Kajira 8/22/2011 - 8/28/2011

08/22/2011

This one slept not very well for over half of the evening because of what happened last night. This one said something very out of place for it and it got a warning but it felt so terrible... something in its head cracked and it felt undeserving of anything and everything including sleep it felt like it needed to be punished for its actions under any means necessary... it attempted to punish it self to the carpet floor instead of the mat it is suppose to sleep on without a pillow or a blanket and attempted to dig its face into the carpet for some kind of punishment without waking Master and Mistress... it laid like that for about a hour or two unable to sleep until it realized that... its not this ones place to punish itself, its Mistress gave it a warning and that was all that should be needed, and that this one was being ridiculous. Also a few things came up in its head that evening as well... First off that its entire life even EARLY childhood when it played “house” with its friends/ family/ others it ALWAYS played the pet... Also during high school it wore a collar half of the time because it felt like it needed to and ever since about 15 years old it ALWAYS searched for a Master/ Mistress to own it (online of course at the time.)  This one thinks for its entire life it has always needed to be at someone's feet happily as Their pet... This one is more than happy every time Mistress calls it “good girl” or “good pet” or “my pet” now if only Master called it good girl or good pet that would be so kind and nice of Him... Sadly it never expects He will no matter how hard this one does something for Him. This ones juices flow every time Mistress/ Master touches it lovingly and especially when its at Mistress's feet.... it tends to get “hard.” A few times, its not sure if She did it on purpose or not, but this one discovered by complete accident that it has a fetish it did not know about... it got REALLY turned on every time Mistress put Her foot on this one's head/ face... it does not know why... or how this came to be but this evening this one got “hard” within seconds when She did it. Earlier in the day though this one got to go to its work's office and get its uniforms, and orientation finished up. This one since it was the only transfer and all the others were new hires it got to be the guinea pig of the orientation which was fun but also embarrassing. This one also whenever it stood up and stood still it instinctively went into “parade rest” without even thinking about it at all... and many times it “almost” said it instead of i... Everyone was sooo kind and sweet though it was such a wonderful day. Sadly Mistress had a awful day and ALMOST walked out on Her job... This one was SOOO sad to hear that and it was so happy to be right there to pick Her up from the trolly and also to give Her a entire full-body massage which She almost fell asleep in which was so nice, it really felt like a good girl today. That is up until it made the mistake to forget that it is suppose to use the word Mistress at the end of of a sentence AND in-front of it... This one will NEVER make that verbal mistake again, it was happy to receive its proper punishment for that action and although very painful, it reminded it of its wonderful position to Them and made it so very, very happy. This one knows that Master/ Mistress are not into pet play that much but hopefully it gets to play one at some point as a gift if it stays a good girl, as it would be nice to be literally no higher than Mistress and Master's knees for a day and not able to speak and such... but hey the fact that Mistress (hopefully Master sometime) calls this one good pet and my pet and pet, so much more often than slave now makes it so happy. This one knows its Their slave but it does enjoy being called Their pet a lot more because well, as it has mentioned before it does not believe it is truly human it is a dragon. A very happy dragoness curled up at its Master and Mistress's feet. When this one was nuzzling against Mistress's leg and She pet it and called it a good pet, it was in bliss... heaven... it cant even begin to describe these feelings... it was better than a orgasm and it does not lie there.... Being called a good pet whilst being petted by the Person that you have devoted your life to... was the sweetest most unthinkably wonderful thing this one has ever experienced... it wants to be there more often so badly.. it loves its Mistress so much for that gift She gave it this evening... Nothing... no material object could ever equal the bonding and tenderness She gave this one... nothing... Mistress when You read this Thank You... and Master You have one of the most wonderful, sweet, kind, and caring people on this earth.... don't let Her go She has been through a lot and needs Your love. She loves You so much...

08/23/2011

This one slept really well and took Mistress to Her other job site and sadly since its work did not call it had to Call them. They got back to it about a hour later and sent it to a site for a interview, it went really well and just after it got back home after it took Mistress to Her regular job site it was called back to do its first day of work. The job is to patrol a bunch of jet fuel lines for Hamilton Sundstrand, They build, maintain and repair jet engines and other aerospace devices. They make a lot of stuff for the military so a bunch of confidential things as well that of course it would never go into. Work was soooo exhausting... Four hours of walking around the factory and it was so hard. This one couldn't look anyone in the eyes even if it tried and it almost spoke in third person many times, and it felt worthless and alone and empty because Master and Mistress were not Their and it was not wearing Their collar just its public collar that when it rubbed it a little it reminded it of its position and that helped a bit. This one also messaged Mistress about how hard work was and how much difficulty it was having being treated as a equal and it did not drink or eat a single thing... for eight hours it did not think about eating or drinking because it was not told to eat or drink, and it was concentrating so hard on not falling back into subspace publicly that thinking about its bodily needs was not a thought that came up at all. This one hates working because its not doing things specifically and directly for Master and Mistress, but Mistress's words reaffirmed its position and how it really was serving Them and that it was really working as a slave, for Master and Mistress even if They were not present... because all the money it makes goes to Them not it... and it makes Them happy by bringing home a check for Them, so it is doing good and it gets to show publicly that it is a good girl that behaves and works well and does not slack. Although it is not telling the work employees that it is a slave or that its good behavior is from its Mistress and Master it still reflects back onto Them when others read this journal and see that it has been doing a good job at work for its wonderful Master and Mistress. This one is so happy to be Their pet, Their slave, Their possession, it couldn't ever think of itself as a free person, it could never think of a life outside Master and Mistress's loving embrace and care. This one belongs to Them fully and completely in all ways shapes and forms. Mistress and Master thank You so very, very much for everything.


08/24/2011

This one woke up really sore from work the previous day and then got up and took Mistress to Her other site and that went well then it came back and got the things done it needed to get done, then something amazing happened to it... Master completely out of the blue asked to use it... it was shocked, amazed, and awe stricken it did not know what to say other than what it is suppose to say, “Master Yes Master” it was soo nice, He bit this one's nipples and teased its clit a lot then fucked its ass... it had such a massive orgasm it felt like everything went black and white for a few seconds, then it even got better, he pulled it into a embrace and called it a good girl.... Thinking back on it now makes it tear up a little... its so happy to feel love from Master's touch and voice... it finds it difficult to find words to describe how happy its day has gone... Then later in the night it was given a chance to be at Mistress's feet again and that was so sweet and wonderful and so blissful and it heard about Master and Mistress paying for the hotel room for its dragon sister zephyrr for her share of the weekend and even more so They plan to make her Their online pet until then and if it goes well maybe permanently online afterward.... maybe a long while afterward take her in as a slave with this one and its sister slave destiny, as she will only be a hour and a half away middle of next year-ish. This one was so shocked that its sister and Mistress clicked so well. This one knows They will love her when They see her for the first time. she can sometimes be even more submissive than this one which is quite amazing. This one is amazed each and every single day it speaks with its Master and Mistress and every day it goes deeper and deeper and more and more connected with Them. This one loves Them more than anything and the prospect that its dragon sister would become Their slave as well even if it was just online is quite amazing, its so happy and it knows its dragon sister is even more over joyed. This one still cannot wait until its sister destiny arrives so it can experience all these feelings with her by its side. Every time its head gets petted/ patted and every time it is called a good girl by Them it melts inside more and more and becomes more and more attached to Them. This one knows at this point... if Master and Mistress abandoned it (which it knows would never happen) that it would be more lost than a three legged puppy in the middle of the highway, it knows that is a terrible analogy but its the best it could come up with on the spot. This one cannot wait until it dawns Master and Mistress's permanent collar that day is looked a pawn like its wedding day... This one loves Them so much...


08/25/2011

This one sleep decently and woke up and was told that today it will be scrubbing all the tiled floors with a tooth brush which was a interesting task in of its self. This one got it all done and it must say that it was very tedious especially when it went to do the kitchen tiles and the much bigger scrubby brush was right there in front of it but it knew that it was not to touch that brush and that it will do the best job possible even with a toothbrush. This one was given a opportunity to speak with its new sister slave Nichole (pre-slave name.) She will be Mistress and Master's online slave until the duration of the Convention in January is over and once that is a decision will be made. This one guesses its new sister slave will become a permanent online slave with possibility of becoming a permanent real life slave in the long future later. This one is so happy with this prospect, it knows its new sister would love this and will want to stay just like this one and its wonderful sister destiny. This one also got to see Mistress drunk for the first time and it must say that She is a VERY silly and playful drunk, and everything She sees or hears is funny, it finds that very cute of its Mistress. Well this one has a migraine and it will be headed off to bed now. This one is sad this entry was so short because it loves writing about its complete devotion to its Master and Mistress.

08/26/2011

This one hates working outside the home because it is not under Master and Mistress's eyes and care and protection... it felt so confused and lonely without Their commands and care. This one needs to serve and needs a Master/ Mistress of some kind, it found it self craving and wishing so badly that Master and Mistress were there. This one thought about texting Mistress and begging for Her words to put this one back into its happy submissive state of mind easier but it knew not to bother Her. This one loves Them so much but this working after going into and accepting itself and fully realizing its a slave  outside of the home where people treat it like equals and such is awful, it never thought that this life could change this ones mind so drastically and so quickly... this one knows that if anything ever happened and it had to be free again it would be like a completely lost and confused, unable to make decisions and choices for itself because it knows in its heart and soul that it needs dominance, and control or else it will do wrong. This one is property not a free person. Every time though that Master/ Mistress text it on the phone that Mistress and Master allows it to carry and use as if it was its own, it feels better and it hopes it does not need this every day for too long while working because its not Mistress and Masters job to keep this one working happily, this one needs to learn to accept that it is working for Master and Mistress outside of the home, and that everything it does at its job is for THEM and everything it says and does reflects back onto THEM so it has to be a good girl, a good pet, a good slave for Them and do its job well... This one just wishes it had something that could keep it in its place at work... because working is a constant headache. This one whenever it is not patrolling it is watching the clock begging it to turn to 2330 (11:30pm) so that it may return to Master and Mistresss's feet. Not only that but it watches its phone like a hawk for Master and/ or Mistress's text messages in hopes that it would get something from Them to make its day at work that much easier and workable. This one wishes that it had a job that it could do at home so that it never had to leave Master/ Mistress's sight.. it hates being separated from Them. It feels almost like a punishment everyday it goes to work. Oh well four more days to go until it can be happily back at Their feet fully for two days.

08/27/2011

This one has another three days at work until it can be back happily at its Master and Mistress's feet. Today it woke up with a surprise Mistress was attempting the toothpaste on the nipples thing again and it was so sleepy and out that it did not notice really at all. Then it got its punishment for disobeying Mistress. This one was told to “beg” Master to read its earlier journal and it only asked Him to. This one learned the hard way it has to obey its Mistress. Looking back at the day it does not know why it did not beg Him to read it, it guesses that it is embarrassed to beg and it thought that, that method would just bother Master. This one knows better now. Later on Master and Mistress took it to ihop which was AMAZINGLY delicious, that was sooo kind of Them, as this one ADORES ihop and Their pancakes. Then we went across the other side of the parking lot to Costco which was a super fun trip but this one needs to shut its mouth in public, it just for its entire life is so used to speaking freely that when it was showing Master and Mistress around costco it forgot its proper place and felt terrible that it did. Mistress and Master though were EXTREMELY too kind to this one and gave it the most ADORABLE pet bed... its soooo squishy and soft and comfy and it really puts it into its subspace so nicely.... it loves its new pet bed and before it had to leave to work it curled up and almost fell asleep until Mistress came over and teased it about it laying soo happily in its new pet bed. Mmmm that word, pet, means so much to this one. As much as this one knows it is Their slave and is soo happily being Their slave it loves the word pet so much more, it rings to much more closer to home and it really clicks with this ones mind... Being called a good girl or good pet are sooooooo nice and it hopes to do something good enough for Them to earn that praise every day... Well speaking of which it better go to sleep so that it can wake up earlier to better serve its Mistress and Master before it heads off to work.

08/28/2011

This one slept soooo nicely on its new pet bed and it really put this one in its place mentally... just sleeping on that bed kept it thinking of itself as Master and Mistress's pet all night even through work... and alone is a feat in of itself. This one did get a lot of free time earlier in the day and it got to play some games of League of Legends with Mistress which was fun. This one also when it got home was able to make Mistress Her breakfast for the next morning. When Mistress told it to make Her that it felt sooo good to do something like that for Her... it loves Serving Them both sooooo very very much.... Mistress this morning even pet it on the head a little and called it a good girl again... This one loves and craves those words SOOO badly every day and every night. This one though has trouble writing its journals this late at night and will probably start doing them before it goes to work. This one also texted its sister at work telling her how much it misses talking to her and how much it cant wait until she moves in and stays with Master and Mistress with this one at her side. This one has been counting down the days and knows the day she arrives its going to be wonderful. This one really does miss hypnosis and hopes Master and/ or Mistress incorporates some of it at some point.

Destiny 8-22-11 - 8-28-11

8-22-11

Hello journal, it is especially glad to be writing in you today. it has just performed its affirmation and sent its journal to Master and Mistress, and these days always remind it of the importance of its journal. Really, it is such a wonderful outlet for it, it has discovered so many things about itself and its service to Master and Mistress through its journal that it would never have figured out on its own, that Master and Mistress command it to keep its journal is truly a wonderful gift. Looking back on earlier entries makes it almost cringe, it was so stilted and didn’t really understand, but now it flows so freely. it supposes it has a lot to do with the fact that, while it almost always has a ton of things it wants to say about things, it almost never knows how to go about saying them, even in everday life, as boring as that is, and so its experiences with Master and Mistress obviously cause many more thoughts and feelings to emerge within it, but whats so wonderful about it is that unlike in life living as a free person in this case there is a very specifically well defined protocol for it to express itself it can at last do so, since it has permission to and has been told how to act so it doesn’t have to always worry and make its own decisions about how to act. it thinks what its trying to get at is that the journal entries just kind of pour out kind of in the same way that dreams work, in that all during the day you are in the background processing your days events into symbolic relationships which all of a sudden burst forth during the dream, and in the same way because it is given the freedom to be able to act only as Master and Mistress decide and not have to worry so much about how it expresses itself, that all its interactions with Master and Mistress are therefore being processed in the background through its service and so when the time is right its like its already clear how it feels about what has happened. Anyway journal, it will not praise you overmuch journal lest you get cocky, and as it is waiting for Mistress’ reply it will say goodnight for now.

8-23-11

     Journal it has many things to tell you about today, so it will try to kind of go in order. Last night unfortunately it had its phone on silent and so did not hear Mistress’ call but was so glad to talk to Her and Master and sister when it got home. Mistress emailed it a new position ‘parade rest,’ which it finds very interesting although unlike the others the associated feeling with the position isn’t as clear. it supposes the notion being communicated is like inspection but a more expressive/showy way? it knows the title of the position is from a military posture and so isn’t really intended to convey an associated power exchange meaning but it is still curious as to how it should feel when it is told to go into this position, but again it is sure Master and Mistress will instruct it on this when the time comes. In the phone call last night Mistress also shared with it the absolutely beautiful collaring ceremony and slave’s statement which She wrote. Journal, what She wrote really is so wonderful, when it was reading it as Mistress sent it in our conversation it doesn’t know why but it was just overwhelmed, that Mistress was giving it these words which so perfectly express how it feels toward Master and Mistress, it was like She could see right to the center of its heart, and it made it cry, it was embarassed, it even hoped Mistress wouldn’t notice but of course She did and was very sweet to it as She always is. it was truly moving and it knows actually saying those words at the real moment of its collaring will probably be beyond anything it can imagine right now, but it so looks forward to it. Anyway onto today journal, not so much happened other than it performing its affirmation before it went to work, and also it was very happy that Mistress called to check on it when She heard about the earthquake (which was actually the first it had heard of it..) as it always makes it happy when it remembers how much Master and Mistress care for it.  

8-24-11

Journal, it has just gotten off the phone with Master and Mistress, and as always it had a very enjoyable conversation. it wishes it could hear better, it supposes part of the reason it hates phone calls is because it is slightly hard of hearing and the static of a phone and no visual cues makes it harder, but it still hates how often it has to ask to hear something again, like tonight Mistress addressed it and it didn’t hear its name at all, its ashamed because it knows it makes it look like its an inattentive slave when all it wants to do is give all of its attention to Master and Mistress. Mistress thought that it was doing something else, but the truth is that whenever Master and Mistress call it on the phone, depending on how it is able based on how its sitting, etc it always tries to kneel and cast its eyes down and be still, since that really helps it feel like Master and Mistress are right there with it when we’re talking, and that's such a huge comfort for it. But anyway despite all that it did have a lovely conversation with Master and Mistress, although it is very concerned about the difficulties Mistress seems to be having with Her work. it doesn’t really understand, and knows there isn’t anything it can do, but it just wishes it could be more of a comfort to Mistress at a difficult time, but it knows theres only so much that can be done at distance. Really, it wishes there were more ways it could serve Master and Mistress even now, but it knows that soon enough this will be remedied.

8-25-11

Today it worked all day, but Master and Mistress were at the very front of its mind all along, which really is its salvation. it performed its affirmation on its lunch break in its car, which it was actually extremely happy to do, it felt so satisfying that it was able to give up its entire free time in service to Master and Mistress, and since it is working all these extra shifts for the sole purpose of getting more money for its trip to be with Master and Mistress, that affirmation-tranquility stayed with it the rest of the night. Mistress told it that it was to call Her concerning a new development but unfortunately it had to wait until later in the night while it was out on a random fool’s errand for work, at which point Mistress was rather tipsy. Master talked to it initially and asked how it was doing, and it was so glad to talk to Him since it hasn’t got to since His birthday, but afterwards He gave the phone to Mistress despite her tipsiness. Hehe journal, it was actually awesome to talk to Mistress that way, She kept apologizing about it but it thought it was hilarious and made it feel close to Her. Honestly, since it has been serving Master and Mistress a lot of stuff has happened in all of our lives and sometimes it feels like things are a little staid over the phone (its sure it is the origin of this much more so than Master and Mistress, Who are lively regardless) and so it made it really glad to hear Mistress so happy and it made it relax a little too. Unfortunately what She had to talk about wasn’t all good news, as She had much more extreme difficulties with work today. it feels so sorry, it makes it so guilty that it can’t be there for Her at this time, it wishes it could do something for Her but it knows that it is serving Master and Mistress best by doing just as They instruct. But the other part of the news was good in that it appears that it will have a new but temporary sister slave, who is one of sister kajira’s good friends and who will be joining us to the convention in January (ConFursion, it thinks?) it had never thought about how one would be a slave just for a weekend, it would just be a totally different internal experience from a slave who is bound full time to that Master or Mistress, and honestly it doesn’t think it would be possible for it to do such a thing, it needs the long term commitment and trust building for anything to work. Although really it supposes its perspective on the whole thing is probably different from most, since the vast majority of subs only submit in play scenes, and even those that go full time have worked their way up from that stage, but it has never been involved in play and from the very beginning in its first experience in the lifestyle it has been in its role as slave to Master and Mistress, so perhaps its understandable that it can’t really see things any other way.

8-26-11

Journal it has little to report today. Again it was at work all day and again it thought about Master and Mistress almost the entire time. Whenever it is stressed out or really upset immediately the first thing it goes to is either imagining serving Master and Mistress or Master and Mistress punishing it, depending on whether it is in a kind of self-hate mode or not, and it is remarkable how instantly it makes it feel better and calms it and centers it, and sometimes even just thinking this way it is able to go into that magical place that Master and Mistress give it where all the stress and pain and sorrow are at once converted into bliss and ecstatically overpowering feelings of submission to Master and Mistress. it really is such a wonderful comfort for it, but again it supposes this is appropriate, that it would be comforted by centering itself in its own identity, which is a possesion and pet of Master and Mistress. Mistress also texted it briefly, again apologizing for what She didn’t remember from our conversation yesterday and hoping She hadn’t said anyhting silly, which it found to be very cute since Mistress is always such a delight to talk to and has never said anything hurtful to it and so it just shows how considerate and wise a Mistress She is to double check Herself so carefully even when She always acts so well to it and has nothing to worry about.

8-27-11

Journal it has little to report to you today, since again it was just at work most of the day and spent most of that time thinking about Master and Mistress and being glad that it was working not for itself but for Them and comforting itself with thoughts of Them, and since it has already hashed out how that kind of feels to it yesterday it will not belabor you again. Mistress has told it however that an even further new development has occurred and She will tell it about it tomorrow in the early afternoon when it calls Her. Journal, it doesn’t know what this development is about but based on its last conversation with Master and Mistress it suspects it has to do with its new potential sister slave nicole. it was actually surprised by what Mistress told it about her, that she was very excited about it and has volunteered to keep a journal even now and even if she couldn’t serve Master and Mistress fully as a slave she might serve as an online slave (this is a tangent journal, but it wonders how an online slave really serves? it sees online people talking about online BDSM and it wonders really how it works, it seems like it would be very difficult. initially it was very interested in serving Master and Mistress this way while it was still apart from Them, but again it doesn’t really know how the whole dynamic would work, and especially in a case where the whole thing was online and was only ever going to be online, it really doesn’t know how it could make itself submit in such a situation, but anyway..) and so it wonders if this new development has to do with how its sister slave is progressing? At any rate journal it is very excited to talk to Master and Mistress tomorrow and find out!

8-28-11

Journal, it has had an insane day. it woke up late for work and it was so tired and not really feeling well in the first part of the day that, if we lived in a cartoon world, it is sure everyone would have seen it walking around with a little tiny raincloud floating just above its head. it was just really down on itself and doubting itself and the future, but as always it found comfort in thinking about Master and Mistress, and paradoxically (or perhaps not so paradoxically) the worse it was feeling and the more negative self-talk it was having, the more intensely enjoyable and comforting the visions of being with Master and Mistress would become, which was nice except it began to realize that it might even have been using the one to get the other, and the last thing it needs to do is become more of a junkie for emotional roller coasters. Anyway, it also had a lot to do most likely with it stressing about not being able to do its affirmation in time since it wasn’t able to do it before work, but thankfully when it brought its problem to Mistress in Her wisdom She was able to guide it to what to do and that made it so happy, its night was better after that. it was also made much better shortly after that when its sister texted it from work. it understands now that sister’s job is quite boring and right now she has to work very difficult hours and so it was glad if it was able to be a bit of a comfort to sister. it thinks it would be terrible to have to be apart from Master and Mistress for the main part of the day so many days out of the week, and so it is really hoping that sister will get to move to a new site and have better hours, and we’ll all be able to spend more time together. it also felt bad because sister told it she misses it, and it misses her too, it feels bad because it doesn’t want to seem distant but it just doesn’t know what the schedule is at the house and also silence is expected of it so it kind of naturally just goes in this mode of waiting to be contacted rather than seeking contact, regardless of how badly it desires that contact. Anyway, then, just a short while ago it had a lovely phone call with Mistress. Unfortunately the news was about who it suspected it was but in the entirely opposite direction of what it expected, as she has decided not to serve Master and Mistress alongside us. its sad, but as it said to Mistress it is better to find out that its not right for you than to either not find out at all or to find out its not but already be stuck. As Mistress explained to it it really is the case that slaves are very special sorts of people who have needs that are different from other sorts and if you don’t have those needs it simply won’t work (which is kind of strange to it, seeing the world through its eyes it can’t imagine how everyone doesn’t have these feelings of needing to submit and be owned and serve and be protected, but then again at the same time it can’t really imagine that the opposite corresponding desires exist in Dominants since it completely can’t imagine what that would feel like, yet it knows they do, so it is mostly telling of a flaw in its understanding and, more importantly, that it indeed sees the world this way and so is in the place it belongs) Anyway apart from that Mistress and it just kind of talked a bit about whats coming up, She told it that most likely it will get the pleasure of helping Master and Mistress move into our new place, which will be very exciting, and also She generally comforted it that the time is really counting down. Really, even though it feels like time is crawling forward, it has moved so fast. it seems like just yesterday this was months and months and months ahead, and now…one month. Journal, just one month!