Aurora March 24, 2012

i am having one of those days where i am feeling confused about my choices. i am pretty sure it has to do with the hack of sleep over the last 48 hrs. If i could have what i wanted out of life this is what i want. A D/s relationship where i was the alpha. But one that allowed cuddling and love. One where the protocol is there when it should be and relax a bit when its just the two of us so i maybe closer to my partner. One that likes to go out to clubs to flirt. To have a partner that wants me to better myself and is smart enough to guide me to that end. i need that binding love again. i have had it three times in my life. The first time was in high school and the second was to my x-wife and the last time was with Amy. And Amy is the strongest because its Jennifer's first love. i want to believe i can be a partner that is equal to a wife to someone. Nothing reminds me how alone i am then in the morning and evening when there is no one to say i love you. its like a knife being press into my heart. Lately i have been feeling that the best i can hope for is to be someone's third. i hope and pray that is not true. And its not helping that its slow at work, no calls or chats in 16 mins so far. i am sitting here crying and wishing i could call someone so that i can feel less alone. Kim is great to be around but i cannot afford to go out as much as her and it drives me a way from my goals. i like my Mistress and want to do things that make her happy but i am unsure if i will ever lover in the way that i need. what i mean is that my love might be that of a sister or bff. i wonder if you can have the same kind of love from your partner in a D/s lifestyle. without that close love of a partner i feel i may stray, and continue my search for it.When your in love with your partner you want to see them happy as much as they want to see me happy.One of thing to note, Amy came over to pay me a visit and i wonder if i am feeling this way cause she is toxic to my heart and soul. i do not have the strength to boot her from my life and i really don't want to cause she has always been there for me. i have to admit that nights like this i do think about hanging myself, just so the pain would end. but i don't cause i believe it can get better.i feel so bad right now that i want to toss my lunch.