Aurora March 10, 2012

i got a performance review today and it went alright.  its not my first I get one with every supervisor because i don't do it their way. i spent most of the shift in training. it's 4:32 am and might get to take my first call soon. My SSD drive is almost full and i still need to find a copy of office to install. Plus i need to find a way to get the data off one of my external drives as i think its about to die if its not dead already. This PC is stable and fast. But i do want to get my other PC back up and running so i can have access to the data on it.    

Aurora March 9, 2012

Ever since i woke up today i have felt more alone then normal and i found out my Mistress likes being alone or at least does not dislike it. i know i am property to her and its my place but i would be healthier if i had someone that loved me and wanted to be around me. Don't get me wrong i love to serve others and be there for them.my life down there won't be like it is here where i get to play swtor when i am feeling alone or need it to take my mind off being alone. i know i am giving up my right to speak to others when i want to. i don't even know if i will ever be used sexually by her or any one else. i know there are cuter and more sexually appealing people to her that she has access to.

Aurora March 8, 2012

i went to bed last night early guessing 7:30pm i honestly don't remember...i had an a very long dream last night about the living dead and how i would react to it.i was scared and alone.and it felt like a whole and night in the dream.this is what i remember about the dream...i woke and i was in a town but not one i have been in before.no one was around and i got on my PC and the power was off and didn't know why...went looking though the apartment for signs of power but everything was dead...i went looking for food but there was none and that felt strange cause i remember getting some..so i went out side and no cars was going by..even stranger...and started wondering if i had been sleep for more then a day..felt my face and no hair..OK..must only be a day...made it to the local mini mall..no one around..OK i started to get scared...i saw damage to buildings and cars..and no bodies alive or dead..i managed to find some can goods and took them back to where i woke up at...and when i got back there i saw my SUV with all of my stuff in it...thought to my self i don't remember moving...or packing...what's going on Jen...wake up this has to be a dream...could not awake myself...this must be really happening ...oh shit...so i went inside and lock up the place as best i could since i had no idea what was going on..and as night fall came i started hearing things and looked out the windows and thought i saw movement but i could not see anything...i opened the front door and it was hard to see with no lights or moonlight...but i knew for sure something was out there coming closer to me... i ran back inside and slammed the door shut...made sure the door was locked and blocked by objects..i put towels over the windows to block anything from seeing in...in the oven i turned it into a fire place and had a small fire to see by and keep me warm...then at the back door i heard someone knocking and quietly screaming to be let in...i moved over to a window and look out and saw someone...so i let her in..but before i could see who it was i woke up shaking...it was a dream....Then i started thinking about the living dead and how once the living dead was stopped how life would rebuild its self. well the good news would be electric cars would be the easiest thing to build as it does not take much these days to make electricity. we would all be healthy again because food would go back to being completely natural. i think life would become a lot like the age before cars and planes...we would have electricity and water, but gas once used up would be gone for a long time, most likely there would be no one left that knew how to make it. i hate to say it but there would also be nobody with any major disabilities left, in many ways this might be the best thing for man kind and mother earth.

Aurora March 7, 2012

early in the morning it snowed and it was nice to see it. i got some much need rest and when i got up i took my roommate to the doctor. When i got back i washed my face and cleaned my room.After that i played SWTOR on my main and got it to 38. Then i started looking at different guilds and who was on. The only guild that has people on during the day to evening hours is ToR: Guild Black Rose Society so i started a bounty hunter there and got her to 10th level. Then I took a nap till i started my shift at work.Work has been quite.

Aurora March 6, 2012

i had a bad night at work cause i got a ticket from another tech and he messed it up, and So i get chewed out for there being so much time on the ticket and when i found a way to get the PC to boot up to normal mode i got chewed out for the way i did it. it took me 2 mins to fix the problem. the way i should have done it would have take 15 mins and might not have booted to normal mode on the first try or second. my way was to get it to normal mode and then back track by adding one program at a time to start up. and there way i need to take notes of every file i disable or enable as i go along. me i would fix and then write what the cause  was. Most likely the guru person i am working with will write me up and since i am on probation i may get fired over this. If i do it there way i have a really long ticket time and get written up. if i do it my way i get written up for not doing it there way if i seek help. i over ate a little tonight or at least i think did. i had 5 corn dogs and 1 can of chili while i was working. i am also worried about my PC not lasting till i get a replacement. we was not able to fix the computer problem and i had to spend my break explaining and defending myself to a supervisor to try and a void getting fired. i am feeling very stressed right now. I made a txt and copied the chat with the supervisor and Tl to it.

March 6, 2012

it is nervous. it has it's appointment today. it has much catching up to do. it is a jumble of nerves.

Aurora March 5, 2012

i feel empty inside for some reason. i almost feel like crying and all i can say is that i need something as simple as a hug. i thought i would get to play with my Mistress today but i am sure she found something to do. awaking up alone and being alone all day is damaging to her soul and heart.

Continued Journal
 i got to play with my Mistress today and it was very relaxing and fun.i am starting to get attached to her and been thinking about my life with her. i finished watching Battlestar tonight and now i can't stop crying. Why do i do this to myself. i worked a lot of tickets tonight but i also got to work on my trade skill in SWTOR. Staying busy keeps me awake and focus. i just got done with my affirmation and thought i would add more here. my shift got busy the last 2 hours and i feel good. i must admit i am not looking forward to being naked in front of people i don't know but if it makes my Mistress happy then it will make me happy. it will be nice to see my grandma again and get to spend time with her. i have been looking at my nails and wish i could have them longer but it would make typing harder, but i really love having longer nails. Well i am off to bed in a few mins after i write a few hundred  words for my punishment

March 5, 2012

Hmmm, it does not have much to say... it's chest still hurts from coughing and the acid flare up, but... it is happy that the burning sensations are gone, and that the chemical burn effect will heal in a day or two. it is also glad that it has communicated with Mistress more today... it likes getting back to that.

Aurora March 4, 2012

 Today i only got about 4.5 hours of sleep and my neck and shoulder are in pain. Part of it is because of the lack of sleep and i must have slept on it wrong. My first customer at work has no idea what her computer power button is or where its located. EYES rolling..Mistress and i went though both the rules and contract today. After that we played SWTOR till about 9 pm then i took a nap before work. its 12:41 am and i'm starting to feel a bit tired. i can tell that I will sleep good today. i am excited and scared at the same about meeting Mistress. i know her no way and when i meet her in person she will be a different person to me. i have been
thinking about getting a better corset for long term wear to train my waist and help control how much i eat. i have done a fair amount of research in this area and it has lead me to someone who makes custom corsets and she is asking what i feel are the right questions to help me get what i need in a corset. She even ask since she notice i listed as a slave " One last thing- I hope you don't mind me being presumptuous, but I noticed you were a slave- Do you want to ask your owner if they think you should have a locking corset belt? "

March 4, 2012

Hrmm... it just got a very heartfelt email from Mistress. And it feels very badly, it does not intend to hurt Her in any way. it sees a therapist because this is the only way it can deal with certain things -with a trained medical professional. it cannot explain why it does or feels all the things it does... it is very complex, and it only frustrates people who try to make sense of it. it does not intend this.

it will make a point to communicate better moving forward... it is still dealing with its issues until its appt Tuesday, and it spent most of today trying to stop coughing up blood... acid reflux went into overdrive last night and its throat feels like someone filleted it down the middle. it seriously wishes there were a longer term solution to fix this... bit it doesn't know of one. Ugh. God that hurt, and it is SO very tired from lack of sleep and disappointment. it feels hollow and sick and somewhat useless right now... it knows that Tuesday will make that better ^_^