey as a Domme; they were friendly, they were hip, they were geeky like myself. I offered loyalty and servitude to them, dropping everything for them to be of service. They lost interest, became more intrigued by their work and friends, and stopped calling for me altogether. I wasn't desirable to them. I served a sadist... I mean a real sadist. A hard, abrasive, no holds barred, break you down sadist. And I loved her... she never knew it but I did. The more she beat me, the more she ran her blades over my flesh, the breath-play -her hand at my throat as she kissed me, the cbt, the absolute sense of devotion I had to her... One day she yelled at me. And not a little. A lot. She told me I had betrayed her, I couldn't be trusted. All I had done was approach her trainee (as instructed in these cases) and asked for more advice on how to better serve and please her. That was all. But I was suddenly worthless, unwanted, untrusted. Valueless and despicable. Broken again, in a very real very deep way. I had given my all. But, there to pick up the pieces was another. She was not a Domme, she was a newer kinkster, she was a switch. She was playful and friendly and open and true. She had beautiful red hair and a smile that melted my heart in an instant. I opened up to her, I couldn't not do it. I let her in, I shared my secrets, my darkness and my unspoken desires one by one. And over time, she only accepted me. She did not care that I had a child, she did not care that as a minor I was nearly responsible for a large scale massacre, she did not care that I was already divorced by the age of 25, she just accepted me. And the more I shared the more we grew together. We were reluctant to title the relationship at all, she was somewhat recently out of a marriage herself, so I let her simply enjoy the moment, and I worked at my confidence to let that be enough. Going so long without hearing the words "I love you" is really quite a trial -I knew she was worth it, worth all that wait. After a year, she had a choice... and she chose to move to Denmark for a new job position. She could not invite me, and I could not come on this journey. We talked at great length, and opted for long distance. I stretched myself beyond natural limits to be there when she could talk, to keep her updated, and to make her feel like we weren't so far apart. Emails each morning, chat at least once a week. All the while asking how she was doing, and encouraging her while she was so lonely in a strange country. Her company paid for her to visit occasionally back to the states. Those weekends were treasured... When she came back after the first six months she told me that she loved me. We hugged, we cried, and when I turned around after watching her drive away for the airport I cried far more. I couldn't even hide the tears from my friends. I don't cry. Ever. Six months later, she visited again, she had been faced with another decision. Come back to the states and enjoy more than six months-worth of pay as they closed her office, or stay in a foreign country with no contacts, no grasp on the native language, and no documentation for a prospective employer. One of these choices seemed much easier, and I was eager for her to come back. She didn't choose that. She came to me, and we talked, and I knew what was coming by the look of her eyes. The smile was gone, and the curve at the corner of her mouth was nowhere to be seen. She was holding back tears as she told me that she had decided to stay in a foreign country, and she would not allow me to come with her. And all I could do was support her and try not to think that a strange life in a foreign land full of uncertainty and probably financial failure was somehow more enticing than coming back to the states to be with me. Perhaps that is an unfair way to look at it. But when one weighs out the two sides of that decision, it seems difficult not to see it as a personal statement.

These aren't all the moments it has been through, but these are some of the heavier ones, there are more. And when it is alone with it's thoughts, these and more haunt it. it can't let these things go, and it does not know how to trust. it has built up a barrier around itself, a barrier it must sustain. it knows only how to ask Mistress not to pass that barrier, it worries that it cannot keep her out. But what is inside that barrier is an ugly, battered, broken and unhappy thing. it does not like what is at it's core anymore. But it needs to ignore that to continue on. Otherwise it must face the truths that can't be dealt with, can't be worked through. And it can not go down that path.

it's father passed on December 18th, 2007. He was never a happy man, he was angry and unwilling to accept the life he had created for himself, yet unwilling to institute change or improvement. Instead, he made everyone around him miserable. As it entered high school, it saw his first suicide attempt. He had swallowed pills, a lot of them. He then had second thoughts and called the paramedics. He had left notes all over the house for it's mother. A well thought out plan. it remembers sitting by his side in the hospital. Breathing tubes in his nose, and that awful, numbing white apron with the little blue diamonds all over it. He looked at me, and he carefully took my hand, he was still weak, the pills had started taking their toll before his stomach could be pumped. He looked me in the eye, and he apologized to me, for never being there and never taking interest in my life. He gave me his word that he was going to change that, and that he wanted to get to know me. Mom came back, the doctors needed to change his IV and they wanted him to rest more, it was time for me to go. A week later, he was back at his desk, browsing online auctions and ignoring me as much as he could. When I asked him if he wanted to ride bikes, or do something else, he simply said "Not now" and "I'm busy". I gave up after three weeks of trying. A few years later, he tried again, it was my senior year of high school. That's supposed to be the good one, the last year before you become a responsible adult. The school year started off with my mom discovering him on the floor. He'd cut himself clean across the wrist. I didn't see the blood, but I wasn't allowed back into the house until it had been professionally bleach and steam cleaned. Seeing the size of that lighter toned circle in the carpet where the cleaners had done their best to inconspicuously clean it, with a hint of darker tones around the edges only confirmed how big the blood spot had been on the floor. I still see that when I visit. I don't know if it's visible, but I see it. When he came back, he vowed to fix things. He wrote me a letter, before and after he had made the attempt. Begging for my forgiveness, begging my mom for hers. And afterwards, he promised to get more involved, he told me that I was now a man, and he'd missed out on my childhood, but he refused to miss the rest of my life. How can you miss the childhood of your offspring when they sleep right across the hall from you? it's like you'd nearly have to be there for it on accident. Needless to say he never followed through. My mom later conjured up a surprise divorce process to finish out the second half of senior year -ensuring that I would have wonderfully traumatic occurrences on each side. She told me ahead of time, and then told me not to tell him. She told me that she was planning to stay with her mom. I couldn't come, her mom only had room for one. I knew I couldn't stay with my dad. I was barely 18 and not yet out of high school and I was hearing that my folks were leaving me with no place to stay. For the next few weeks, life felt like a blur of unpleasant conversation. Dad told me about their sex life, mom told me about the wedding, they told me about all the promises both broken and kept. I heard everything. Every bit of it, all the things that a child shouldn't hear. Ever. And through all of this, I was somehow a mediator, steadfast and determined and somehow stronger than both of them combined. They stayed together... And my old man left his promises to stop taking me for granted by the wayside. My role was complete, I was no longer of interest or value. This seems to be a life theme.

On September 2nd, of 2007, my wife moved out. She gathered up everything she wanted, left the apartment a filthy disgusting mess full of her trash and unwanted junk, and I sat in my apartment feeling truly alone and abandoned. On December 15th, 2007 I got the call from my mother that my father was in the hospital. She had come home to find post it notes all over the house -notes about everything. Where to ship eBay items, how to work the thermostat, how to control the sprinklers, codes for bank accounts and financial necessities, love letters and apologies to her. I saw the stack later, there were quite easily over 100 of them scattered throughout the house. He had thought of every single thing, and once he had he stepped into the garage, wheeled his motorcycle up into the storage room and shut the door before taping a rubber hose to the exhaust, and then putting it in his mouth. She found the notes again, it must have been one truly eerie site... I do not envy her that. I went to be with her that day, we visited the hospital, he was in a coma. I held his limp hand, and spoke to him. I left with my mother, angry. She went through all the notes, and I asked her if he had left any of them for me. He hadn't. In more than 100 notes, filled with everything from 'I love you' to 'I am sorry' to 'Be sure to turn the green knob past the yellow dot for the sprinklers', he didn't feel I was worth saying so much as a goodbye to. The next day I visited him in the hospital once more, still in a coma, likely not coming out any time soon. Before I could find his room, I sat in the cafeteria a bit, my fellow submissive at the time was with me. She had no idea what to even say, she knew we weren't close. Just sitting there, I knew this was my last opportunity to say something, and the death seemed to be creeping in even from there. I found his room, took his hand one more time, and I told him "I forgive you"... I'm not a superstitious person, nor am I a religious one... I'm quite the opposite. In fact, western religion and new age tend to be somewhat offensive to me at times. But as I forgave him, I swear that just for a second, his fingers curled into my hand, and he let out a sigh. That was the last time I will see my old man. I don't hate him for what he did. His role in my life brought much pain, and most of the lessons I learned from him were in 'what NOT to do'; but on the 18th of December 2007 when the hospital called to tell me that they were pulling the plug because he was showing no signs of improvement and had no health care to foot the bill... this one was at peace with the matter.

it is not angry at him, it has genuinely forgiven him. But this one can not forget, that even from a young age, it has been worthless, ignored, and unwanted by even those who should most love it. Perhaps it has developed a complex, and clearly it has some emotional issues that it must wrestle with for some time to come... but between the damage of relationships, and the damage of it's own family's behaviors... it is terrified of opening up, and knows only how to close itself off. it has scheduled it's next appointment with it's therapist, perhaps another part of it's life that it has not yet shared with Mistress. The therapist helps it to feel safe in expressing it's concerns because it is genuinely incapable of doing so within a relationship; and based on it's history, therapists tend to say that's going to be a rather permanent wall for this one. it can not be what Mistress wants, it cannot be completely open, it cannot correctly express it's feelings. it is too worn and damaged.

it is going to bed to try and sleep off all the things that it has been confronted with. it is not affirming today, because it cannot shake the thoughts that filled this entry, and the affirmations will serve counter to their purpose. it understands that it has not maintained protocol throughout this entry, but it recalls that this is a safe place, and it was writing out of true feelings and passions... it accepts punishment if that must be had Mistress.

Aurora February 28, 2012

This girl was really freaked out by her supervisor and is still freaking because this girl is trying to do the best she can but some things take time to resolve and the supervisor is not being very understanding. As a result this girl only got about 3 hours of sleep today. And until this girl can resolve the software crash with incoming calls she will be very stressed. This girl is doing every thing she can to resolve the work problems. To that end this girl went to fry's today to get a video card and she was talked into spending more then she wanted to. What this girl ended up getting was a evga 560 ti ftw for 289.00. That solves the ghosting and other problems. so all that is left is fixing ninjato crashes with incoming calls. This girl managed not to buy fast food twice today and tonight she is going to eat like 5 corn dogs over the course of her shift. The rest of this girl's shift went uneventful. She is happy that her computer is working better. She about to start her mins and then get some much needed sleep.

February 28, 2012

As it nears three weeks, it is still somewhat in awe of Mistress, and how quickly She pulls it's heart into Her. it does not know what much to type today, other than to say it slept a LOT yesterday, or rather it slept until very late, because it tossed and turned so late into the morning, and even a bit of the afternoon. it intends to go heavier on the sleeping supplements today to ensure timely sleep. Hmm... not much else. it hasn't had much time do really do much of anything lately. it lacks free time, and feels it is becoming a dull boy. lol.

this dull boy is off to perform affirmations and then to sleep.

Aurora February 27, 2012

This girl slept most of the day till about 4 pm when my x-Mistress from chicago called for tech support because they got a rootkit virus. I tried to get connected to there computer which is a laptop but it kept over heating and shutting down. So this girl ended up having to just give them the names of the programs they will need to remove the virus. Then I went down stairs to talk with my roommate about Stormy not showing up today or calling or texting. This girl hope she is ok...a long time friend of her's committed suicide a few days ago.
This girl did manage to clean her room and start a load of clothes washing but could not finish cause the dryer was in use. About 7 PM this girl got a video chat from her Mistress at the same time she about to eat a can of chili and Mistress was nice and let her eat. This girl loves talking to her Mistress and getting to know her. At about 12:30 am she got a cup of home made chicken soup and 2 corn dogs but has only had a chance to eat one of the corn dogs and very little soup. This girl also took her diet pill and hormones.  This girl just got an email from Stormy and as it turns out this is what she had to say
"My cell fell off my night stand sunday morning and whatever happened to it it is not working so I had no navigation or way to call you since your number is in my cell and I had no way to figure out how to get to your place...on top of that the modem or something isnt working at the house so no internet...talk about a sucky ass day. Internet issue has been going on on and off so they are suppose to come out and fix it."

February 27, 2012

Hmmm.... entry entry entry... it doesn't have much to say. it is eagerly awaiting a package in the mail. it really wants to be done publishing >.<

Anywho, it... Hmmm.... it does not know what else to write. it fears it does not have so many revelations to post, as it has been through much of the transition into this lifestyle already. it does not mean to be proud, not by any means, it simply doesn't have so many moments of shock and awe... it, in many ways, knows what to expect. it just wants to slowly get accustomed to Mistress, Her desires and wishes, and find a comfortable transition to being less it's own independent and more Her slave. ^_^

it is going to affirm, and then have a wonderful cider; before squirming in bed being quite horny and having already given Mistress control of it's orgasms. God damn, it's squirmy.

Aurora February 26, 2012

Today this girl took her first step into the future with her Mistress. She does not know what the future holds or what trials it may face. She does now that she has a lot in common with her Mistress. She knows that it takes faith to step into the unknown. She has worries that must be dealt with before she can make the finale step into her owners arms. She must find down there all that she has up here to make that finale step. She needs to find a good kink aware therapist and a trans friendly doctor that doesn't treat her like a number. She wishes she could find what she needs here in Portland but she has looked for 3 years and not found it. She is positive that she will find her next Mistress soon and hopefully her last. She is tired of packing and moving. So she will spend the money to fly around and meet people to find the right Mistress to turn all that she is over to. She must not rush to find the wrong Mistress just to have one

New member of the family!!

Well at long last my search has uncovered who I hope to be is my second for My home!  I will be adding her journals here also.

February 26, 2012

Hmmm, what to write... it slept. A lot. it has not been feeling it's best still, just tired with dry eyes. This isn't a common thing for it, it hopes this is allergy related. it still has visions of Mistress dancing in it's head. Hmm... it is unsure what to write about today... it is planning to resume therapy, not for any particular trauma or diagnosed issue, but as a place to 'safely' express it's feelings\thoughts\concerns without the subtle worry of repercussions, etc. it knows that in time it will trust Mistress entirely, it already trusts Her more than it's own reflex tells it that it should trust someone. The last time she beat it as punishment, it found itself diving into a submissive space in which it would have allowed her to inflict the world upon it. it was determined to accept whatever She deemed fit, and it was determined to be nothing but submissive and grateful. That said, it still has a hard time opening up. Not even intentionally, there are so many things about it that make up who it is, it doesn't know what to share at times, or what it has\has not shared before. For example, it is a novelist, it is a certified reverend, it is an only child, and it is a former missionary of sorts. These aren't 'secrets' per-say, but they are things about it that most people simply don't know. it has difficulty understanding how to properly assess what needs to be known, as it feels there is simply too much information to fully disclose... it worries that it will unintentionally overlook something and upset Mistress.

That said... um... it does not know of a historical incident to refer to today, tomorrow it will share an anecdote of sorts... a true story. A [sadly] true story at that, of it's first foray into D\s, anal play, and accidental humiliation.