Destiny 8/1/2011 - 8/7/2011

8-1-11

      Journal, it has just finished a text chat with Mistress. She asked it to call Her but it is so drained and stressed out it felt like it could scarcely say a word without bawling or something, and so She was gracious enough to let it text chat with Her, a form of communication it is much more comfortable with than the phone. Still, it feels bad, not only about being unable to fulfill what Mistress initially asked for -- it wishes it saw the phone calls with Master and Mistress as sources of strength and comfort, but it feels so clumsy on the phone, it never knows the right thing to say and is always worried it is going to make a mistake…it supposes it is like this in most sorts of interactions, but it has noticed that at least when it can see Master and Mistress, though it is held in tension being at attention (in a loose sense, not the position) for Them, it feels like it doesn’t have to try so hard to express its obedience and submission since They can plainly see its expressions, and likewise it doesn’t have to try as hard to tease Their feelings out of the words. Of course it realizes it is its own fault it cannot video chat with Master and Mistress, but it digresses from this tangent. its mind is sort of fuzzy from little sleep and having done so much journal, so it cannot think of much else to say tonight. it will admit it was very strange surreptitiously doing its affirmation with its mom just in the next room…it felt almost pervy doing so, it supposes not in a bad way though, lol. Oh, and Mistress dyed Her hair an absolutely fabulous shade today, it has always wanted deep red hair like She now has. Uhm…yes, clearly this entry has lost any coherency, so it will say goodnight to you journal.

8-2-11

      Journal, Master and Mistress have been quite heavily on its mind today, which is appropriate -- always, but especially since today is Master’s birthday. Yaaay! it woke up quite early before dawn in order to finish the present (since it couldn’t work on it while its mom was awake) and then went back to sleep, so it had thoughts of Master and Mistress swimming through its head, causing it to dream about Them. it doesn’t quite remember all the details…it was in the house it just moved out of, but the bathroom was its bedroom (there was still water everywhere, though…go figure) and it was tied to a bed where the shower was (and water may have been pouring out of it, its not sure) and its sister was sitting but bound on the sink counter, and there was a third person, female and also naked and bound (but not very tightly) somewhere in the back part of the room where it could not see, and the basic narrative which the dream seemed to repeat over and over again was that the third person was wailing and complaining and struggling against the bonds, being very agitated and animatedly trying to get it and sister to let her out and help break us all out. since it was bound quite strongly to the bed it was hard for it to crane its neck back to see this person, but it kept over and over telling her she needed to be quiet, angrily gesturing to her even through its bonds that she should sit down and be still because Master and Mistress were coming and They weren’t going to be happy with what was going on. it was getting very frustrated and upset that this person wasn’t cooperating and was making all three of us agitated. sister was just looking on calmly and silently. slowly it became aware that there was a banging on the door, and this just caused the third person to wail more despairingly, while it felt paralyzed and unable to do anything. The dream ended when it saw Mistress break through the door and charge in with Master right behind, and, at just that very moment in reality Mistress texted it and woke it up, which was obviously a little freaky, haha. Once Mistress let it know Master was awake, it called Him to wish Him a happy birthday, and it very much enjoyed getting to speak to Master directly. it also seems as though He enjoyed His present, and so it is overjoyed that it was able to do something that pleased Him. As it is writing this, it imagines that Master and Mistress are enjoying Their movie, dinner and drinks to celebrate Master’s birthday, and it wishes so much that it could be there with Them celebrating but, again it hopes that its obedience and devotion to Master and Mistress will be felt thanks to its gift. 

8-3-11

      Journal, it is sure you are quite weary of hearing it lament of how much it has been having to just move stuff the past several days, and so it is sure you can imagine just how weary it is! Today was mostly about helping it get its mom ready to move and seeing her new apartment, which has little to do with its service to Master and Mistress other than that, having seen the rooms layout at last, it was quite concerned that it won’t have enough privacy to be able to talk to Master and Mistress. While this concern has kind of been gnawing at it for a long time, Mistress came up with a clever solution in which it could text back its responses over the phone if it would be overheard. it is glad that in the event it has no private space whatsoever there is a possible solution, but it feels bad, since once sister is with Master and Mistress the only reason They would have to call would be to talk to it, and yet because of only texting back it would be the one that seemed the most distant and disconnected, which saddens it. perhaps we will go back to using the phone? it hopes it is able to cordon off some sort of space or sonically insulate some area (perhaps the loft) enough to avoid this happening. it does not concern it as much as it has before, however, since it has kind of realized that, thanks to some of the earlier more involved interactions it had with Master and Mistress, that even though obviously things are still in the air and there is a lot it still doesn’t understand or is unsure of, things are at a kind of comfortable and sort of stable point and so even if it was reduced to only texting back it thinks things would probably work out. it just can’t at all wait until it can put all this staying in touch nonsense behind it by actually being with Master and Mistress.

8-4-11

      Again journal, today was more of the broken record of a week it has been all week, except the moving today was much more intense than before since we have to have it all done by tomorrow morning. it is writing this entry very quickly since we are in the midst of this as we speak, but it was able to find time to do its affirmation up in the loft at the old apartment, and this brought it some very badly needed and much appreciated calmness and centering, on an emotional level above and beyond the physical level, that it is truly grateful to Master and Mistress for. it is interesting how things have changed; before, since it was mostly quiet and mostly kept to itself at the last place it stayed, it was able to almost diffusivity fill that space with Master and Mistress in its thoughts, but now, since it has been bouncing back and forth between its parents houses and in each case as soon as it gets there it is talked to constantly and constantly being plugged into their emotional dramas, that it has to try much harder and in an active way to remind itself of Master and Mistress’ presence, but that because of that it needs that reminder that much more intensely and seeks it…thus it feels like Master and Mistress’ gift of allowing it to perform Their affirmation is a truly incredible blessing. 

8-5-11

      Journal, it has little to report today. it performed its affirmation and practiced its position early in the morning before work, which it was very glad to go to since it meant it would no longer have to be moving (since it and its mom failed to move everything last night and so its still going on…) and could get a break from that space both physically and emotionally. Thus it was able to be more in its own thoughts today, which it was very glad about, and was able to thus think more about Master and Mistress. All this moving, like the dust thrown in the air by boxing up old things, has stirred up all kinds of thoughts and emotions in it, about itself and everyone else, about its distant past and the future, about its relationship with Master and Mistress. Especially it has been thinking about how its sister is arriving at Master and Mistress’ today, it finds this excites it and brings it back to that ‘concretizing’ feeling it noticed when sister was last there with Master and Mistress. it finds itself in an incredibly pensive mood, but it doesn’t know what to say. so much has happened so quickly, it is still in shock trying to figure all of this out. Sometimes when that inner argumentative dialogue becomes overwhelming, it wants to just drown it all out by trusting only in Master and Mistress’ judgement and Ownership, to not have to figure out things for itself, yet…it is beginning to think that this is a false and unproductive tendency. slave is Master and Mistress’ but it is valuable to Them not because it is a dumb object but because it is a capable and intelligent being, and so it is its responsibility to parse out its own feelings, understandings and doubts about itself and its service to Master and Mistress, not to rely on Them to know what its feeling or how to handle it. Especially since its been around its mom so much and she so actively denies its basic identity, it makes it question all aspects of its identity, even its new role as slave and whether it will truly be able to fulfill it. Yet…again, it comes back to the fact that it doesn’t know how to figure itself out or guide itself, which is the reason it desires to submit in the first place. As you can see, pensiveness …pensiveness that goes in circles and leads nowhere, journal, is what beleaguers it. Still, all is well, and even barren contemplations will bear fruit in the future.

8-6-11

      Journal, it has just had a very enjoyable Skype call with Master and Mistress and its sister. But it will get to that in a moment. it did its affirmation before work today but unfortunately not before it noticed the email from Mistress, so it will have to look forward to practicing its new position ‘Kneel’ tomorrow. it is still concerned about exactly how contact with Master and Mistress will work now that it is staying with its parents, since while it will have the loft at its moms it is still uncertain that it will be private enough even if it is able to find some sort of very sound proof padding…phone calls may be the best bet in that situation, but at least it discovered tonight that indeed it can get wifi well enough in its car at its dads house to at-least do voice if not video. it supposes this is well, since while it is in its car out in public about ten feet from the window its dad looks out of all the time it can’t very well be naked and collared to appear appropriately before Master and Mistress, and it feels unfair for it to see Them if They cannot see it. Despite this it was still very happy today that it got a window into what was going on there even during the brief video chat. it was very exciting and helpful for it to see Master and Mistress and sister at the same time and the way Master and Mistress interacted with sister…it will be honest and admit that it rather got its juices flowing, since by looking at the video it could so easily visualize itself kneeling beside sister before Master and Mistress. And apart from the video aspect, it had a wonderful conversation with Master and Mistress in general about a wide range of things which it will not belabor you with journal, though it felt like it was a little distant  and didn’t have much to say nonetheless as always it enjoyed just hearing Master and Mistress speak and interact, it supposes it is actually rather well that it usually wants to just keep quiet and listen since that is what is expected of it, haha. 

8-7-11

      Journal, it cannot say very much to you today. it doesn’t know why, but today was one of those star-crossed days that it seems to unfortunately have on a regular basis where it is just absolutely inconsolably miserable and weepy all day long. it supposes after the tension let off from finally finishing moving and its short work week that inevitably everything it had been suppressing was going to catch up with it. it just feels so lost and adrift, it doesn’t really know if the path it is walking on is the right one or not, it just kind of keeps going along aimlessly. it is ashamed to say that it worked itself up into a very very desperate emotional place that it really doesn’t want to go back to; it is concerned because its mom has never seen it behave in so mentally ill of a fashion and so now basically has an itchy trigger finger to call in psychiatrists again. Most of it was stirred up by the moving and leaving its friends and losing its independence and its struggles to begin to develop its spiritual career path, but it is further ashamed that in its self-detonating panic its mind even drew its relationship with Master and Mistress into it; it still has so many doubts, it works so hard to try and make itself be what Master and Mistress want it to be, but it is still so very conscious that it does have to work so hard, that it has to force itself to be a slave rather than just be one, and it almost feels dishonest with Master and Mistress because of this, even though They have known this was in the cards from the beginning, it just frightens it so much to think that one day it may no longer have the strength to force itself into that position, or that it will be an inadequate slave to Master and Mistress because it has to put in so much extra effort just to make itself submit internally, or that it will succeed but somehow have permanently damaged itself emotionally or mentally by chafing against being bound in a position that is unnatural for it… but these are terrifying thoughts it is deeply ashamed of. Really it thinks a lot of it mostly has to do with having to butt heads with its parents and lose its independence and privacy. its strange, especially in light of everything else and something in particular it said to you last night journal, but it just can’t stand how everyone in its family, as well as its friends, just constantly tell it what to do and what to think and how to act and even though they seem to think they do they never give it any real chances to say what it thinks or how it thinks things should go even in relation to its own behaviors and its own life and it just drives it absolutely insane…or rather, completely breaks it and makes it feel just defeated and helpless. it is paradoxical, since this is exactly the kind of treatment it asks, begs, pleads for Master and Mistress to give it, but that isn’t really accurate, and having just said that kind of made it a bit clearer to it. Yes, Master and Mistress’ interactions with it (and to a lesser degree right now but it is sure much more so later) may have the form of it being constantly commanded and subjugated and subordinated, its thoughts and feelings if not being discounted at least not equally valued, but the reality is that this is more of a veneer to the real interaction, Master and Mistress always are very attentive to its feelings and needs and it believes that They see it as and that it is a valued and respected member of Their family. So perhaps it seeks out being controlled and commanded and dominated from Master and Mistress because even though this is what it feels like happens to it in all other areas of its life in this case it is asking for it, it is like because it has the same format as the other negative interactions but is actually about revealing a breathtakingly positive and blissful core, that by experiencing that it almost through, as they say technically, ‘sympathetic magick’ that the pain is able to be transformed into something better. Kind of like the reason cutters cut, the cutting feels good because unlike all the other pain it is pain one is in control of; although it is a bit more confusing since it is actually not pain that is really at issue here (obviously its an aspect but not what it is talking about at the moment) but control, but again, like a cutter, it feels like the reason it wants to give up control of itself is because it feels like in all areas of its life its control is taken from it, so if it offers it up freely, as a gift, then that makes it sacred and somehow transforms that lack of control into perfect control. Anyway, its head has been on continuously ramble about insecurities, fears and old hurts mode the entire day, and it doesn’t imagine talking to you journal more and more about it will make that any better, so it will try to be silent and at peace.