Aurora March 24, 2012

i am having one of those days where i am feeling confused about my choices. i am pretty sure it has to do with the hack of sleep over the last 48 hrs. If i could have what i wanted out of life this is what i want. A D/s relationship where i was the alpha. But one that allowed cuddling and love. One where the protocol is there when it should be and relax a bit when its just the two of us so i maybe closer to my partner. One that likes to go out to clubs to flirt. To have a partner that wants me to better myself and is smart enough to guide me to that end. i need that binding love again. i have had it three times in my life. The first time was in high school and the second was to my x-wife and the last time was with Amy. And Amy is the strongest because its Jennifer's first love. i want to believe i can be a partner that is equal to a wife to someone. Nothing reminds me how alone i am then in the morning and evening when there is no one to say i love you. its like a knife being press into my heart. Lately i have been feeling that the best i can hope for is to be someone's third. i hope and pray that is not true. And its not helping that its slow at work, no calls or chats in 16 mins so far. i am sitting here crying and wishing i could call someone so that i can feel less alone. Kim is great to be around but i cannot afford to go out as much as her and it drives me a way from my goals. i like my Mistress and want to do things that make her happy but i am unsure if i will ever lover in the way that i need. what i mean is that my love might be that of a sister or bff. i wonder if you can have the same kind of love from your partner in a D/s lifestyle. without that close love of a partner i feel i may stray, and continue my search for it.When your in love with your partner you want to see them happy as much as they want to see me happy.One of thing to note, Amy came over to pay me a visit and i wonder if i am feeling this way cause she is toxic to my heart and soul. i do not have the strength to boot her from my life and i really don't want to cause she has always been there for me. i have to admit that nights like this i do think about hanging myself, just so the pain would end. but i don't cause i believe it can get better.i feel so bad right now that i want to toss my lunch.

Aurora March 23, 2012

well i played swtor after recovering from my hang over. That reminds me to drink slower and a little less.But most of all eat before i drink. In swtor i made 39 before the servers went off line at 12 midnight and so i decide with my free time to apply for some jobs that are part time. i hope i at least hear from them. Friday at 5:30 pm i got a dinner date with Kim at chevy's and i have a therapist appointment at 1 pm.

Aurora March 22, 2012

i hate myself more then anyone should. i lost my grandma's ring cause i did some thing dumb and i know better or at least I should. tonight i drink mysef silly and lost her ring as a result. i called the club 4 mins after they closed and left a message. i will in the morning and everyday till i reach someone. i don't deserve a Mistress or happiness for what i did.

Aurora March 21, 2012

i woke up sore today and as the day went along i started feeling worse and worse. The about 7 pm my head started to hurt. While i was talking with my Mistress i seem to black out and then found my self in the living room with my roommates laughing at me. i don't know why they was laughing at me and i didn't want to ask to i ran back up stairs with my Mistress laughing as well and that i did not mind a bit. i called in sick and then went to bed for a few hours and i got up about midnight i think. So i got on swtor and played. i meet two people that say they play a lot and made them a friend in game. The story line is getting better and better. i played cause i am so excited about tonight. i haven't been dancing in a very long time cause i didn't have any one to dance with that was near my height. So off to bed i go after i do my affirmation.

Aurora March 20, 2012

i am so looking forward to Wednesday night and getting out of the room and going dancing. But out side of that I had a really super time with Mistress today. She did hypnosis on me and now has control of my orgasms and she remove that curse of me having to pee when i hear water run. it feels so strange not to have control over my orgasms. its exciting and feels right for her to have that control. i am not sure what else she might program into me or what else she can do with it.

Aurora March 19, 2012

i can't seem to find a way out of the loop i am in. i keep finding people that are out of my area forcing me to make a hard choice or a leap faith. Or they are married or mentally ill or i am the rebound. Or maybe i am curse and this is my cross to bare. i feel lost in a sea of choices. Some times i wish i could snap my fingers and go back to Chicago  and work out a way to come right back. Life was easier as a slave i did as i was told. i did not question. i did not have to worry about choices. it was simple focus on them and if they was happy i was happy as long as i did not think about my past and not being loved ever again.

Aurora March 18, 2012

i didn't do a whole lot yesterday..just went to winco to get food for the next 6 days and then i came home and played swtor. My work shift was busy and i wanted to see how many tickets i could do in a shift and i was able to do about double my normal ticket out put. i talk to my friend Kim for a bit and she invited me to lunch at 11 am. i really like talking to her. She reminds me of my sister in the way she looks and the way she talks. well off to bed.