6-13-11
slave does not know how to begin writing its slave journal. it must admit it is very aware of how vulnerable writing this makes it on a mental and emotional level to Master and Mistress, and though it is afraid of being seen so intimately, it also knows that Master and Mistress will use its journal to guide it in serving Them, and understand it, so it is very happy to write it. it is unsure exactly how it is to write in its journal, but it will do its best to document its thoughts and feelings relating to its slavery, and any interactions or punishments it has with Master and Mistress. it hopes through its journal it may serve its own understanding of itself and serve the will of Master and Mistress._
it does not know what to say regarding the events of tonight, except that it was very happy when Mistress spoke to it on the phone, and also very much enjoyed going over the contract with Her. it felt very bad about not being properly rested for its discussion with Mistress about the contract, and feels like it took too much of Her time, but is glad that everything is ready now. it was deeply upset and panicky when it confessed to Mistress its own fears about its potential failings, and Mistress made it very happy in comforting it and putting its fears to rest. it also very much enjoyed the quote Mistress sent it, as it is also a Dune fan, and really appreciates what it thinks Mistress is trying to tell it. it hopes it can be transformed through transcending its fear.
6-14-11
Even though it was very tired, and Mistress commanded it to get some sleep, it slept very restlessly. it would wake up in a daze to racing thoughts and then seemlessly lull back into sleep, the worries weaving into the dream. Master and Mistress were part of the dream it remembers best, the one just before it woke up. Master and Mistress must excuse it for the strangeness of its dreams. it was walking down a very long narrow valley, not unlike the one on its long drive home, which was littered with small houses and trailers which themselves were full of objects it remembers from its childhood. it was meticulously going through them, collecting things it knew it was going to need for where it was going, which, without it being a part of the dream but rather the subconscious ‘backstory’ which was already present in its dream-character’s mind before the dream even began, it knew was going to serve Master & Mistress. In particular it knew it was trying to find something or someone important down this very long valley which seemed to stretch into the past, that it knew was very important for it to have with it and it knew it was supposed to present to Them, but it could not figure it out. The dream ended very abruptly when it entered one of the houses and, looking upstairs, it saw a blue light emanating from a bedroom and realized that someone else was there, suddenly it got very excited and was about to call out to them, but then it heard a very low and gravelly voice from behind it say ‘hello’ and it was completely paralyzed with fear and could not run or fight and then the dream dematerialized. it woke up from the dream before daylight and was very upset, it began pacing about its room and crying. Thinking back, it realizes its level of stress and worry was probably just a further manifestation of the insomnia. Still, it felt very upset and overwhelmed by everything that was happening to it, like it was all happening much too fast and was too much for it to adjust to, it felt like it wanted everything to stop. Eventually, it was able to calm itself down enough to fall asleep again, and was much happier when it was awokened by Mistress asking how it slept. it was also very happy that She instructed it to relax, it makes it feel very happy to think that She is concerned about it and wants it to stay well. it is really remarkable, that even though it knew it should have let itself relax, that in any event that was what was best for it, it is like it did not want what was best for it but wanted to keep hurting itself, yet when it became a command from Mistress for it to take care of itself, suddenly it is absolutely right and what it is supposed to do, and feels no resistence from itself in doing it. Throughout the day it has been trying to think about its situation, and realizes a lot of its initial negative response may have been due to merely being taken by suprise by Master and Mistress’ interest in it, and being so concerned that it worked itself into a frenzy which eventually became self destructive. it is much more at peace now, it even felt like kneeling and doing its affirmation was a very calming and centering thing for it to do, and feels like it has gained some prespective to be able to think through its decision more rationally.
6-15-11_
Apart from doing its affirmation, which it finds quite easy and natural to do now, the most remarkable thing it has to write about is a discussion it had with its roommate John the night before. As it has written before, it was very concerned about what the proper course of action was for it to take regarding whether or not to serve Master and Mistress. it knew that it deeply desires to do so, that it seems like the perfectly right thing for it to do, but it also had a very hard time opening up to the idea. To it it seemed like it was impossible and unreal, especially since it had been planning to have a much longer and more difficult struggle to get to the sort of physical and emotional space it wanted to be in, and when the doorway suddenly and unexpectedly opened before it, it instinctively recoiled, most likely learned from all the other times in its life when good things or even nice possibilities vanished like mirages in front of it. But when it talked with John about what was on its mind, about the possibility that was being presented to it, first it noticed how much happier it felt just to say the words, how much it enjoyed describing itself as it to its friend, and how proud it was to say that Master and Mistress even considered owning it. Yet, it thought its friend would be shocked by the idea and advise it against it, saying it was too soon, or too far off course from its original plan, or too dangerous or too unknown. So it was very happy when its friend encouraged it and said that he thought it was a very good idea and that it should jump at the opportunity, that it could really be good for it on so many levels. Just having him say that almost completely transformed it from seeming dreamlike to seeming real, and from seeming like a side-road on the path to seeming to be meant for it and actually the way that it is best to go. it has been very happy today, and while it definitely still feels like all of this is sinking in quite slowly, it was overjoyed to think that this new doorway that has opened up for it won’t suddenly vanish like a phantasm, but is a real and realistic possibility for it.
6-16-11
it had an interesting day. Master and Mistress are still the main things on its mind, and not at all from forcing itself. It feels so natural with Master and Mistress. it visited a friend and mentioned the possibility that it was leaving to go to California much sooner than it thought, and it made it feel appreciated when its friend expressed distress about it suddenly leaving. Still, talking about it made the idea seem even more real to it, and again it noticed how proud it felt of its potential relationship with Master and Mistress. While it is still trying to keep an open mind and weight its options evenly, it is beginning to notice that it is only forcing itself to articulate the points of one side of the decision with itself, and that the other seems to come naturally and have the weight of its emotions behind it. it has also been pleased to obverse that it is beginning to refer to itself, in its own head, as ‘it’, instinctively, even when not necessarily thinking about Master and Mistress, and even when in a completely casual setting or when thinking about its magickal work, and this pleases it very much.When it got home, because Master and Mistress were so expressly on its mind, it began looking very carefully over the rules and began to develop mental mnemonics to try and remember every section of the rules, although it knows learning it word for word will take a lot more time. Again, it was also pleased to note how much it enjoyed performing its affirmation, how peaceful the thought of being owned by Master and Mistress makes it.
6-17-11
Last night, it watched a movie with its roommate that, unbeknownst to either of them when they were selecting it, had very strong BDSM and especially M/s elements. It is a very good movie and slave recommends it, ‘Singapore Sling,’ it was especially drawn to the relationship with the main character and the ‘mother’ -- who, apparently in the film, is TS -- who she, the main character, serves as a slave and helps her in all her nefarious deeds. it was especially attracted to and emotionally moved by the very powerful relationship between these two, and how longingly and lovingly, even in the middle of debauchery, these two looked at each other. Both its roommate and it thought it quite remarkable that we watched the movie at a time seemingly so relevant to whats going on in its life, and indeed it stirred up powerful and very positive feelings for it. So today even though it was at work all day it was in a very very good mood, thinking about Master and Mistress. it was bizarre, even standing in the back in the hot kitchen in its restaurant it felt such peace and happiness and excitement about what is suddenly happening in its life that it felt energy flowing up through it, felt almost like it was orgasming just standing there. And then, when it got off work early, Master called it almost as soon as it walked out the door and this made it even happier. it very much enjoyed talking to Master and letting Him know how close it is to making a decision. Really, when it noticed how absolutely giddy it became just to know that Master and Mistress were thinking of it, that internally it has already made its decision. it is concerned, however. it knows that these journal entries are supposed to record its thoughts and feelings exactly accurately, but since it knows Master and Mistress will read it, it is strange, it is difficult to tell if it is speaking to itself or speaking to Master and Mistress. it should seek more guidance as to its journal, but hopefully the feedback it gets from this first time will clarify things.
6-18-11
Again, all day it was thinking about Master and Mistress. it realizes how much of an exaggeration this may sound like, but truly nothing else nearly so deserving of its attention has even entered its mind. Trying to make its decision has caused it to give a lot of thought to its submissive feelings in general. it is realizing that perhaps a lot of its earlier negative reaction was due to merely exhaustion from its mind adjusting to a new mode, in the sense that while before it had submissive feelings or moments of acting in a submissive way, that for the first time it was asking itself, expecting itself and it was also required of it, that it enter a submissive state of consciousness continuously. now that it has adjusted to it, it cannot help but note how absurdly happy it has been this week, no longer running from its own desire to serve and be submissive, with an actual real plan of action ahead of it, and blessing of potentially being owned by a wonderful Master and Mistress. As it was kneeling in its affirmation it realized how satisfying all this is to it on a very deep, primitive level, and that…its not sure, it is difficult to describe. Other Doms and such have been trying to get its attention on CM, but…they just don’t matter to it_. With other people, it has always felt like it had to make itself submit, but with Master and Mistress, submitting is completely natural, instead of it being something it chooses to perform through its actions, it comes without a thought at all from a very deep place inside of it. it has felt it once before, but it wonders what it is in particular that causes this.
6-19-11
it feels bad that it does not have much to say for this entry, since it has performed its affirmation and is writing this entry early in the day because family will be taking up most of its time later, but it still has a few thoughts that popped up while it was at work last night that it feels it should document. While the possibility of serving Master and Mistress is becoming more and more real to it, it still cannot get over this feeling that it is walking around in a daze, that all of this is a dream it is about to wake up from, or that somehow it is just lost in its own fantasy of what it wants and is not accurately imagining what is actually happening to it. it does not know what to do with these thoughts. In all honesty, it misses Master and Mistress, and looks forward to having more in-depth contact with them again. Really, it is almost ashamed of how close it feels to Master and Mistress already, even though it knows very little about them. it supposes that knowing is not required of it, it is only required to submit, but still the thought bothers it. On the plus side, it is still flowing almost effortlessly in this sort of ecstatic state. it feels itself beginning to naturally make reference in every thought not to itself, but to the desires of Master and Mistress. it is becoming aware, or perhaps reminded, of the unimaginable pleasure it gets when all its actions and thoughts are focused solely on serving its Master and Mistress. Honestly, it desires to have further opportunities to demonstrate its obedience to Master and Mistress, but again, it must remember that this is dependent on Their desires, not its. Still, it very much looks forward to talking to Master and Mistress about its contract…it realizes how much it has already decided things. it will be hard to explain the uncanny smile on its face to its family, and even harder, its sure, to not mention to them at the very least that it has met some people who make it very happy.