Destiny 8-22-11 - 8-28-11

8-22-11

Hello journal, it is especially glad to be writing in you today. it has just performed its affirmation and sent its journal to Master and Mistress, and these days always remind it of the importance of its journal. Really, it is such a wonderful outlet for it, it has discovered so many things about itself and its service to Master and Mistress through its journal that it would never have figured out on its own, that Master and Mistress command it to keep its journal is truly a wonderful gift. Looking back on earlier entries makes it almost cringe, it was so stilted and didn’t really understand, but now it flows so freely. it supposes it has a lot to do with the fact that, while it almost always has a ton of things it wants to say about things, it almost never knows how to go about saying them, even in everday life, as boring as that is, and so its experiences with Master and Mistress obviously cause many more thoughts and feelings to emerge within it, but whats so wonderful about it is that unlike in life living as a free person in this case there is a very specifically well defined protocol for it to express itself it can at last do so, since it has permission to and has been told how to act so it doesn’t have to always worry and make its own decisions about how to act. it thinks what its trying to get at is that the journal entries just kind of pour out kind of in the same way that dreams work, in that all during the day you are in the background processing your days events into symbolic relationships which all of a sudden burst forth during the dream, and in the same way because it is given the freedom to be able to act only as Master and Mistress decide and not have to worry so much about how it expresses itself, that all its interactions with Master and Mistress are therefore being processed in the background through its service and so when the time is right its like its already clear how it feels about what has happened. Anyway journal, it will not praise you overmuch journal lest you get cocky, and as it is waiting for Mistress’ reply it will say goodnight for now.

8-23-11

     Journal it has many things to tell you about today, so it will try to kind of go in order. Last night unfortunately it had its phone on silent and so did not hear Mistress’ call but was so glad to talk to Her and Master and sister when it got home. Mistress emailed it a new position ‘parade rest,’ which it finds very interesting although unlike the others the associated feeling with the position isn’t as clear. it supposes the notion being communicated is like inspection but a more expressive/showy way? it knows the title of the position is from a military posture and so isn’t really intended to convey an associated power exchange meaning but it is still curious as to how it should feel when it is told to go into this position, but again it is sure Master and Mistress will instruct it on this when the time comes. In the phone call last night Mistress also shared with it the absolutely beautiful collaring ceremony and slave’s statement which She wrote. Journal, what She wrote really is so wonderful, when it was reading it as Mistress sent it in our conversation it doesn’t know why but it was just overwhelmed, that Mistress was giving it these words which so perfectly express how it feels toward Master and Mistress, it was like She could see right to the center of its heart, and it made it cry, it was embarassed, it even hoped Mistress wouldn’t notice but of course She did and was very sweet to it as She always is. it was truly moving and it knows actually saying those words at the real moment of its collaring will probably be beyond anything it can imagine right now, but it so looks forward to it. Anyway onto today journal, not so much happened other than it performing its affirmation before it went to work, and also it was very happy that Mistress called to check on it when She heard about the earthquake (which was actually the first it had heard of it..) as it always makes it happy when it remembers how much Master and Mistress care for it.  

8-24-11

Journal, it has just gotten off the phone with Master and Mistress, and as always it had a very enjoyable conversation. it wishes it could hear better, it supposes part of the reason it hates phone calls is because it is slightly hard of hearing and the static of a phone and no visual cues makes it harder, but it still hates how often it has to ask to hear something again, like tonight Mistress addressed it and it didn’t hear its name at all, its ashamed because it knows it makes it look like its an inattentive slave when all it wants to do is give all of its attention to Master and Mistress. Mistress thought that it was doing something else, but the truth is that whenever Master and Mistress call it on the phone, depending on how it is able based on how its sitting, etc it always tries to kneel and cast its eyes down and be still, since that really helps it feel like Master and Mistress are right there with it when we’re talking, and that's such a huge comfort for it. But anyway despite all that it did have a lovely conversation with Master and Mistress, although it is very concerned about the difficulties Mistress seems to be having with Her work. it doesn’t really understand, and knows there isn’t anything it can do, but it just wishes it could be more of a comfort to Mistress at a difficult time, but it knows theres only so much that can be done at distance. Really, it wishes there were more ways it could serve Master and Mistress even now, but it knows that soon enough this will be remedied.

8-25-11

Today it worked all day, but Master and Mistress were at the very front of its mind all along, which really is its salvation. it performed its affirmation on its lunch break in its car, which it was actually extremely happy to do, it felt so satisfying that it was able to give up its entire free time in service to Master and Mistress, and since it is working all these extra shifts for the sole purpose of getting more money for its trip to be with Master and Mistress, that affirmation-tranquility stayed with it the rest of the night. Mistress told it that it was to call Her concerning a new development but unfortunately it had to wait until later in the night while it was out on a random fool’s errand for work, at which point Mistress was rather tipsy. Master talked to it initially and asked how it was doing, and it was so glad to talk to Him since it hasn’t got to since His birthday, but afterwards He gave the phone to Mistress despite her tipsiness. Hehe journal, it was actually awesome to talk to Mistress that way, She kept apologizing about it but it thought it was hilarious and made it feel close to Her. Honestly, since it has been serving Master and Mistress a lot of stuff has happened in all of our lives and sometimes it feels like things are a little staid over the phone (its sure it is the origin of this much more so than Master and Mistress, Who are lively regardless) and so it made it really glad to hear Mistress so happy and it made it relax a little too. Unfortunately what She had to talk about wasn’t all good news, as She had much more extreme difficulties with work today. it feels so sorry, it makes it so guilty that it can’t be there for Her at this time, it wishes it could do something for Her but it knows that it is serving Master and Mistress best by doing just as They instruct. But the other part of the news was good in that it appears that it will have a new but temporary sister slave, who is one of sister kajira’s good friends and who will be joining us to the convention in January (ConFursion, it thinks?) it had never thought about how one would be a slave just for a weekend, it would just be a totally different internal experience from a slave who is bound full time to that Master or Mistress, and honestly it doesn’t think it would be possible for it to do such a thing, it needs the long term commitment and trust building for anything to work. Although really it supposes its perspective on the whole thing is probably different from most, since the vast majority of subs only submit in play scenes, and even those that go full time have worked their way up from that stage, but it has never been involved in play and from the very beginning in its first experience in the lifestyle it has been in its role as slave to Master and Mistress, so perhaps its understandable that it can’t really see things any other way.

8-26-11

Journal it has little to report today. Again it was at work all day and again it thought about Master and Mistress almost the entire time. Whenever it is stressed out or really upset immediately the first thing it goes to is either imagining serving Master and Mistress or Master and Mistress punishing it, depending on whether it is in a kind of self-hate mode or not, and it is remarkable how instantly it makes it feel better and calms it and centers it, and sometimes even just thinking this way it is able to go into that magical place that Master and Mistress give it where all the stress and pain and sorrow are at once converted into bliss and ecstatically overpowering feelings of submission to Master and Mistress. it really is such a wonderful comfort for it, but again it supposes this is appropriate, that it would be comforted by centering itself in its own identity, which is a possesion and pet of Master and Mistress. Mistress also texted it briefly, again apologizing for what She didn’t remember from our conversation yesterday and hoping She hadn’t said anyhting silly, which it found to be very cute since Mistress is always such a delight to talk to and has never said anything hurtful to it and so it just shows how considerate and wise a Mistress She is to double check Herself so carefully even when She always acts so well to it and has nothing to worry about.

8-27-11

Journal it has little to report to you today, since again it was just at work most of the day and spent most of that time thinking about Master and Mistress and being glad that it was working not for itself but for Them and comforting itself with thoughts of Them, and since it has already hashed out how that kind of feels to it yesterday it will not belabor you again. Mistress has told it however that an even further new development has occurred and She will tell it about it tomorrow in the early afternoon when it calls Her. Journal, it doesn’t know what this development is about but based on its last conversation with Master and Mistress it suspects it has to do with its new potential sister slave nicole. it was actually surprised by what Mistress told it about her, that she was very excited about it and has volunteered to keep a journal even now and even if she couldn’t serve Master and Mistress fully as a slave she might serve as an online slave (this is a tangent journal, but it wonders how an online slave really serves? it sees online people talking about online BDSM and it wonders really how it works, it seems like it would be very difficult. initially it was very interested in serving Master and Mistress this way while it was still apart from Them, but again it doesn’t really know how the whole dynamic would work, and especially in a case where the whole thing was online and was only ever going to be online, it really doesn’t know how it could make itself submit in such a situation, but anyway..) and so it wonders if this new development has to do with how its sister slave is progressing? At any rate journal it is very excited to talk to Master and Mistress tomorrow and find out!

8-28-11

Journal, it has had an insane day. it woke up late for work and it was so tired and not really feeling well in the first part of the day that, if we lived in a cartoon world, it is sure everyone would have seen it walking around with a little tiny raincloud floating just above its head. it was just really down on itself and doubting itself and the future, but as always it found comfort in thinking about Master and Mistress, and paradoxically (or perhaps not so paradoxically) the worse it was feeling and the more negative self-talk it was having, the more intensely enjoyable and comforting the visions of being with Master and Mistress would become, which was nice except it began to realize that it might even have been using the one to get the other, and the last thing it needs to do is become more of a junkie for emotional roller coasters. Anyway, it also had a lot to do most likely with it stressing about not being able to do its affirmation in time since it wasn’t able to do it before work, but thankfully when it brought its problem to Mistress in Her wisdom She was able to guide it to what to do and that made it so happy, its night was better after that. it was also made much better shortly after that when its sister texted it from work. it understands now that sister’s job is quite boring and right now she has to work very difficult hours and so it was glad if it was able to be a bit of a comfort to sister. it thinks it would be terrible to have to be apart from Master and Mistress for the main part of the day so many days out of the week, and so it is really hoping that sister will get to move to a new site and have better hours, and we’ll all be able to spend more time together. it also felt bad because sister told it she misses it, and it misses her too, it feels bad because it doesn’t want to seem distant but it just doesn’t know what the schedule is at the house and also silence is expected of it so it kind of naturally just goes in this mode of waiting to be contacted rather than seeking contact, regardless of how badly it desires that contact. Anyway, then, just a short while ago it had a lovely phone call with Mistress. Unfortunately the news was about who it suspected it was but in the entirely opposite direction of what it expected, as she has decided not to serve Master and Mistress alongside us. its sad, but as it said to Mistress it is better to find out that its not right for you than to either not find out at all or to find out its not but already be stuck. As Mistress explained to it it really is the case that slaves are very special sorts of people who have needs that are different from other sorts and if you don’t have those needs it simply won’t work (which is kind of strange to it, seeing the world through its eyes it can’t imagine how everyone doesn’t have these feelings of needing to submit and be owned and serve and be protected, but then again at the same time it can’t really imagine that the opposite corresponding desires exist in Dominants since it completely can’t imagine what that would feel like, yet it knows they do, so it is mostly telling of a flaw in its understanding and, more importantly, that it indeed sees the world this way and so is in the place it belongs) Anyway apart from that Mistress and it just kind of talked a bit about whats coming up, She told it that most likely it will get the pleasure of helping Master and Mistress move into our new place, which will be very exciting, and also She generally comforted it that the time is really counting down. Really, even though it feels like time is crawling forward, it has moved so fast. it seems like just yesterday this was months and months and months ahead, and now…one month. Journal, just one month!