Destiny 7/11/2011 - 7/17/2011

7-11-11

      Today it turned in its journal to Master and Mistress, and was surprised to have a very interesting phone conversation with Them. it realizes, as it looks back over the entries from last week, that indeed it was in a confusing space on several days and it sees how Master and Mistress could have very appropriately reacted to what it wrote with concern, but it feels much better now. Mistress allayed any concerns it had very well by going over them in detail in our conversation, and the copious praise She gave it made it realize that its feelings of disconnection and doubt in relation to Master and Mistress are, most likely, just phantoms from its past relationships trying to manifest themselves now. From the sound of Mistress’ voice, it was concerned that perhaps it had said something it didn’t mean to, or something it said had been taken the wrong way, as She sounded almost upset when we spoke. it made it feel so guilty. it does not want Master and Mistress to think that it doesn’t appreciate everything They do for it, or that slave was unhappy with Master and Mistress, which is certainly not the case. it knows Master and Mistress care for it, and it cares very deeply for Master and Mistress. Sometimes its hard to communicate its feelings, though the formality of our dynamic makes it comfortable because it always is worrying that it is saying something wrong if it doesn’t have a structure to go by, sometimes it does make deeper things more difficult to say. What its getting at, skew wise, is that it was very touched by how concerned Master and Mistress seemed to be for it, even though it is shamed that it inadvertently caused that concern. it gives it a very thoughtful feeling, it must consider all this more.

7-12-11

      slave is so very happy today. Master and Mistress are so wonderful to it. Mistress was texting it much earlier in the day, and She was being so sweet to it. it keeps thinking about the things She said to it, She was obviously trying to be very sweet to it and it makes it feel so overjoyed, it makes it feel so special that Mistress thinks it is deserving of Her praise and affection. Mistress told it was being a good girl which made it especially happy, but it honestly feel like it has done so little or so poorly. if it has been good at all, it has only been because Master and Mistress have shown it the right way to go. Before it hardly had the strength or emotional energy to take care of itself, but since Master and Mistress have owned it it has felt such an incredible burst of energy and enthusiasm for everything. That initial burst is wearing off but it still hopes it will be able to be good for Master and Mistress. Mistress even told it that Master and Mistress that They love Their slaves, which pushed it even further over the top. it perhaps expected that it had done well enough that Master and Mistress had become fond of it (which all the exceptionally kind and generous things They say and do for it being no small indicator) but it really made it happy to hear it, and to tell Her back that it loves being owned by Master and Mistress, which it hopes They will understand does not only refer to that aspect of our dynamic but to its feelings for Them apart from that. it is still almost embarrassed about how deeply attached it has grown to Master and Mistress in such a short time. Although perhaps being very attached emotionally is understandable given the circumstances, since is it not attached literally?  *sigh,* journal, it wants to write down all the things that were said to remember, but that would not be the point of the journal, it will digress. it will record, however, also that it was overjoyed that it pleased Master and Mistress such that They saw fit to give it the wonderful reward of pleasing itself and moreover being able to share that with Master and Mistress. it is terribly excited by this, on so many levels. it is even writing this entry now biding its time for its roommates to go to sleep so it can begin…it so hopes it does a job worthy of this gift Master and Mistress have given it. it show wants to show itself to Master and Mistress, it so wants to make Them happy as They have made it so happy.

7-13-11

      Journal, it has so many things to write about tonight. Last night it made its video for Master and Mistress, which was obviously very exciting, but apart from being very pleasantly surprised that Master and Mistress seemed to be so pleased by it (which makes it *so* happy that Master and Mistress have seen some of what it is capable of and that it is able to be enticing to Them) the rest is already recorded so it will not discuss it. it did some reading on various topics like Mistress instructed it to do, although it is beginning to find that a lot of the articles are saying the same things. it feels it is beginning the approach the limit of what it can learn through reading and will probably need to begin gaining experience to move further. it was also very interested in a question Mistress asked it n between its first and second conversations with its sister. She asked it what it thought was going to happen on its first night with Master and Mistress. the specifics of what it said are recorded in the chat log so it won’t belabor the journal, but it made it consider the question more deeply. A lot of its fantasies about being with Master and Mistress have been focused on that first night (for obvious reasons, since that's when it will begin) but apart from its flights of fancy Mistress asking for it to describe in concrete terms what it thought would happen made it realize that, apart from the specific things Master and Mistress have told it, that it truly has no idea what will happen or anything that Master and Mistress have in store for it. it supposes that is what is so seductive about the whole thing for it. it has no control over and no knowledge of the situation, it is completely being carried along by the grace of Master and Mistress, and that is like a dream. Tonight it also had a very long conversation with its sister slave erin. it is very pleased to record that it and its sister have a lot in common, we share a huge number of interests. it thinks that it and its sister will get along very well and looks forward to interacting with her further and learning more about her.

7-14-11

      Journal, it is writing in you very late so it will write very little. it has just put together the collage of pictures for its inventory and is about to go to bed. it does want to record some interesting things that happened today though. it talked with Mistress back and forth about its sister. For one, she allayed its concerns about the different styles of our submission. it concerned it when it saw her making submissive gestures or saying things in a more formal way than it would, and it made it feel like perhaps it was doing something wrong that Master and Mistress were just choosing not to correct it about, or if even not that it would begin to look bad in comparison if its natural style of expressing its obedience to Master and Mistress was less expressive. it will put its trust in what Mistress said to it though, it is sure that its true feelings will shine through in its own way of expressing them, and even though it knew it already it is very glad that Master and Mistress appreciate their slave’s individuality, as it knows there are many Dominants who do not. Also, it appreciated the idea that Mistress told it that Master and Mistress want it and its sister slave to become as sisters in all but blood. it was half joking in the comment it made to this effect in an earlier entry, but when Mistress said this it made it realized how wonderful it would be to have someone it could confide in on that level. it really is remarkable how we are all becoming like a little family, it thinks it is very beautiful. 

7-15-11

      While it spent most of its day away at work, it was buoyed all day long by Master and Mistress praising it so extensively for the work it has done on its inventory. While it very gladly and graciously accepts Master and Mistress thinking it did its work beyond what was expected, it wonders even how else one would do an inventory. it makes it happy though that it is able to do work of high quality that is impressive to Master and Mistress, and indeed it wants to show Them more and more that it can be very capable and effective when its abilities are put to use by people as wisely guiding and directing as Master and Mistress. Not much else happened today in relation to its service. it wishes it could get past this style of journaling, the ‘this happened and then than that happened and this is what i thought about it’ etc. etc. it wishes it could get into a deeper state with it and use it less as a record and more as a communication tool, even if only with itself. it is very prone to just talking on and on when it gets introspective, and it is at a comfortable place now that it doesn’t, at least at this very moment, feel the need for a lot of discursive introspection. While there is still a lot it is confused about, a lot it is uncertain about, a lot it doesn’t know, it doesn’t really know what direction to take these feelings, no amount of contemplation is going to move it further along, it feels like it needs actually experience more or uncover something before it moves past this particular point in its development. it wants more to do or more ways to interact with Master and Mistress, but it knows a lot of the limitations in this regard are its own fault due to its situation, and that it has no right to make demands on Maaster and Mistress because its needs but instead needs only to direct itself to what They desire. it just wishes so desperately that it could actually get to it. October seems like eternity away.

7-16-11

      Journal, again it has little to report today, and it is tired after work and visiting with its family. it did the affirmation in the early afternoon, and it felt more at peace after some of the unsettling feelings it was having yesterday. it was also very pleased to hear when Mistress messaged it and told it that its sister was sleeping there with Them. How exciting! it makes it so thrilled to think that all of this is happening right now. it feels, in a way, that this is vicariously happening to it, that it is there also somehow, that through this it will get into a window into its own first night with Master and Mistress. Certainly tomorrow will be very exciting for Master and Mistress and its sister.

7-17-11

      All day slave has been thinking about what must be going on right now between Master and Mistress. They have told it that she has signed the contract now, and so our family, as Mistress has said, has indeed grown, and it is very happy with the rest of us. it does feel disconnected from whats happening, but it knows that it is there in spirit, it finds comfort in thinking that at this very moment sister is there serving Master and Mistress, and it is sure she will do so good of a job that it hopes its own presence and service will be felt. it still wishes it could do more. it does not want to fall out of the loop between the four of us just because it is not there at this moment and will not be there for some time, it will just have to try harder to demonstrate its obedience and service through its communications with Master and Mistress. perhaps it will be able to make it up when it is actually in Master and Mistress’ presence. So many things are happening in its life, even outside of this relationship and especially pertaining to it, it feels like everything in its life is kind of coming to a head all at once, but in the center of that storm it is able to feel some calm thinking about Master and Mistress and hoping that its service is valuable to Them. When Mistress told it that its sister was rubbing Her feet, it made it want desperately to be able to serve Master and Mistress in some way, to be able to make Them happy. it wishes so badly it could give something to them. *sigh,* its going nowhere with these thoughts, its said them all before. it just has to keep doing what its told and focusing on the future, it just has to keep submitting. it will be very illuminating, its sure, when it learns what has happened between Master and Mistress and its sister in more detail.