Destiny 10/17/2011 - 10/23/2011

10-17-11

Journal today was another interesting if quiet day. it woke up from restless sleep feeling quite upset and full of doubt, it was in a very sad place and felt so lonely and full of doubt and like something was going to go horribly wrong, but after it laid in the living room and fell asleep again for awhile it felt better. Then it just cleaned the bathroom and read a little bit before Mistress and sister came home. Apparently she had a very exciting day at work and it was very happy for her. Then we watched Paranormal Activity and it enjoyed it quite a lot, unfortunately afterwards we carried our conversation about the supernatural and demons too far and sis’s evil spirit got attracted to all the attention. Mistress and it did our best to try to clear her energy field, luckily it cleared up after we made dinner and got her mind off of it. it will have to learn to be more cautious when discussing these things around her, as owing to its beliefs and understanding about the nature of spirit it does not fear them in the same way but understands how they can be manipulated, but it does not want to attract negative energy especially since it knows she is so sensitive. Anyway afterwards Mistress decided to let sister’s dragoness come out, which was a *lot* of fun. it was so cool to see her dragon, the way she acted towards Mistress and particularly this one; it really enjoyed the way she dominated it with claws and growls and physically forcing it’s body down…honestly, even though it is very happy to submit to Mistress and Master knowing that is it’s place and doing it without any resistance, but something very, very deep inside it responds instantly and powerfully to being physically dominated, seeing the way Mistress subdued sister’s dragon almost made it jealous, again it knows it would never resist Mistress or Master in any way but it still longs to feel Them force and subdue it’s body in a more physical, even violent way, like the way it saw them wrestling tonight, it awakens something animalistic and pure within it. Anyway essentially it had a ton of fun getting to meet sister’s dragon for the first time and very much looks forward to new interactions with her. Then we played MTG, it held it’s own once again but ultimately lost, but that was OK. Shortly thereafter we started watching How to train your Dragon, which it really enjoyed, it was just soooooo cute. Now Mistress has gone to bed and we will be soon after. Anyway it doesn’t know what else to say about today except that it had a lot of fun and was so grateful for getting to spend most of the day with Mistress and sister… it reminds this one how much it really owes Mistress everything, She always makes it so happy, it enjoyed putting it’s head down at Her knees beside its sister, it made it feel so complete and intimate with Her at that moment, it can’t wait for what will happen tomorrow.

10-18-11

Journal today was kind of a quiet, recuperating kind of day. For one thing Mistress’ neck was hurting very badly, worse than last night so She stayed home, it felt so sorry for Her but it was glad that it was able to wait on Her a little more than usual and it was glad that by midday She seemed to be feeling a little bit better. When Mistress was lamenting our financial situation it offered to get a job again and this time She said yes (apparently it was just misunderstanding what She said about it last time but) so it’s glad now that it has an interview set up and is very glad that it will hopefully be able to help out the household in this way too. it washed the dishes that had piled up from yesterday and afterwards we watched the first episode of firefly which it very much enjoyed. Then we got a chance to help Mistress finish making the lunch She started making yesterday and it was so very delicious, it loves the way She ‘experiments’ with ingredients and looks forward to the day when it’s good enough at cooking to do the same. Afterwards we watched the third transformers movie which it also very much enjoyed, and then we had a short video chat with sis’s close friend Ori, it got to actually meet him this time and he was very nice. We all played league of legends together and though it was very, very frustrating as playing that game always is at least it’s team won one time. Afterwards its sis was feeling and looking very sick and so Mistress allowed it to go and get some medicine for her. Anyway journal as you can probably tell not a lot happened today but it did make it very, very happy that it was able to help both Mistress and sis feel a little better while they were sick, it makes it so very happy when it is able to help others feel better, especially Mistress or Master or sister, it makes it feel like it is actually useful and has a purpose, which is so important for this one, kind of like what sis and this one were talking about in the car this morning, the most important thing for a slave is to be able to live for another, that it gets its pleasure from pleasing others, and, if nothing else happened today, it is happy that it was perhaps able to do that a little bit.

10-19-11

Journal tonight was *so* wonderful! But before it gets to that it needs to tell you about what happened last night and today. Well last night it took one of the vitamin C pills it got for sis and it got stuck. it went to bed hoping it would clear itself up but it woke up about an hour later feeling like it couldn’t breathe and for some reason really, really scared. it got up and told Master about it and tried a bunch of things to make it better but nothing helped, it was really painful and it couldn’t explain why but it was just so afraid of choking to death, again it knows it probably sounds really silly and weak but it put it in a very humble place. Anyway when Master went to bed He told Mistress about it and She came out and comforted this one, afterwards it felt a little better and was able to go to sleep. When it woke up it felt a little better in terms of not choking but the pill was obviously still there and it’s throat was really sore. it felt really lazy but eventually it got up and did the dishes and such. After a little while Mistress and sis came home and we didn’t do much from there, sis and this one watched a few episodes of MLP and took short nap. When we woke up is when things really started getting interesting. We started getting ready for the BDSM meet & greet, which was really fun because we all got done up and Mistress even helped this one do it’s eye shadow better. We arrived and the restaurant was much different from what it expected, it felt a little strange walking in but also special at the same time. it was so amazing to be in our roles in public in front of so many like minded people, especially with our collars on, it was *so* excited just sitting there. There were many nice people there it got to meet and it got to hear a few interesting stories, and again it was so nice being able to be in public and comfortable as a slave with it’s Mistress and Master and sister. Mistress allowed us to drink a little and before long we were both quite tipsy (well to be honest sister was drunk, hehe) and we were totally cutting up and fooling around, joking and laughing all together, sis was tickling this one so much and even played with this one with her crystals (which caused one of the people watching us to say our playing was cute, like kittens, it made this one so happy to hear that) Mistress also demonstrated some of sister’s hypnosis to the others which was so neat and funny to watch, hehe, it hopes it will be able to be humiliated in public like that at some point. Anyway then there was the raffle and as the very first thing Mistress and Master one this absolutely *amazing* set of custom made ankle cuffs, we were so lucky it can’t wait for Mistress and Master to use them on us. Anyway shortly thereafter we left, it was just so, so very happy, it had such a wonderful time, it hadn’t realized at all how badly it wanted to be around accepting people in the place it belongs with Mistress and Master, it was absolutely in heaven. Anyway we had a little adventure getting food and it was just so much fun being in the back seat with sis while she was drunk and this one was tipsy, she is just too cute like that. Anyway we ate and are going to bed now. In short journal what it learned tonight was that while initially it didn’t know what meeting others in the scene was going to be like and how it was going to respond it realized it kind of craves not even necessarily the contact with others but being a part of Mistress’ household and being displayed to others as hers, as well as supposes being out with our little family enjoying the world together. it feels so whole with all of us, it feels like nothing can stop us when we’re together. Taken with the lesson it learned last night it guesses it has been reminded since it’s journal just how important Mistress and Master are to it and how much being a slave has become a part of it’s identity, how soothing it is in times of trouble and what incredible heights it can make it’s heart soar to. it can’t wait for us to go out to many of the other things Mistress and Master have it planned for us to go to…in general it is just so excited and so hopeful for the future. For the first time in a very long time it feels like it is exactly where it belongs.

10-20-11

Journal today was a really quiet day, not a whole lot happened. it went and got it’s replacement SS card but will have to go again tomorrow since it screwed up the address. it got home and did a few chores and mostly waited for Mistress to get home since Master was asleep. sis got home and we talked a bit which was nice. Anyway when Mistress got home if found out that apparently She has caught sis’s cold which it was sad to hear. it was thankful She went and rested to feel better, and in the meanwhile sis and this one found a list of job leads for Master. Anyway while we were waiting to make dinner sis and this one cuddled and took a little nap, unfortunately she is still feeling quite sick as well. Mistress and Master got back up but sis was still asleep and feeling ill so it was glad that it got to make dinner for everyone, Mistress’ suggestion was really simple to make and it thinks it did a good job. Anyway from there we just went on our computers, it was glad that it was feeling a little inspired and was able to make some progress on it’s non-fiction book (it’s still moving at a terribly slow rate but it will try not to beat itself up as that just makes it so full of anxiety about it that it doesn’t want to work on it at all, which is what it’s been doing for years now) anyway Mistress and Master went to bed early in order for Mistress to feel better and also we will have a very full morning tomorrow, clearing out the storage, this one going to it’s interview and then back to the SS office, so it will try to go to bed early. it will admit it’s a little nervous but it knows everything will be OK regardless of how it goes. Anyway sis sent it a story she was working on and it really enjoyed it, it wishes she wouldn’t beat herself so much about her abilities, she’s really quite good at a lot of things and has a beautiful imagination and understands quite a lot of things that most people don’t. Anyway, it doesn’t really have any observations to make tonight unfortunately, so it will just hope that everyone will be feeling better tomorrow.

10-21-11

Journal today was a very eventful but also very frustrating day. it slept up very poorly after having many very strange dreams that it very seriously couldn’t tell if they were reality or not. Then we went and cleared out the storage which was fun, especially since while we were waiting Mistress gave it a hint about the upcoming surprise and it is very excited now. Anyway Mistress also took us to the bank and to get it’s brake light fixed which it was very grateful for. From there it went to it’s interview which went well from this one’s perspective, but it isn’t very confident about how it will turn out. From there going to the social security office was a disaster and it will have to jump through many more hoops now to get a card. Anyway it was starting to feel really sick. When it got home however it did get to see the wonderful surprise that while it was out Mistress and Master and sister went to get the gaming table Mistress has been talking about for a while, it’s so cool! Anyway we went and got some electronics stuff we needed and did groceries which was fun, but it’s head really wasn’t in it because it was getting really sick, also everyone seemed to think it was it’s fault about the card not working, and it was kind of feeling bad because people were making a lot of misstatements so it was feeling like it wasn’t passing very well. Anyway by the time we finished groceries it had kind of gotten out of it’s bad mood, even though physically it was feeling a lot worse. Mistress treated sis and this one to fake Chinese food which was so delicious, it even has enough left over for lunch tomorrow. We set up the computers, unfortunately it feels like it wasn’t very helpful since it was so sick. From there we mostly were just on our computers, sis showed it some cool stuff in second life (also today she shared with it some of her first online M/s experiences which it has found *very* interesting) but she was feeling unwell so she has gone to sleep on the floor right here by the computers, and this one suspects it will not be up much longer the way it is feeling. But overall even though there were a lot of ups and downs it was a good day, it learned it can maintain it’s self control even when it is really, really upset, that it can kind of work well under pressure, and saw how incredibly generous Mistress is, and very important as well, that even after instances where it is feeling really upset and having inappropriate feelings it also feels so natural when everything settles down and very quickly thereafter everything is healed thanks to Mistress and Master. it hopes it’s sickness does not get any worse and it feels a little better tomorrow, it certainly hopes Mistress and sis are all better tomorrow. Anyway it wonders what will happen tomorrow once again journal.

10-22-11

Ah journal today was so such a bleh day. it woke up feeling really, really sick, like it hardly could get out of bed, but waking up was when a lot of the interesting stuff happened. it was having a very strange dream. there were lots of twists and turns and it was a very long dream which it doesn’t remember most of, it seemed to be of the same genre of dreams which it has been having every night for almost two weeks now about meeting up with old friends and having a going away party, but in this instance it was at a going away party at it’s first house with all of its mom’s side of the family who are really out of touch and it really doesn’t like, but this time Mistress was there, being very quiet sitting with everyone but just watching it, it tried to get in the swing of the party but then something came over it, it felt this burst of energy and in a very dramatic fashion it like, started peeling off its clothes (it was wearing like a suit and looking all ugly, since it’s not out to this side of the family) and underneath it was wearing lovely clothes and looking so beautiful, and it shouted out its identity expecting everyone to be angry and chase it out but all of the sudden everyone started clapping and cheering and being happy for it (except it’s grandparents who were still very angry with it) and it was just so overwhelmed with emotion that it began singing this very strange song…it was kind of sad when it woke up and realized it was a dream. Anyway it woke up and became upset right away because what awoke it was the sound of Mistress crying, such an unimaginably terrible way to wake up. Apparently it was all just an accident from Master’s dream but it still felt really bad for Her, and later when They were talking about it for quite some time and just kind of arguing back and forth it started to feel really depressed, it felt traumatized because it reminded it so strongly of growing up where everyone in the house was yelling all the time every day, it made it just want to run away; it asked Mistress for permission to take a bath and shave to get out so the feelings didn’t escalate. Anyway afterwards it felt a little better but it’s throat was much worse, and it was worrying about the fridge (even though apparently nothing was wrong… although it suspects this probably won’t be the last we hear of this) from there we really didn’t do much, mostly just taking it easy while we all try to recuperate. Mistress laid with it on the pet bed while we watched TV and it was *so* very happy to be so close to Her, it made it so happy and completely forgot being sick and ignored what was on TV, it wishes so badly it could be closer to Her more often. Anyway after sis got back it took a nap on the pet bed, it was feeling kind of lonely and desirous but calmed itself by drifting off to sleep, when it woke up we had the awesome chili that Mistress made, it was so good it has been a really long time since it has had real chili like that, and then we watched a movie that while it wasn’t very excited about it at first turned out to be really cool, all essentially about angels trying to manipulate people’s free will to follow a preordained path but ultimately free will influencing the flow of the path itself (much like the true nature of free will, not completely free since the environment only gives us a small set of options to work with but not entirely pre-determined since we are one of the determining factors in our environment, and our ability to exert change on the world varies based on how we leverage this, kind of the core principle of Thelema) although sis said that the ‘chairman’ (essentially the god in the movie) must have decided that these ones didn’t need free will, which it kind of disagrees with…at least from this one’s perspective, no one else forced this one to be a slave, unless you consider the unimaginably intense desire to submit to Mistress and Master it feels from the way They naturally are, it does not feel like it is a slave to its core but it chooses to be a slave for Them, and to this one that seems to be more meaningful, that as a fully apprehended choice it gives itself over, if it truly felt like it had no choice but to be a slave or was genuinely forced into being a slave that wouldn’t make handing itself over as meaningful, at least in this one’s eyes thinking about itself. also during the movie it got to cuddle some with sis which was really nice and helped calm it from some of the loneliness it was feeling earlier, it feels sad that because of her new schedule we pretty much won’t be able to sleep together anymore, although when we go to bed we’re both so tired that we don’t hardly have enough energy to even hug usually so it supposes it won’t be much different. Anyway from there we went back on our computers, it was kind of upset at sis for a moment because she has kind of gotten in the habit of talking over this one and telling this one to be quiet and always pointing out very obvious things like this one doesn’t know anything…it knows its not her fault, she is just trying to be helpful and in a lot of things she really does know a lot more and gives it helpful information, but it is a pet peeve of this one that it can’t stand to be silenced by someone it views as an equal (while on the contrary it feels the same kind of frustration but in a very pleasurable way when it is silenced by someone it sees as Dominant) but it knows she means well and we’ll work out our mode of interacting together as time goes on. Anyway not much else has happened it is feeling quite a lot better and hopes it will be better tomorrow (although it seems to get worse over night each night) Mistress and sis have gone to bed and it will shortly. it’s looking forward to everyone feeling better so we can get back in the normal swing of things, its really been missing the stuff we can’t do because of everything that’s been going on. it looks forward to tomorrow because it thinks we all might be pretty close to being better and will hopefully get the living room cleaned up and everything closer to back to normal. :)

10-23-11

         Journal today was a fairly interesting day.  it woke up from strange dreams again and first thing Mistress colored this one’s hair, it is *so* incredibly beautiful it makes it happy it feels so pretty with it this way, thank You so very much Mistress for the new hair color! Anyway from there it did Mistress’ hair and then went and did the laundry, and Mistress and this one had a very fun conversation about a whole range of things and it was wonderful, it felt so close to Mistress and so happy. Which of course as usual is when it had to screw things up… somehow it lost the laundry card right after Mistress put a lot of money on it, it was so ashamed and felt so sad and like such a total screw up, honestly sometimes it feels like it’s not being itself if it doesn’t mess everything up every other day or so. Anyway Mistress so thankfully said that She would punish it for what it did which made it feel better, it knows that if She punishes it then everything will be ok and it can move on. From there it put up the laundry and comforted sis who was really upset about something Ori said about Master, it tried to make her feel better but she was really dejected so it couldn’t do much. From there Mistress let us work on our ‘from each others perspective’ projects which it was able to finish with sis’ help and then it helped her with hers…also at this point she decided she was going to make this one her chew toy which, it will admit, it really enjoyed. she always teases it about how much it likes pain but it can’t help itself, its such a powerful and addictive feeling and the marks on it’s body afterwards are so pretty. Anyway we finished up and then hurried to get ready for the movie Mistress was being so sweet to treat us to. In the bathroom however while sis was getting her hair colored and this one was putting on makeup she was talking about how it was inevitable that Mistress’ kids would eventually come live with us and it would have to help raise them, which, as Mistress already knows, it has *extreme* difficulty with. she was kind of teasing it and especially from a comment she made during the movie it seems like she is going to try to get this one to like kids which is really not going to happen, it kind of showed weakness to her throughout the day about how difficult it is for this one and how hard it has to struggle to maintain being in this role when it comes so naturally to her, but when it said that the kids would make it really a whole lot harder for this one she at least empathized with it. Anyway from there we played around a bit more which was fun and hurriedly got ready for the movie which was exciting, it’s always so very happy when it gets to be out with Mistress and Master and the movie, even though it started slow turned out great (although it’s opinion was probably influenced by how much magick was involved in the movie, lol) and on the way back we had a good conversation about the paranormal, apparently sis wants this one to teach her some magick tomorrow which it is super excited about, although it thinks she may have some misplaced expectations about what is possible through magick and how it works. Anyway it’s going to be staying up a bit late tonight helping her stay up so she can get on her new schedule which should be fun. it’s glad we’re all better now and it’s looking forward to being able to share some of it’s interests with sis although it’s not sure how it will go, and in general that we’ll all be able to get back into the normal swing of things.