February 17, 2012

it feels slightly better, it has a nasty headache that it is trying to fight off, but it has taken some meds to battle this... hopefully the pain will be alleviated soon. it has just cleaned itself out. For some reason it is embarassed about cleanings, but they help with acid reflux and also keep it nice and clean both inside and out for Mistress. ^_^ it likes to feel completely available for use... and it hopes that Mistress will be happy with this habit in the future.

Hmmm.... History, one story comes to mind when it thinks of appropriate stories to tell as of late. This will be a less happy bit of history.

Years ago, when it had only been in the community for a few brief months, it met two individuals at one of Club X's old "S&M 101" classes, back when they were run at The Rubber Rose. One of the individuals was giving a thorough lecture on contracts and their use in submission and slavery arrangements. He made it clear over and over, for countless reasons, why contracts were so important in long term arrangements, how they would help, and what they can benefit. Afterwards, we (it and the poly group it was with) met him and his primary slave for dessert, and much conversation. He took a keen shine to my fellow submissive in the group, she was young and naive, and frankly so was it at the time. Over a few weeks, he and his primary saw to seeing more of us, and trying to lure us away to join them. They were experienced, they were seemingly intelligent, and they came with strong recommendation from Club X leadership (a reason this one now leans towards dispising Club X as a group.) As the dominants of it's current poly group began to lose interest and have less time, it and it's fellow submissive were gradually convinced that these new folk would be much better for us, having more time and knowledge... and being far more interested in us.

As things turned out, they were not so interested in it. They were interested in the other sub, but she and it had grown so close that they saw us as a 'package deal' and it came as 'part of the deal'... Not as a genuinely wanted part. The head of the household assigned his primary to train me, as her task in order to re-earn her collar (what she did to lose that collar, it never learned). This led towards one ugly, horrific eight month period of it's life. it gave them everything, helped with emotional issues and unhealthy tendencies on their parts all because others with more experience indicated somewhat continuously that these people were some of the best people in the community to be involved with.

it probably sounds bitter right now, and admittedly it always will be, but it will continue explaining this more in future entries. The subject matter takes quite some time to cover, and includes it's second major experience with nonconsensual play, as well as it's learning about the intricacies of leather hierarchies within the larger community. These particular subjects are VERY hard for it to share, as they include some very painful memories, and some regrets. it has no anger at this point, it is past that, but it will always regret it's decision to stay there. This is a part of it's sharing process for Mistress... it supposes a preview or introduction to a larger period. it hopes Mistress learns more about it, and why it has it's extreme levels of caution and why it is so incredibly slow to move forward, no matter how much it's heart compels it to it's natural submission. it feels, because of these unfortunate events, that it has to maintain some level of control over it's submissive nature. This will explain a large part of why.

it needs to get some sleep, it feels nauseous, and it suspects more from the current subject matter than it's recent condition. it looks forward to seeing Mistress... very very much. it is currently wondering if it would be disrespectful for it to sleep wearing some loose object around it's neck, a symbol of it's path, and where it wishes to go, and a pleasant reminder that it is moving towards something wonderful... but only if Mistress approves.