6-27-11
slave had a good but mostly uneventful day today. it has little patience for taking care of small errands like it spent much of the day doing, but they were easier than usual. it imagines doing the same sort of things for Master and Mistress, and thinks it would not only be easier but actually a joy to do. it thought about this fact most of the time it was out and tried to make it think of its tasks as not being done for it but for Master and Mistress, and that made them easier. it really wishes it understood this feeling, as it seems to be at the root of its desire to submit, that it is only able to find value in things, in its thoughts or behaviors, when they are for someone else, like Master and Mistress, that suddenly when someone other than itself is the purpose to its activities they suddenly have perfect meaning and are joyous and make it want to give more and more of itself, it feels like it is in the place it belongs, yet when all it has to reference for its activities, thoughts, and existence is its own self, everything seems…meaningless, colorless, purposeless, and it doesn’t want to do anything but slump further into inaction and self-deprecation. This nuance of its psychology really disturbs it, but also pleases it immensely…again, it just really wishes it understood it. it digresses… it was pleased that it was able to impress Master and Mistress by remembering to turn in its journal. it also very much enjoyed its conversation with Master and Mistress, even though it was terribly embarassed when Mistress called it out to explain about the song it mentioned. it also very much enjoyed listening to the song Master and Mistress played for it, it really wants to know more about Master and Mistress so it can serve better. This may be an incorrect way to think, since Master and Mistress obviously have the right to decide what it is aware of and it certainly has no right to pry. it would help it understand and justify the feelings that are developing in it, though. Before it stops rambling, it will comment on one more thought that occurred to it when Mistress lectured it about its degree of openness in its journal. it is aware that it is supposed to be vulnerable, but it is very afraid, it has to actively force itself to let down its defenses and be completely honest. Yet, it is such a supremely fulfilling feeling when it does so. it really makes it wonder, especially in reference to the things it was thinking earlier today. its psychology, particularly with reference to D/s-M/s, but perhaps in general, seems to hinge on this point, that the thing it is absolutely most afraid of is it actually being for-real-honestly exposed completely bare before someone else, and yet it also desires it more than anything as well. To be completely helpless and vulnerable before someone else, on a mental and emotional level even beyond a physical level, is the most terrifying thing it can imagine, but also the deepest, most complete satisfaction and abiding joy it has ever felt. Paradox, loop out to infinity.
6-28-11
it is writing before its affirmation because it wants to let go of these thoughts and be able to be at peace as it focuses on Master and Mistress. it has worked itself into a tizzy like it seems to have a tendency to do, letting its thoughts run around it circles so much that they really lead it around in useless circles. it wants to let go and simply be in the flow, like the traditional meaning of ‘islam’ and the ‘93 current’ or, more appropriately, to simply be able to let go of its will and genuinely submit. it wishes it understood these feelings, but like it said in the previous entry, it seems impossible as they are almost all founded in paradoxes. To make clear what it is referring to, doesn’t know how to respond to the fact that, while it has been happier and felt more whole in being Owned by Master and Mistress than it has since it can remember, that this has given it a tremendous burst of energy and liveliness, at the same times periodically its stomach will turn, or it will burst into panicked fits of crying. it just doesn’t know if it really is a slave. it knows it wants to be a slave, it knows the feelings it gets from being a slave and serving are incredibly wonderful and satisfying in ways it didn’t even know it needed to be satisfied, but nowhere in its self image, at least yet, is the perception of itself as a slave. Servile, eager to please, yearning to be owned, submissive, of course, all to the marrow, but…everyone online who talks about being a slave seems to have known for ages deep inside that that’s what they were, but it has never thought in those terms. Maybe, especially since it grew up in an area where there is still so much bigotry that it has developed negative connotations for the term, and this is what it is viscerally responding to? There is something so wonderful about finally accepting for itself that it needs to submit, that it needs to hand over its life to someone else’s care because it does not know how to direct itself (and finally accepting that it had these desires, which suprisingly was actually a lot more difficult even than admitting to itself that it is female, is probably the most recent revelation in its consciousness and which directly lead to it going on CM and nearly immediately being acquired by Master and Mistress, which, like it has said, has been as a wonderful dream for it) and accepting these desires gives it a tremendous boost in confidence, and also makes it question and doubt everything, especially about itself and its value. It at once completely terrifies it, the feeling of having no control whatsoever and, like, being suspended in space above an endless abyss only by the grace of Master and Mistress, and at the same time it makes it absolutely fearless, like it could conquer the world. Again, so many paradoxes, so many contradictions, maybe its brain is just giving under the weight of trying to process rationally it’s self-contradictory nature, which transcends reason, and this is just manifesting itself as fits of various natures. It does not matter. More than anything, it wants to give all of this up, all of even this attempt to take control of itself, it wants to give them over to Master and Mistress. it truly, deeply, completely needs to submit. it does not need any other thought or any other behavior but to submit. it is clearer now, it will go into the affirmation.
6-29-11
it has so much it needs to say about today. its head is almost spinning, things are so wonderful. it has been in contact with Master and Mistress almost all day, which is really nice, and it has been learning so much thanks to the articles Master and Mistress gave it. Where to start? Last night, almost as if She could read my mind and my desires, Mistress asked it about its chastity, and She was pleased with it and so gave it permission to come. it was very wonderful, in fact it was a lot more intense than usual, it guesses from it being so long, and it having had so many exciting things to fantasize about. it probably sounds redundant, but it was just incredible, it felt like Master and Mistress were right there with it, watching it, opening it up. Even though it got off really well (and that thing happened again) it still feels like it wants Master and Mistress very badly. it was glad it was able to answer the questions Mistress asked it about it very clearly and show that it's not really embarrassed or prudish, even if it sometimes comes off that way. Really, it wishes it had more chances to demonstrate how really sexual a being it is to Master and Mistress, but it's difficult since They have not shown Their sexuality to it. Anyway, it also wishes it knew more of what to say to Master and Mistress. it felt bad when it didnt know what questions to ask. it doesn't want Master and Mistress to think it is not interested in them, as that's the farthest thing from the truth, but it's difficult for it to ever know what to say. Even in ordinary life it's always asking other people what they would like to talk about or what they want to hear it say, it wants to say things to please people rather than just hear it's own voice, so it never knows where to start in with anything. it's really difficult for it to assert itself or be forward at all, and especially before people as exquisitely Dominant as Master and Mistress. Still, it knows this is an obstacle to be overcome. Moving on, it is also learning an incredible amount from all the articles Master and Mistress have given it. It is really helping it develop a perspective on it's situation and helping it know things it would've never figured out on it's own. They are also very exciting to read, it really desperately wants to experience these things with Master and Mistress. its all so much to process, it is like it said a very heady feeling, but it doesn't feel so much off balance as before but exhilarated. it thinks a part of that, at least at this particular moment, is also having just found out that it is going to be able to have video chat with Master and Mistress tomorrow. it really doesn't know what to expect except to know that this will give both it and Master and Mistress an entirely new level of clarity about each other. it is very nervous and...incredibly excited.
6-30-11
slave has just seen Master and Mistress for the first time. it's amazing, before it would imagine Master and Mistress when They spoke to it or it was fantasizing about them, and with really only one picture to go off it had a vague idea but They were like, half in shadow, it couldn't see Their faces. Now it can imagine Them completely having seen Them, and it's wonderful. Almost as soon as Master and Mistress began talking to it there was a moment where it got cold chills, from suddenly seeing itself and what was happening to it objectively and as really actually happening in that moment, almost at once the negative aspect dreamlike feeling it has been lamenting disappeared and was replaced with this incredibly exciting, and grounding feeling of reality and tangibility. it actually feels so safe, so in it's proper place now. Master and Mistress have given it such an incredible gift in this, in the blessing of owning it, in everything. it wants to serve Them so desperately in order to express this deep gratitude and peace it now feels welling up within it. it will leave the feelings flowing through it now at rest without drowning them in words. The point is it really feels like a new page, a new chapter is beginning, in everything. it can't wait to see Master and Mistress again.
7-1-11
slave did not have much contact with Master and Mistress today, other than letting Mistress know that we will have plenty of time for future video chats (a fact it is very happy about) but driving around all day has given it a bit of a chance to reflect on the events this week (as if it ever needs and excuse to be exhaustively introspective.) Seeing Master and Mistress on video really has opened up a seemingly entirely new level for it. it has been lamenting that the entire M/s relationship is more difficult to maintain at distance since, for example, there are times the slave is away from Master and Mistress, which draws it out of sub space (used loosely, not in the technical sense), Master and Mistress aren’t able to directly punish it, preventing the whole cathartic emotional response cycle from taking place in full, etc. and it has been wondering if this has been making its connection with Master and Mistress more difficult to form. it certainly felt like this huge system of emotions and behaviors that it has been building up and has been taught has been forming at a tremendous rate, but it kind of seemed to be floating in space, and it was concerned that there was no way to ‘ground’ it because of concerns about the separation like it mentioned. However, these fears have almost entirely been put to rest by actually seeing Master and Mistress. As it has alluded to just now and in last night’s entry, this grounding effect has given a focus and direction for these feelings and behaviors, and even though it knew it was real and fully assented to its relationship with Master and Mistress before, it was almost on an intellectual level, and now it is so relieved that it has moved to this visceral, tangible level. it really can’t wait for more deep contact with Master and Mistress like this.
7-2-11
it is rather upset at itself, so it will not write much. it is always focusing on an insignificant detail and failing to see the bigger picture, and it always suffers for it. First, it will document some thoughts it was having earlier today before it explains tonight. Last night, it had a very strange vision as it was in the hypnologic state between wakefulness and sleep. it will not go into too much detail about it, but it is pertinent to its slavery and so it must document it. it was not under its control, like a daydream or a fantasy, but appeared to it automatically independent of its mind, like a true dream or real life. There was a rather thick pane of glass extending as a plane in all directions in front of it, and hovering over the purplish glass was a heavy mist. it saw itself standing in front of itself, looking itself proudly in the eye, adorned in its magickal ritual garments, with a haughty expression. The visualization was very clear as its usually are. As the images clarified its viewer point (not the self it was seeing in the vision) pulled back and it saw that there were two other figures standing in front of it, looking in the same direction it (the one standing in the dream, not my point of view.) On the left side (from it, the viewer’s perspective) was also itself, but older, with bared fangs and a wry smile and beautifully dressed in the emerald and amethyst shades of the Magess of Thmaist, not the robe of the Neophyte the first self was wearing [for the sake of Master and Mistress’ understanding, essentially the symbolic garments worn in ritual by a magickal initiate at the end and beginning of the spiritual path, respectively] the other figure, naked and weeping and kneeling on the glass ground, was another itself, fear wide in its eyes, with a huge scarlet collar as broad as the length of its neck. After it sort of absorbed and appreciated the image, it saw the Magess-self walk over and roughly grab the slave-self by the collar and drag it forward, wailing and thrashing, more towards the center of the field, while the magickian-self stood looking on with an utterly dispassionate gaze (it is funny how, in trying to explain this quickly it has gone on a huge tangent, and how in trying to come up with words to describe what it saw, it has almost figured out the dream/vision’s meaning.) In a loud and angry voice the Magess-self began reciting a huge litany of faults, weaknesses, degeneracies and failures of the slave-self in cruel and bitingly accurate terms, enumerating at length how utterly unfit and worthless this vessel was to receive spiritual gifts or even sustain its own life. As at this point it was actually mostly asleep or in a hypnagogic trance, it began to ‘feel’ the dream and almost felt itself crying, it began to identify more and more with the slave-self as the insults and curses continued to be shouted. When the slave-self began to bawl almost uncontrollably, even over the loud declarations of the Magess-self, and beating its fists against the glass floor, that its point of position shifted to the neutral-self, and it felt itself become calm and almost disconnected from the whole scene. it saw the slave-self and the Magess-self from behind, and it saw, on the other side of a smooth, fogless area of glass, a whole other field of glass covered in green fog, and two figures silhouetted standing right across from the slave-self and Magess-self. it realized They were who the Magess-self was speaking to. Magess-self kept talking, but the tone of its litany changed. it began describing how because this vessel was so useless to it and it had so utterly failed to complete the task assigned to it or even perform the simpler task of maintaining its own well-being and happiness, it was no longer to be entrusted to itself or to the Magess but to these other figures across the way. it doesn’t remember what was exactly said except that it felt like it was soaring and swooning from the words. it then fell into dreamless sleep, but, upon awakening, knew of course who the figures were, and more or less what the dream was saying. It digresses from this. Much more important for it to burn upon its memory is its failure to Master and Mistress tonight. it did not know the protocol for its behavior, since this was the first time it video chatted with Master and Mistress without having proper time to prepare before. it sees how inconsiderate and un-respectful its behavior was -- it truly has no right to deny Master and Mistress any sort of access to it, regardless of its condition, because its condition is not its own condition but a condition of a thing They own. it will endeavor to never make this mistake again (although, having talked about all of this has made it feel much better than when it started out…perhaps Master and Mistress praising it for its ideas also had something to do with boosting its spirits.)
7-3-11
slave is very, very happy right now. Master and Mistress have made it happy. it is angry at itself for failing to realize what was going on as it was happening, or perhaps being too overwhelmed to see clearly, but it realizes now that Master and Mistress were trying to be really nice to it tonight. It is actually absolutely ecstatic, things are going so wonderfully. Master and Mistress even bought clothes for it (who has ever done that? except its parents obviously, but that was so long ago, when it realized that was why Mistress was showing it the clothes it got so very excited) and Master asked it about what kind of lingerie it likes, (like, of course one of its favorite things!) and like always it can do nothing but fumble over its own tongue, but at least it hopes it will be able to make up for it and show Master its tastes with the links it sent. it wishes it hadn’t screwed up so much in responding to the question about what it likes sexually. its concerned that Master and Mistress are going to think it frigid or innocent, but it was just nervous and so surprised by the question. Really, it is almost afraid to reveal to Master and Mistress the intensity of its sexuality, as everyone it has ever shown those really intimate feelings of its have not been so kind to it. It is almost ashamed of how much it loves sex, how practically all it can think about is sex, how, especially since hormones, it has been in a seemingly constant state of arousal (in kind of a warm, pleasant, deeply satisfying way, unlike the needy, fit-like “male” arousal from before) it is embarrassed even to continue this line of discourse since it knows Master and Mistress will read this (even though it knows this is an incorrect way to think) but it merely wants to make clear even just to itself that the reason it did not know what to say in response to this was not because it had nothing to say but because it had no idea where to start. it loves to talk about sex, it is probably its favorite thing to talk about and it is really proud of how unembarrassed and open it can be about it when someone gives it an ‘in.’ Honestly, it feels like it can express itself more honestly and openly through its sexuality than any other form of communication (which has actually got it into trouble more than once.) it even likes its religion in large part because its essentially a sex cult. it could go on and on about this it supposes, but it will digress. Much more important than this, and what is sending its head spinning even now, is the wonderful things Mistress said to it just before we signed off. it does not feel like it is exaggerating when it says it has never felt so suddenly warm and over-flowing with joy from so simple a statement, but it realized, when Master and Mistress said to it that They were proud of it and it was a good slave, that nothing else in the universe could matter so much as that, as being a good slave for Master and Mistress. it wants to hold the flavor of those words in its mouth forever. All of this has been absolutely worth it, would have been worth it for nothing else but to hear those words. Maybe just that thought itself is telling it something, that it is on the right path. This is where it belongs.