Saturday, March 17, 2012

Aurora March 17, 2012

tonight my eyes are really bugging me. Cloudy and dry. and my neck and back are hurting bad. but other then that its been a good night.

Intresting

I have released my male slave...Unfortunately he did not work out!! He will be missed!

Friday, March 16, 2012

Aurora March 16, 2012

Last night was a nice surprise. i got invited to hang out with a friend and we talk about family and life all night long and in fact i just got home. She has all kinds of medical problem but she seems to have them under control. We hung out at a strip club and not a single girl dancing has bigger then an A cup. that was really surprising. That lasted about 30 mins and then we to a coffee shop and hung out where we could talk and then went to apple bee's till near closing and then talk out by the car for another  hour or so. Now off to bed.

March 16, 2012

it is NOT missing this blog lol. it just got out of the shower from a very extensive cleaning, which feels very good. it kind of wants to plug itself, but it will not do so without permission or instructions from Mistress. it also wonders if Mistress has still left the key out so that it might simply sleep there waiting for Her in bed when She comes home. it is conflicted in the fact that it looks forward to seeing Her, but also fears Mistress the longer it goes without seeing Her... it is very worried about it's impending punishment. Very very worried. But it also looks forward to the future with Her, sleeping in bondage for Her, waking up in Her home, and being available for Her regular use and happiness ^_^

Um... it does not have much else to say, it is going to resume it's research. ^_^

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Aurora March 15, 2012

don't know if what i am feeling is right or not but today i feel very depress and sad. i know i should not be but i do any ways. i can't to think about the past and what i gave up to be me. Some times i feel like i should have let Michael stay in control and just continued the lies. i am not sure what felt worse the lie that was my life or being honest and being alone.i just want the pain to go away. i want love and need to be loved. i need to be someone's first choice not second third or what ever.

In the later part of the evening Mistress did her best to cheer me up and tell me its not long till i will be with her and know all is real and true. i feel better but still i know the pain is inside of me. its going to be hard leaving Portland cause i know the people and have started to feel comfortable here. i have most of my minor needs here. But they should be replace able.

March 15, 2012

it is struggling to understand this interface which has caused it's prior entry to be removed by accident. There was a comment though stating that it will be punished and it will remember from now on... it is somewhat worried. :/ it knows that it will take whatever pain Mistress ever deems upon it. The silent stage it took the last time it was punished is evidence of that -this submissive will accept it's punishment in whatever form that takes. it feels like a giant failure right now and still is not totally relieved from it's headpains :/ prescription med time it supposes.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Aurora March 14, 2012

Tonight was very quite at my job..1 call every 45 mins and chats every 15 mins. Today i have to get my hair done and maybe nails. Also i have another doctors appoint for my back. Then i get to come home and get more sleep and relax. i was thinking of applying for a new job, and work it if i get till i move down. It would look good on the resume and its what i need to get my surgery. i am really tired right now.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Aurora March 13, 2012

i had a very scary and real feeling dream today and when i awoke i felt terrified. i am beginning to fear going to sleep. That's 3 days in a row i have had a bad dream and they keep getting worse.
Other then the nightmare i had today my day was very relaxing. i went to get my neck and back looked at and they said its repairable. i played SWTOR when i got home and after a few hours i went to help make dinner. When i got back on the PCc i check my email and  a old friend wrote me and asked me out Thursday night cause she heard though the grape vine that i wasn't getting out enough. So i will at least get some time out in public.

March 13, 2012

it forgot to journal this morning... between stomach pains and other little distractions and curiosities for Mistress. :( it doesn't have all that much to say because it has already been communicating with Mistress the last 24 hours

Monday, March 12, 2012

Aurora March 12, 2012

i find it hard on days like these to be alone and have to the be the begging for attention. i am about to break down and spend the rest of the day crying...i know i am not be alone forever and there are people out there that do spend time with me, but its rare once a week and some others its once every few months. i think i deserve to be loved. But as of late i am start to doubt my value. Everyone i know has a mate or lover, even my x-girl friend found someone. This leads me to thinking whats the point...i get up i eat i go walking and i help kim or paul. But no one calls and says what you doing? would you like to go do some thing..its always me begging. if i have to beg..does that mean i am really not wanted? i keep trying to tell my self it won't be forever. Just get back in college and maybe just maybe you might meet someone..but honestly the college age person is in there early 20's and would never date someone my age unless they got some thing from me. I haven't felt really loved since i was married. The kind of love where the person doesn't want any one else just me..i just wish the pain would end. or void in my heart could be filled.i want a hug but there is no one to give me one. 

Continued from same day
 
Had a really relaxing day playing SWTOR and chatting with another sub that plays SWTOR. And had a filling dinner. about 90 min in to my shift i get an error with the Ninjato software and i let my supervisor Sean Brooks know about it and the first thing he says its on my end and he may have to write me up if i don't fix it right away. He says its my ISP or my network and then he says you need to update your network drivers. While he telling me all this I reach out to another engineer and ask him if he can open the ticket that gives me the error and he can't and that engineer asks command and they can't open it. so the engineer tell Sean he can't open and same with command. Sean then says command tells me corrupted and does he tell me sorry no. Stress me the hell out and it wasn't my fault. That man needs to be bitch slap so bad. its been 4 hours and still no break.

March 12, 2012

Hmmm, it doesn't have much to say. Just pondering, lots of pondering, and perhaps some dreaming. Lusty, happy dreaming, lol. And dreaming of futures... which is quite nice. it is a happy one today... it doesn't have much else to say, at some point when it reached a certain level of submission it stopped feeling much to say anymore.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Aurora March 11, 2012

i had a really weird dream when i went to bed last morning. its my second day in a row where i am a baby in it. but this time i was being abused.  if i had to take a guess at what it might mean..i would say i have a small fear of giving up total control to another because of what Kate did to me and what my last owners did. i have been thinking really hard about where my life is at and where i want it to go. i just don't know the right choice to make.

March 11, 2012

Calmer...

Today felt calmer. Probably due to a number of things. it got to see friends today. That sounds silly, but it really hasn't gotten to see friends in... months. it needed that. Good god it feels calmer now. it still feels submissive to Mistress, it appreciates Her offers to continue without submission, but it does not wish to remove that element from relations, it wishes to find a happy balance between being a boyfriend, and being a submissive. it feels most comfortable deferring to a dominant Mistress in relationships, it simply needs to figure out what it's wants and needs are in that regard, and figure out how that would line up with Mistress as well. it has not had, and still does not have any hard feelings towards Mistress... The longer it writes these, the more it affirms the more bound it feels. it is beginning to feel almost as though there is already a collar around it's neck emotionally. That's not a bad thing, but that is part of what scared it so much, now that it has time to think. it felt as though it was somehow being collared before actually agreeing to it, like Mistress just took it's heart and grabbed it firmly, put a lock on it, and left this one bound without asking it first... and the truth is that Mistress had that effect because of how it feels towards her, and it can't resist that feeling when thinking of her. it still has a couple things to process... but it is feeling far more comfortable... just needs a bit more time to feel less... frantic.

it dreamt  not long ago -actually dreamt, not fantasized, not read or wrote... But actually woke from a dream in which the world was actually led by women as a gender. Men had similar rights to women in the 1930's. We were human, but we were considered intellectually inferior, and unfit to make major life decisions... A male's ideal life would be to find a strong woman who knew her place in the world, and to be by her side, her submissive partner, yielding to her decisions and obeying as one might see a housewife do a la old black and white syndicated television. The man sat in the passenger seat at all times, carried the bags, still opened doors; but did not speak up unless appropriate, many wore silver collars round their necks, sometimes with tags of ownership, and they all knew their place... it was an odd but very nice dream. Perhaps this one will write something longer about it as a short story some time. The dream does speak volumes to this one's true subconscious desires, and well, while it has been nervous about sharing the dream, it feels that the knowledge might make Mistress smile... and She deserves to smile when reading this... it hopes to start making many more happy entries again. This dream scared it originally... scared it a lot. Largely, because it added to the whole panic effect... "What is this collar, and why does it seem to be bound tightly round my heart? Who the hell put a padlock on this? When did I say that this was okay!?! I didn't agree to this yet!" ...but the truth is that submission doesn't ask permission, a submissive nature exists whether this one wants that nature to exist or not... submission cannot truly be turned off or controlled. Submission is a reflex, an instinct, a pre-determined destiny. it feels far more at peace today.

it did not sleep well last night, it's neighbors downstairs have been smoking pot, right out their window it thinks, because it is routinely smelling marijuana in the late mornings. And only through it's open window. it hates that smell. it doesn't care if someone else wants to smoke the stuff -but this one shouldn't have to smell it. Blarg.

This one is off to affirm, and to think fondly of Mistress... and probably wake up half humping it's bed again, since it hasn't cum in a while, lolololol!

-happy pet.

Snag

I am sorry about the lack of my other slaves journals we had a bit of a hang up and we are hopefully all good now!!