Destiny 7/18/2011 - 7/24/2011

7-18-11

      Today it was very happy to have a conversation on the phone with its sister. Master and Mistress were gracious enough to permit us unmonitored time to talk, and slave was able to learn a lot about sister and what it was like for her to serve Master and Mistress. it will have to talk to her further to get a complete understanding, but it very much liked talking to its sister, she is such a very nice and interesting person, it looks forward to serving Master and Mistress alongside her. While Mistress has very kindly told it that it does not have to share what we talked about, it will still reflect here that while it was really excited and enlightened by sister describing her experiences, it still can’t fill in the gaps in its imagination. it knows it will be so very different for it to serve Master and Mistress, that even with its sister’s help it still doesn’t really know what to expect. it trusts that as the time of its arrival approaches it will come to understand more and more clearly, and knows and hopes even further that its expectations will be nothing in comparison to the reality.

7-19-11

      Things were mostly quiet today journal. it felt very peaceful performing its affirmation, it was very calm and able to focus easily on its service, which was refreshing since it still has trouble with anxiousness during its affirmation. While it didn’t work much on its service today it was slightly buoyed by further thoughts such as the ones its been having, that at this very moment its sister is serving Master and Mistress, and that therefore all of us are focusing more on the relationship itself at the moment and thus, even if it is not present, it is more connected and thus feels more connected, which is nice. it hopes it will hear more from its sister and Master and Mistress about what has happened during this time together, at least in so far as it is useful in its service to Master and Mistress to know such. it really hopes everything is going well with sister and Master and Mistress, but, if it is anything like it seemed as though it was from what it heard yesterday, it is sure things are going very well. it so wishes it could be serving Master and Mistress alongside sister there now too.

7-20-11

      it is writing this entry quickly before it leaves to spend the night. it has just performed its affirmation, and it feels very placid again. it was rather emotional earlier, as it has had a very interesting conversation with Mistress through texts which it will now record for you, journal. Mistress was sad this morning when sister had to leave, and it made it very sad also. it feels selfish, but the main thing it made it think about was its own distance from Master and Mistress, and how long it will have to wait to be with Master and Mistress. Mistress comforted it in this though; it made it very happy when Mistress told it She could not see a future without Her slaves at Her feet, and it makes it this very warm feeling of belonging (which is appropriate, it supposes, since it more than belongs, it is owned!) and that the time when it would have the incredible pleasure of being at Master and Mistress feet was approaching faster all the time (indeed, it is hard for it to imagine that all this time has passed already. it seems like all of this could have happened in a few days to it. Again, it supposes time does not exist for slaves, which is both freeing and terrifying.) its conversation with Mistress, even though it started off sad, made it very happy and very emotionally connected with Master and Mistress, who it truly does love and love to serve. it was also excited when Mistress mentioned that She was editing pictures They took of sister in her positions so that it may study them, which it is sure will be really helpful, since everyone seems to use a different system and theres no point in learning any one other than Master and Mistress’. Mistress also told it to record and send Her all of its conversations with its sister which, while it wasn’t unexpected, it realized it found a little uncomfortable. it doesn’t have any problems with this at all, as it fully understands the loss of privacy is entirely a part of its training and its slave identity, but it admits it will probably take getting used to. it loves learning to love things -- even restrictions -- it initially thought it would hate, and it has been getting evidence for this fact repeatedly and rapidly recently.  

7-21-11

      it feels bad that, while it has not been punished or explicitly chastised by Master and Mistress, it has clearly slipped in its performance. it knew it should not have cut the time it intended to wake up from its nap so close to its affirmation, but it got careless, it supposes. it has become such a habit, performing the affirmations, that it realizes it has almost become de-sensitized to it. it needs to devote more of its energy to recognizing the purpose and intent of the affirmation, not seeing it as merely a ‘ritual’ (it would do well to remember its training about the proper attention and habit-breaking in magickal rituals to guide it on this!) Perhaps changing up the times when it performs it will help this? it is not sure. At any rate, because of its carelessness it got in a situation where it hadn’t finished its conversation with Mistress before the last time it could begin its affirmation to finish on time, and so it had to beg for leniency, which Mistress, Who is so incredibly gracious and kind and forgiving of its weaknesses permitted it to still perform its affirmation in this way, but it still concerns it. it does not want to stray, it feels like it needs to find a way to focus its energy more intently on Master and Mistress during this time apart in addition to its affirmation, but it is not sure how…again, the root problem that it doesn’t know how to guide itself. it must just stick unwaveringly to the one Master and Mistress have set before it. 

7-22-11

      After its long day at work, during which little happened (it laments that the almost ecstatic feeling it had been having during its otherwise lame work time by busying itself with thoughts of Master and Mistress has subsided, as it imagines all heady ‘love-rushes’ of that nature must, but still it laments) it had a delightful conversation with Mistress. it was very sad to hear that Her computer had crashed, but was also confident that She would be able to fix it, as She did. When Mistress talked on the phone to it we discussed this slightly. it felt bad during this part of the conversation, because it seemed like it was just completely failing to articulate what it was trying to communicate. it supposes it might have a lot to do with what we were specifically talking about, the general cliche about mac users being that they are stuck up and do nothing but hate on PCs, but it had always used a PC and, if it had the money and only for the fun of it, would probably build a PC from scratch again, but its mac just suits its needs so well right now. This is a digression, the point is that it was trying to express to Mistress that it thought She was absolutely right and that She was well justified in choosing PCs especially if She wants to play games, but Mistress seemed to think it was trying to push its side, when it was actually trying to surrender. it actually at the moment thinks it kind of humorous since it can recognize the inherent flaw which makes the communication difficult -- and dear journal must pardon this silly digression -- that as a slave all its utterances are stated passively, intrinsically they are unassertive, but unassertion is closely associated with surrender or submission, and so since it is trying to actively and projectively assert the fact of a yielding, in a situation in which all its utterances are inherently made passively and forcelessly, especially since it is talking in this case to its Mistress, and so it has kind of double-negatively cancelled itself out in that it is trying to actively admit its passive stance through speaking actively while in a completely passive role. Uhhh, it feels like it has gone cross eyed. Further than this, Mistress reminded it of a few things that are coming up, and reassured it further that not much time remained until it is able to be with Master and Mistress, which certainly comforted it.

7-23-11

      it does not have much to report journal, as it is quite late now and imagines Master and Mistress have gone to bed and so it will not be in contact with them further tonight most likely.  it will discuss one point that came up earlier. When it contacted Mistress to inform Master and Mistress of it performing its affirmation,  it enjoyed talking to Mistress very much as usual and obediently informing Her of its affirmation and, by extension, its devotion, but as the last thing She said to it She told it that Master and Mistress love Their pet, and at first it was confused. it responded in vague way because at first it thought Mistress might be referring to something else (had Master and Mistress gotten a dog?) simply because Master and Mistress have never referred to it as pet. it recognizes now since there was nothing further that Mistress was indeed referring to it, and so since it has gone this far down this ramble it supposses it will take this opportunity to mention how much it *really* enjoyed Mistress referring to it as pet and how much it likes pet-play in general. Though it recognizes Mistress could have just been saying this as a general affectionate expression, it has also noted that Master and Mistress list pony/puppy roleplay under their intrests on CM, so it may not be completely out of left field. While, as it has admitted to Master and Mistress, it has never been in any relationship where BDSM in general was a consistent element, one of the only play activities it ever did get to enjoy quite a bit was very extensive and reciprocal kitten play with its one long term girlfriend. it never went farther than adopting the behaviors (no cat ears or anything) but it was extremely satisfying for it, it is sure it could wax on about how delightful it is to let go of words and human socialization, communicating only with little desperate mewls and expressing only with warmly curled purring bodies, tentative licks and possessive little bites, its…ahhh. The luxurious languor, playful pampering, and innocent freedom all granted by a benevolent and powerful Owner often associated with certain kinds of pet play were the sorts of fantasies that initially aroused its interest in submission, although it also enjoys the formalities and developmental structure of its present form of training and service, and sees it has in general many more avenues to helping the submissive develop, while the petplay is necessarily sort of regressional. Nonetheless it very much enjoyed thinking about Master and Mistress treating it like Their pet. Anyway, so while it realizes that so little a thing setting it off indicates it probably is just looking for an excuse, but this made it very happy and it spent most of its time driving around at work fantasizing about Master and Mistress and belonging to Them.

7-24-11

      Journal, it has little to report today. it spent most of the day with its dad, and so did little with reference to its service, although throughout its visit it kept focused on the fact that it was going to do its affirmation as soon as it got home, and so again, as it has been, tried to find little mental tricks for focusing its energy on Master and Mistress and trying to maintain that sense of connectedness in addition to its affirmation and journal. it is now writing this entry to send along with the rest of its journal as Mistress has just commanded it, since She lost its journal in Her computer crash. it has made it think more about the significance of the journal, and so it will take this entry to reflect some more on its journal keeping practice. Okay, so in its mind the way it internally fires up the engine of its internal submission to Master and Mistress on a day-to-day basis kind of depends on three pillars: its affirmation, its journal, and its communication with Master and Mistress about those two, in addition to any service. The two activities kind of represent functions in the consciousness of slave and the means through which psychological functions are carried out in its slave-mind. In the simple analogy of a computer system, the direct interactions it has with Master and Mistress are the input, the affirmation is the way it does its processing (essentially, to emotionally ‘lay it all at the feet’ of Master and Mistress and let go of any conflict in the submission), and the journal is the way it stores the contents of the processing, or the output (this is the way it receptively or internally experiences the submission; which, if it takes this slightly absurd analogy further, it supposes entails that while this cycle is what internally causes the maintenance of that submissive consciousness, the fact of its maintenance enables another externalizing cycle, the behaviors it expresses back out to Master and Mistress as service, in which the ‘journal’s’ equivalent are memories of how to serve in this case becoming the input, the ‘affirmation’ or in this case the active in the moment will to submit (even as the affirmation is a passive, non-time-specific will to submit) the processing which converts the knowledge into the submission itself which is expressed back out as the output of its service. Anyway it reeeeeallly digresses…) it likes the fact that both activities keep it connected in general to its service to Master and Mistress, but in particular the journal is helpful because while the affirmation is always the same the journal always is recording something different, and it is the delightful combination between the two, the activity that is always the same and the other that is always changing, when it sees in both the change and the sameness the reality of its submission to Master and Mistress is always present, through the reunification of the properties of change and stability the underlying fact of the timelessness of its submission to Master and Mistress is revealed when the lenses of the journal and the affirmation are jointly looked through. Because of the journal it can see the highs and lows and how they weave into a higher harmony, and because of the affirmation it can in a single instant be reunited with the whole of that harmony -- which is perfect peace and purposefulness; meaning in being in its proper place in the universe at the feet of Master and Mistress.