February 18, 2012

it had to work last night. it's fever did not return thankfully... it was worried about that. it has a few more days of antibiotics left, then it should be all done. it still does not feel 100%, but it is unsure if that's the antibiotics or the condition leaving it's body. This would not have happened if not for it's tendency to push itself too hard at times. it can be stubborn about that at times.

Back to history though... and it would like to preface this with a request for Mistress... The individuals of which it speaks might actually turn out to be people Mistress has met or spoken with, particularly at 94th Aerosquadron. it would like to say respectfully, that it has dealt with these people, in it's own way, and on a larger scale. it understands that Mistress may be rather unhappy with them, but it would ask that She remember the situation has been resolved so much as it can... it does not like to stir up the past.

The poly arrangement mentioned yesterday lasted for 8 months... this was despite a number of close friends advising rather strongly against sticking around. it stuck around because it had made a promise to the other submissive who had unwittingly brought it along (neither it nor she knew at the time fully that it was simply a 'garnish' to the deal, nothing more, nothing desired), it knew that it was unhappy, but it promised to stick around for her, and once it did, it felt obligated to stick to that promise despite it's better judgement.

The arrangement began to sully and sour rapidly, the master of the house was an emotional succubus, not literally of course, but in the sense that he seemed to thrive off creating misery and guilt in others, it was how he kept his own close... he was all about pity. The fact that it refuses to capitalize his name or subtitles despite his being a 'master' should go to say something, as it is usually very respectful of these things... it does not feel he deserves even the civil respect of a common stranger. That will be explained.

it spent months jumping in to resolve arguments it was not involved in, providing support to it's fellow submissive, speaking with the alpha who was over it, offering her encouragement and obedience, trying to help her when she was down or when she was angry... which was a lot. She had some severe anger management issues, which came out verbally a lot, in constant expressions of disappointment and reminders that she was unpleased for things which frankly weren't reasonable. For example, if she told it to cook dinner, and couldn't be bothered to explain that she wanted a particular meal cooked for the household... it seems unreasonable to complain when she didn't get that. Additionally whenever it's fellow sub had a disagreement or argument with the master, the alpha would get rather grumpy and take that anger out on it... it does not like constantly being in the doghouse because of issues which are either caused by others, or which it could not know of.

There were a few occasions which stood out to it, and still do. These were incidents which rather strongly accent the dynamics that became so harmful in the long-run.

On one occasion, a very good friend of it's... family as far as it is concerned, and it doesn't toss that word around lightly, was having an horrific time with some past trauma due to a recent event. She called it, and begged it to get permission to help her through that. it asked it's alpha and master, and expressed the levity of the situation... they pondered the issue for nearly two hours while she drove herself mad, and while it felt like it was being a horrible friend to one of the few friends it keeps. Eventually they grudgingly let it go... it was not missing anything with them, there was no plan for that day, there were no events being missed, they were casually grocery shopping and running light errands that day. They simply did this to exert dominance, which seemed inappropriate to it. it had not been disrespectful, it had communicated effectively, and when she contacted them about the situation later to apologize and thank them... the alpha was needlessly vile and hurtful towards her... to put it kindly. The situation was ugly, so much so that it nearly left the household then and there... it should have, because the alpha showed no remorse for doing serious damage to one of it's few friendships left. She had no reason or excuse for why she verbally attacked this individual, she just shrugged and left it at that. This bothered it for some time, and was the first major drop in a thunderstorm.

As it's birthday came nearer, the household was preparing for a local event that required intense setup all day, we had finished prepping which had been about 10 hours of heavy manual labor, and were joined by a longtime friend of the household's for dinner. it had never met her, but she was very friendly. We all had dinner, and were driving back home, when she rather abruptly announced that she was feeling frisky and wanted to play if anyone was up for it. The head of the house was far too tired, his alpha wanted to cuddle with him and relax, and my fellow sub wasn't really interested. it asked for permission, and the head of the household ok'd this with no reluctance. So as we all got home, it and she went off to one of the bedrooms with permission and began to mess around. Very shortly after we had gone into the room, it's fellow submissive decided that she in fact had issue with this, and was feeling jealous\etc. Per household rules, things like this were to be communicated immediately, and play was to stop once that had happened. Discussion could be had, and if all parties were okay afterwards then it would resume. If all parties were not in approval the play would not resume. The sub was too nervous to come in and ask us to stop, so she walked in, said nothing, stood there for a moment apparently trying to grow some balls, and then asked the head of household to do it, saying we didn't listen. it tries hard not to use 'true dominant' statements.. but it will make exception here -a REAL master would have walked in and said "Stop, come out to the living room, we need to talk", and the ordeal would have been effectively handled. Instead, he walked into the room, quietly muttered looking at board games on the shelf, then walked out. Nothing was said to us. We had slowed down and listened for just that reason, not a word was spoken to us that could be audibly heard. The head of household was too shy to exert simple dominance in saying "Stop." When we exited the room afterwards, it was informed that it was in deep trouble, and that they were disappointed in it. it was to go home while they thought about it's punishment. it was not afforded an opportunity to defend itself, to explain itself, nothing. it didn't even fully understand what it was being punished for.

The rest of the household (alpha, head, and co-sub) talked and decided on an 'appropriate' punishment for it. They would cut off ALL communication with it for a solid week... the week which included it's birthday. They had spent the last three months committing behaviors which effectively cut it off from the rest of it's friends and family, and then they cut it off themselves. it had a very lonely tearful week... it had been very invested in them. So, to be judged so unfairly it felt was more than it knew how to bear. After a week, they read it's journals, and the alpha and head realized that the other sub had not been truthful in saying that we hadn't listened to it... and the head of household disclosed that he had not actually either, he felt that the sub saying something followed by 'his sheer presence' should have been enough to stop us. The alpha apologized hollowly, no one else apologized at all. No repercussions came to the other sub who had lied and effectively led to this issue. it was told to simply 'drop' the matter and move on. A week is a very long time to be ignored, and to be told to simply think about what one has [not] done.

Another occurrence regarding this household came up when the four of us were playing, all in the bedroom. He was dominating the other sub, the alpha was dominating it. Play like this was fairly frequent, and often culminated in an orgy on the bed. Occasionally partners would switch based on the tops' desires, but all limits were known as we had both been asked to bring a list of limits (hard and soft aka 'negotiable') for their knowledge. The lists had been reviewed with both of them so that there would be no ambiguity. it's list of hard limits was fairly short at the time, things like scat and piss, sounding, pedophilia and necrophilia were all limits, most of them were things that a lot of people wouldn't want to engage in anyways. As we switched, the head was apparently in a mood for some CBT, so he bound it's hands behind it's back and began with some light cock torture. it was enjoying this until he produced a set of sounds, which had been on it's list -which he knew were a hard limit for it. it had been tortured for more than two hours between he and the alpha, so it was not in a speaking capacity. he looked at it and said "I know this is one of your limits, but I think you're ready for it." and proceeded to insert the sound into it's urethra. Finding it's voice took quite a lot of effort, but it finally called red. he did not stop on the first red, but the second. Afterwards he apologized lightly, and the matter was never spoken of again. For the longest time, it felt that it was at fault for not using it's voice sooner, and it was ashamed. As time went on, it learned that the general consensus was that limits should NEVER be negotiated DURING play, especially for things which were known to be off limits.

As time went on, he had some issues with limits regarding the other sub, and this one went on to learn that he had issues with a number of other submissives before. it also learned that some of these issues had been reported to leadership... the same leadership it had inquired with early on to verify that he was a safe and trustworthy individual to be involved with. They knew, and when asked point blank, they did not pass the warning along. When this relationship ended rather nastily (next entry), it vanished from the scene for roughly a year, scared of what else was out there if leadership was recommending this bastard.

it takes limits very seriously. Limits are what make this consensual. If limits are not respected, regardless of the reason (accidents are not an issue of respect, they are accidents. Deliberate occurrences are issues.) that is, in it's and in a large number of people's minds... rape. A non-consensual act inflicted upon an unwilling party. it takes this very seriously, and has invested much time and energy into protecting others from similar happenings. This is one of the ways, it thinks, that it came to be seen by so many as a dominant, because it does have a very protective nature over those who might not know what dangers really lurk.

February 17, 2012

it feels slightly better, it has a nasty headache that it is trying to fight off, but it has taken some meds to battle this... hopefully the pain will be alleviated soon. it has just cleaned itself out. For some reason it is embarassed about cleanings, but they help with acid reflux and also keep it nice and clean both inside and out for Mistress. ^_^ it likes to feel completely available for use... and it hopes that Mistress will be happy with this habit in the future.

Hmmm.... History, one story comes to mind when it thinks of appropriate stories to tell as of late. This will be a less happy bit of history.

Years ago, when it had only been in the community for a few brief months, it met two individuals at one of Club X's old "S&M 101" classes, back when they were run at The Rubber Rose. One of the individuals was giving a thorough lecture on contracts and their use in submission and slavery arrangements. He made it clear over and over, for countless reasons, why contracts were so important in long term arrangements, how they would help, and what they can benefit. Afterwards, we (it and the poly group it was with) met him and his primary slave for dessert, and much conversation. He took a keen shine to my fellow submissive in the group, she was young and naive, and frankly so was it at the time. Over a few weeks, he and his primary saw to seeing more of us, and trying to lure us away to join them. They were experienced, they were seemingly intelligent, and they came with strong recommendation from Club X leadership (a reason this one now leans towards dispising Club X as a group.) As the dominants of it's current poly group began to lose interest and have less time, it and it's fellow submissive were gradually convinced that these new folk would be much better for us, having more time and knowledge... and being far more interested in us.

As things turned out, they were not so interested in it. They were interested in the other sub, but she and it had grown so close that they saw us as a 'package deal' and it came as 'part of the deal'... Not as a genuinely wanted part. The head of the household assigned his primary to train me, as her task in order to re-earn her collar (what she did to lose that collar, it never learned). This led towards one ugly, horrific eight month period of it's life. it gave them everything, helped with emotional issues and unhealthy tendencies on their parts all because others with more experience indicated somewhat continuously that these people were some of the best people in the community to be involved with.

it probably sounds bitter right now, and admittedly it always will be, but it will continue explaining this more in future entries. The subject matter takes quite some time to cover, and includes it's second major experience with nonconsensual play, as well as it's learning about the intricacies of leather hierarchies within the larger community. These particular subjects are VERY hard for it to share, as they include some very painful memories, and some regrets. it has no anger at this point, it is past that, but it will always regret it's decision to stay there. This is a part of it's sharing process for Mistress... it supposes a preview or introduction to a larger period. it hopes Mistress learns more about it, and why it has it's extreme levels of caution and why it is so incredibly slow to move forward, no matter how much it's heart compels it to it's natural submission. it feels, because of these unfortunate events, that it has to maintain some level of control over it's submissive nature. This will explain a large part of why.

it needs to get some sleep, it feels nauseous, and it suspects more from the current subject matter than it's recent condition. it looks forward to seeing Mistress... very very much. it is currently wondering if it would be disrespectful for it to sleep wearing some loose object around it's neck, a symbol of it's path, and where it wishes to go, and a pleasant reminder that it is moving towards something wonderful... but only if Mistress approves.

February 16, 2012

Not much to say today... it feels useless and frustrated. This should be it's relaxation time, but being frustrated at blinking the clock away does not feel like relaxation, it feels like unwanted loss of time. it's fever is down under 100 now, which is good. but it misses Mistress, and feels just completely inadequate. it did not really want to post based upon it's feelings, but it follows instructions as told. it is performing it's affirmations after this, then going back to bed.

February 15, 2012

it is sick. it went to uc last night and got prescriptions and then rushed off to work. it seems to have misplaced it's phone, it thinks at the uc in it's rush to get to work on time. it spent the evening isolated a few aisles over from everyone else, and is now going to sleep off the sickness, it has prescriptions ready soon and looks forward to feeling better. it has noticed that through it's daily affirmations it is starting to fall harder and harder into it's submission. it feels a knee-jerk reaction to resist this response because it is not yet trained\fully owned, but it has to work so hard to do that. it is such a conflict fighting internally for the urge to have a sense of self, but also having the natural response to essentially surrender that to Mistress' desires. it struggles with this concept, and rather wishes it had not learned so much as it has over the last few years, nor experienced most of that. it wonders if a slave can have seen too much? it will email Mistress and inform Her that this blog is completed and it will be in bed shortly after affirmations and after first prescription is taken.

February 14, 2012

Hmmm... what to say. it feels, pretty awful. Not emotionally, but physically. it had.a fever today, and had to come in to work because it does not have excess sick time available. So... yeah. it did not get to see Mistress, which was a disappointment to it as well, not by any remote fault of Hers of course, just... sick. Did it mention it dislikes being sick? it also dislikes going to work while sick. Ah well. it does not wish to complain anymore.
Hmmm.... it debates (hi)story time... there is always so much to share, it has a very broad history, and has experienced much. it does not feel prideful about this, but it does feel very fortunate. Unfortunately this knowledge is really only applicable for teaching others, and not so much good for it to use personally.
Hmm... it feels there is not much substance today. it's eyes are dry and itchy, it's face is hot and it dearly wants to rest. Perhaps this will simply be a day without much to say. it will simply perform it's affirmations when it gets home and... go to bed it supposes. Perhaps it will take something for the fever. it hopes it has not disappointed Mistress too much. it dreams of being her property.

February 13, 2012

Hmmm... it is supposed to focus more on current feeligs and happenings with these entries. it isn't very good with the whole 'feelings' thing. it is actually pretty epicly bad with that... call it cold or heartless at times, but us awful with emotions.
That said... it is currently undergoing a shift that pleases and scares it all at once. That being the transition mentally towards serving Mistress. The pull She has on it is becoming stronger and that is very powerful and very scary. it wants to be owned, collared, kept... it wants to serve, but it is conflicted with how fast it is falling into this. it knows that this is it's natural place, but it also has difficulty and fear in letting everything go in it's mind. it has worked very hard not to need help, to be self sufficient, to be stable and strong. And feeling that it maintains that while being completely subjegated is a difficult realty to fathom... it is concerned about becoming less useful in this way, weakened even. That scares it some.
The conflict comes from it's inherently natural desire to serve, the same desire that made me willing and eager to take the role She wishes, kneeling, naked and exposed for Her access and Her pleasures when She wishes. it's a no brainer. But it has to take down all these walls that it spent so long putting up, tree defenses and safegaurds.... it never let's anyone in to it's inner self. Truthfully, it does not know what exists there, in itself. it spent so much time building and changing and protecting itself, that on it's own it hardly knows what to do. Literally speaking, it has found itself (not recently) sitting in it's home, just contemplating what it should do when there is no one to please, no one who must approve. That's an odd gong to realize. In many ways it is opinionated, but in a lot of ways it is a blank slate.
On an unrelated sidenote, it is a little concerned with some of Mistress' opinions on other fetishes and lifestyles. While it does not practice most of these, it does spend a large amount of time spreading acceptance and awareness of these kinks.... so hearing someone knock or degrade he fetishes or interests of others really does bother it. it knows that came out of nowhere, but it needed to say that based on prior conversations. it is accepting of all, and wants to feel the same acceptance with those around it. ^_^
This has been a weird post. it feels weird. Weird weird weird. Sometimes it thinks that just having a collar around it's neck and a remote shock collar around it's balls would quickly fix this whole 'individuality' thing, and allow it to serve happily ever after. More random weirdness. Blegh. Sorry for so much oddity and blegh.

February 12, 2012

Hmmm.... it is unsure what to post now. The day was largely uneventful, largely because it also through oat of the day. That is one of the challenges of it's schedule for work, but it truly enjoys it's job. ^_^
That said, it has some reading to do on the updated rules and contract. There are some fears because it has never entered into a what appears to be a gorean themed slavery, it knows that this can be very emotionally intense, and that there is significant potential for harm when one opens themselves up so deeply for another. it takes this lifestyle very seriously and wants to enter with wisdom and caution so as not to fail and so as to enjoy it's new home at Mistress' feet.
For a bit nor history, today it will revisit something potentially more happy, as it visited something rather dark yesterday. it knows there are times for all emotions and prefers to balance them well.
Today it shall post about its first sexual experience, which also contained fetish and bdsm undertones.
it was 19, working a full time job at a video store, and living at home. it had been seeking a like minded dominant to potentially own it for the past year, and it had begun discussions with a married woman whom was looking for houseboy to serve and to please them both. Her husband was a navyman who had to go on deployments and wanted a clean submissive boy to keep her happy while he was away, and whom he could use and dominate while he was home as well. She had communicated with it for a few weeks, and arranged a time for it to come to her, it was to grab a quick dinner and meet her at her home for discussions and potentially play. She was nervous, it was also nervous, but she began to playfully teaase it and find it's buttons and how to make it blush. it was quite nervous, as it sucked down a milkshake, she pointed out her theory that you can tell how well.someone sucks dick by how well they do with milkshakes. it blushed fire red. it was bicurious at this point but unsure and still sexually virginal (sexually, but not entirely). She advanced on it, and began kissing -hard, so much so hat it's tongue ached and he wimpered underneather her, which aroused her more... he left that day with his virginity still in tact. A week or two later, it received a call from her husband whom it had not yet met... it was crazy nervous, even quite scared. But it knew hat it needed to face it's fears to find what it needs. it made it's way over at an agreed time, and was almost immediately made to strip and present itself on it's knees for him while she watched. He was far more dominant and to the point. He liked what he saw, and he ordered it closer, he slipped down his pants, placed his hand at the nape of my neck, looked straight through my eyes and said "suck." it understood what it was to do immediately, and it wasted no time. it did well at that and even tried deepthroating... discovered it seems to have no gag reflex lol.
After that, it was told to service his wife orally while he posiioned himself behind it for penetration... it was probed and fucked mercilessly for a good while.
Afterwards it lay on the floor... processing what all had just happened and enjoying the moment. As things turned out this wasn't the right place for it to be, but it walked away in good terms and knew that it's place was with a collar round it's neck, a firm hand gripping it, and someone to serve. it was very happy for that personal confirmation.