Destiny 7/25/2011 - 7/31/2011

7-25-11

      Journal it is very excited because it has so many things to talk to you about today. it just got off of a long and very interesting Skype call with Master and Mistress and its sister a few minutes ago, and it is still giddy from it, it doesn’t know where to start journal. For one thing, early in the morning as it left for work Mistress sent it two emails, and one of them contained the first of the position pictures of its sister -- which it was expecting -- and a new method of practicing  them along with the affirmation --which it wasn’t, and which it found to be such a great idea and so helpful; it really looks forward to this new method of practicing positions since it thinks by connecting the position with the command it will make the reception of the order and its performance not a two-step process but a complete unity, such that there is no thought at all but just obedience. This first new position is ‘attention’ which is different from the attention position Master and Mistress originally told it it was to use…it will have to remember to ask for clarification on this, as it forgot to during its chat with Master and Mistress today. Anyway, it didn’t get to practice its new position, since it was late coming back from work and so performed its affirmation kneeling in the back-seat of its car, but it looks forward to doing so tomorrow.  Anyway, Mistress also told it about the very difficult time it’s sister has been having with her roommates. it can hardly imagine why people would be so difficult towards their friend about something that they think is going to be a really positive change. Although having talked to sister about it, it thinks it understands a little better that its really just because her friends seem to have no knowledge of the scene whatsoever and so are basing their fear on made-for-tv-plotline type ideas about the relationship. As it recalls, it actually expected its friend to react in a similar way, saying that it was a trap or too dangerous or i would wake up without kidneys or something, and, actually as it thinks about it more deeply, it was when it got such a enthusiastically positive reaction about the whole situation that it started to think about being Owned by Master and Mistress as a realistic possibility and helped it come off of the fence about everything. Anyway, it hoped that during our conversation sister was able to get some relief from her friends harrassing her. it knows it certainly always draws strength and comfort from talking to Master and Mistress.

7-26-11

      Today it didn’t do very much other than begin to pack up its things. When it spoke to Mistress She told it that Master and Mistress intended to have the same sort of conference calls like it had yesterday on a regular basis, which it is sure it will enjoy very much just as it has enjoyed all its calls with Master and Mistress, and its sister. However, it has occurred to it just now that these will probably be quite different from this one two weeks from now, since sister will be there serving Master and Mistress, and so the only reason to have a call at all will be to keep it in the loop. it is afraid that this will make the possibility of it becoming disconnected; it will have to try harder to ‘be there’ emotionally, mentally and spiritually even if it can’t be physically when that time comes. it does worry that it will be like a feeling it felt a little when sister was last there with Master and Mistress, that the effort of staying in touch with it is really for it and not for Master and Mistress, that it is being a burden on Master and Mistress since tTey have to make an effort to keep in contact with it, which makes sense now but seems silly if They have its sister there serving Them, like the ephemerality of a pen pal compared to someone you see all the time every day. it knows these are merely self-disparaging and un-constructive thoughts, but so it will work harder to overcome them. it knows it will all be made better once it is actually with Master and Mistress…but it will be a struggle until that time, at least for it. Then again, it was a struggle before, and by comparison this is utter ease and bliss, but it digresses. Little else to report today journal, it practiced the new method of practicing the positions and found it very calming to repeat the position while holding it, it really helped it get in the mind-state to then perform its affirmation.

7-27-11

      Today slave mostly focused on packing, and spend some time with its roommates. it will try not to talk about the packing or its friends here, since it has been rather down thinking about these topics, while setting its mind on Master and Mistress is what makes it happy, and so it will not belabor the journal with those issues but instead talk about its service. However, unlike usual it finds itself at a loss for words. its mind feels kind of numb and quiet. it spoke to Mistress briefly over chat today, which it enjoyed; as it expected it alleviated some of the loneliness it was feeling (paradoxically, since its friends were right in the next room, but again, strangely, even though it has known them for years and years and Master and Mistress only a few months, They care about it in a completely different way…it is not as though its interactions with its friends aren’t meaningful, they are just… surface-level. Master and Mistress are depth.) it hopes that performing its affirmation will help pull it out of this slough, as it so often does.

7-28-11

      Today it was very excited journal. it has had a wonderful idea for something it can do for Master and Mistress, and so all day They have been in their thoughts, giving it a tremendous boost in energy, but because it will not record this until it has thought it through more carefully and accomplished it somewhat, it has little to say today. Still, it had a very interesting conversation with Mistress over texts, and while because it performed its affirmation early in the day it did not get to do so today, it is very excited that tomorrow it will get to practice a new position; ‘Inspection,’ as Mistress has just sent it a new picture from the set its sister took. 

7-29-11

      Early in the morning today it performed its affirmation before it went to work. it however has arrived home in such time that it honestly could have performed it later in the day, and it is almost tempted to do so. it finds such closure in performing the affirmation, it is an especially useful way to sort out its thoughts concerning Master and Mistress and its service, which would be helpful today especially since they were all mixing up in its head with its worries about moving and its friends. Instead, it supposes it will just meditate some on its service or, more likely, sit and fantasize about the future. Still, it wishes to record one salient detail from its affirmation this morning. When it began practicing the new ‘inspection’ position, it noticed something different from the first one. it thinks it is perhaps because, while attention denotes only something about the state of the subject (slave in this case), inspection inherently denotes both that there is a thing being inspected and an inspector. Because of this, as it was saying the name of the position to itself and holding itself in it, it felt not only its own state of ‘being inspected’ but also felt the presence of Master and Mistress, as if they were there inspecting it. it is very excited, because it realizes these positions are not only an opportunity for it to memorize the command and practice the posture, or even to make the issuance of the command and assumption of the posture a single movement as it suggested a few entries ago, but, moreover, that it is a way to practice entering and being in the state of consciousness that the position denotes (being at attention, being inspected, etc.) which it finds very exciting.

7-30-11

Today it performed its affirmation before work. it is writing this entry just before it goes to bed; it has been visiting with is friends all night, as this is the last night it will probably see them. it is really upset and sad -- while it knows it hasn’t explained it all in detail to you, dear journal, it has a very long history with these two particular people which makes all this very difficult for it. it feels so terrible, it has just felt so empty this week, like it has been holding its breath all week for what’s coming tomorrow. it makes it feel ashamed that it hasn’t had as much to say about its service to Master and Mistress. It may have something to do with the way it feels about Them, especially since its dealing with this: in both cases, there’s tons of emotion pent up inside it about the situation, but in the case of its friends there are a ton of words spilt and all of them are meaningless and not what it wants to talk about, and so with Master and Mistress it feels like it doesn’t need to say anything, it just needs to trust in Them and serve Them, and in that there is perfect meaning and joy and purpose. Obviously, it can’t express its obedience now without words since it is at distance, but that is not the point. Saying this has just made it wonder if indeed there is some deeper change in the way it thinks about the world and interacts with others going on, or if its responding to changes in its environment? Anyway, it hopes it will have more relevant things to say once it gets past tomorrow.

7-31-11

Today was the day it moved. it was a very melancholy day for it, as it has already suggested to you it would be journal, so it will not beat a dead horse. it can’t really explain, it feels like a part of it is dying, like a huge section of its life has suddenly been silenced. it knows it is probably all just a psychological drama, made worse by the conditions; that for the first time since the end of highschool it is having to move back in with its parents, that the reason it moved out in the first place was to be with its girlfriend and go on this adventure of self discovery, and now, five years later, it is having to pack up its independence and go back to its parents sort of in defeat, having discovered and lost and rediscovered itself hundreds of times, talking-but-not-talking to the same girl except now she’s married to its best friend. it supposes the points of time and the specific events inevitably want to draw it into this very somber big picture view. it needs to remember, like it said last night in a conversation, that its not so much that anything is ending but that there is something new beginning, that we are really moving to a new stage of our journey, and this does comfort it. This was the thought that kept it afloat throughout the hard work and painful nostalgia of the day, and this was made so perfect when Mistress contacted it and expressed Her concern for the tough time it was having. When She did that, as it was driving back from dropping things off at the storage at its dad’s, tears still drying on its face, it felt its heart leap. Once it was actually out of that house and out of that emotional space, and once it was reminded of how wonderful the destiny it is heading to is, it made it realize that maybe indeed all of it happens for a purpose, that something even greater and more beautiful is being revealed to it out of broken parts. it will be difficult to have to live with its parents but…it’s not a defeat, because in its heart its not really there. it is already with Master and Mistress, and their Ownership is a fortress no army or weapon can break down.