Destiny 10/10/2011 - 10/16/2011

10-10-11

Journal, it has many things it needs to tell you about, so much has happened today it can hardly believe it. it would like to go into a lot of detail but it is already quite late and there is much it still needs to get done tonight (and it has nearly hypnotized itself to sleep from what it is working on, but it will do its best to record the very many interesting things that have happened today) OK, well it guesses first it should mention some of the things that happened last night, mainly that we got to have a girls night in (eeeeee!) doing each others nails and watching the Life of Brian, which was so much fun, afterwards however Mistress showed it her friends on Facebook which was fun itself but later when she started talking to it about forced slaves she had been in contact with and even let it see some of her conversations with them it got really upset…then this morning we went and did groceries and such and sister was also telling it some very sad stories about other forced slaves and it just made it so, so upset, it felt like it was in danger, and even though it knows our relationship isn’t like that it still just felt terrified and had to calm the just panicked ‘fight-or-flight’ animistic response surging up from within it, not even in relation to anything, especially not Mistress as She was sitting across from it as it was being told this, just in a generalized way, and it especially felt really stupid and like it was bad and wrong and perhaps deserved to have something bad happen to it when, after it said it only came over because it felt like it trusted Mistress and both She and sister said ‘well yeah but these people are trained to get them to trust you, you can’t tell at all, that’s the whole point’ and it was just felt like so completely having no idea how to respond, the most horrible feeling, like it was wrong for trusting Mistress because it truly couldn’t have known and it was going to end up dead or pursuing its path but yet the very person telling it all of this is the One who is asking it to trust Her with everything…and it just felt so ‘damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don’t’ and stupid because it actually does trust Her and love Her and at the same time stupid for believing that all of this was just like some kind of very sweet game to help people get to deeper states of intimacy and connection than is possible through normal relationship dynamics when people are actually being maimed and killed because of ideas like this, it just turned its stomach and it felt like it didn’t want anything to do with it, but…it stepped away for a second and felt better and when it walked back it realized it did trust Her and Them and that if it was being led like a lamb to the slaughter, even if it couldn’t tell from having talked to Master and Mistress for so long and feeling so much like it could tell that They are trust worthy, then at least it would go down with a genuinely pure feeling of love and devotion in its heart. Anyway it needs to get off this line, the rest of the day was actually wonderful and trying to tease out these emotions is just bringing it down. We came back and played some games and looked at cool star wars videos and then it got to talk to Mistress best friend who was very, very nice to this one and seemed like a really cool guy, it felt so embarrassed the way he was praising this one and it was also fun since he was kind of at arms length about the nature of our relationship and it was fun kind of alluding to it like we all had a naughty secret together (which it supposes we do) but later on it felt terrible about the praising though because apparently sister was being hurt because she felt like she was being compared unfavorably which is so not true, it hurts this one to think that its beloved sister is hurt by the way it looks, when sis first told this one that its presence made her feel less than it felt more ashamed than ever, it just wanted to run away because (and this feeling is kind of a root of its submissiveness) the last thing it ever wants to do is hurt anything and especially not someone it cares for like its sister. Anyway it tried to make its sis feel better from this but its afraid it just made it worse, its so not used to being compared to favorably, it was always put down so much growing up that it isn’t even used to the notion that others might be envious of it…it will strive to do better and be more empathetic. Anyway at least Mistress picked up on it afterwards and made everything all better, it still feels so guilty for it and wishes it knew how to tone itself down or be less flashy so it doesn’t make anyone else feel bad. it also got to talk to its friend who it hadn’t in a while and he was very upset because he was having relationship problems and also because he missed this one very much, this one was his only really close friend that related to him on his level and that made it very sad that it had hurt him too. it was so strange, it didn’t feel really appreciated at all back home but as soon as it made a motion to leave everyone started freaking out…its all so confusing to this one. Anyway, but then for real things got a lot better, Mistress and Master took Their slaves into the bedroom and did all sorts of absolutely wonderful things to us, showing this one many new kinds of play it had never experienced before, when it got unbound after it had come it felt in such pure bliss, it felt so very very happy and its aura was actually wide open and radiating energy across a huge area in a very strange and wonderful way, it was truly in heaven and felt so close to them, like we were all one. it could go into detail about the specifics about what was done to this one but it would just be a waste of words, what was important and what it really felt was that through the pleasure and the pain it was taken to a place it really has only been perhaps once or twice before, thanks to its beloved Master and Mistress, it just, *argh*, it wishes it knew how to describe what it was feeling, its so frustrating, it was just so perfect, it felt like it was exactly where it belonged, the way They made its body vibrate, the looks in Their eyes…it wishes it knew how to tell you journal but it will just wax poetic fruitlessly if it tries…afterwards it was disappointed in itself a little when it was given to the opportunity to service Master and Mistress, it feels like it didn’t do a very good job and wasn’t very pleasing to Them even though They reassured it and gave it good ratings afterwards, then we all kind of hung out talking about fantasy games and Mistress fed this one ice cream which was so wonderful. Anyway this entry has gone on far longer than it intended and it still has work to do so it will say goodnight and hopes that through many more days like today it will somehow find words to describe the feelings that Mistress and Master are awakening in its heart.

10-11-11

Journal today was it’s sister kajira’s birthday! YAY! it was a very interesting day with many twists and turns. it thought it was just going to have to wait at home for her to get back from her appointment but it was awoken by her asking it to come with. Looking back it is *so* very glad that it went with her and was able to help her out, otherwise she probably would’ve been more upset when things kind of went wrong at the doctors office. it won’t belabor the details too much because she will probably record most of them in her journal but because of the doctor’s screw up and the lame insurance sis couldn’t get her hormones and she was really upset and thinking that her hatch day was going to be bad like apparently the past few had been for her, it made this one so very sad because it cares for its sis so very much and wanted her special day to be very very happy so it worked really hard to keep her cheered up.  Thankfully once we got home things were better, she got a hypnosis session from a professional hypnotist and it seemed to be really really effective for her and it made it so happy for her. We played some games and then Mistress finally got home and made it all better by figuring out a way sis could get her medicine (online) and letting her use Her patches until it arrived, it knew Mistress would know how to make everything better and it was so glad, from that things went so much better. We had an insane tickle fight in which this one was pretty much decimated by her (but it’ll admit, it very much enjoyed it) then Mistress and Master took us to Dave and Busters which was really fun, we got to all share dinner, Mistress used sis’s new trigger just as the server was walking up and she came very hard, it was so cute because she was so embarrassed but i’m pretty sure she still enjoyed it, and then we got to play a bunch of fun games, this one and its sis almost beat all of a shooting game which was super fun but we saved our last tokens for other games, then she won jackpot on one of those spinney games on the first try! The tickets just kept coming, then we played deal or no deal and we ended up earning a lot of tickets for Mistress and Masters_’ collection, and it was so happy and excited just walking around in such a lively place with it’s sis and Master and Mistress. We went and got some cake for her which Mistress and Master will hopefully feed to her from Their hands tomorrow and then when we got home sis got to have her 22 birthday smacks from all three of us (this one was very surprised it got to join in, its were pretty ineffective especially since she had just been hit by Master’s legendary ass-smacks but it was still a lot of fun) and then Mistress and Master used her triggers to make her come so many times in rapid-fire it zapped her cute little head a little, it was so sweet when she was exhausted she just slumped over into this ones arms, it cuddled with her as she slid to sleep and it made this one so happy. it was so glad it and its sis got to spend most of the day together and it was able to keep her company, keep her from sliding down into a bad space when we hit speed bumps and hopefully was able to lift her up a bit, it feels so very close to it’s sister, it loves her so much and hopes it was able to make her hatch day a little brighter, *sigh* it doesn’t know what else to say, it thinks when it was all over she had a good birthday and it knows from this one’s perspective that it’s heart just absolutely melted when she fell asleep in this one’s arms, it can’t imagine being apart from her or from Master and Mistress…it realized tonight that it really feels like we are a family and so close to all of us, we had so very much fun, it knows this one was just so happy all day today. Happy hatch day sis!

10-12-11

Journal today was a very interesting day. Early in the day this one did chores and such, and when it was done it had the opportunity to do it’s magickal work for a little while, which was very refreshing and really changed this one’s energy flow for the whole day. it won’t go into too much detail though because most of it is recorded in it’s magickal journal but it will say it contacted the local O.T.O. body to see about seeking the Initiation. Then in the mid afternoon it’s sis got home and we went and picked up Mistress, who was very tired and hot and dreading all the work She had to do at home, so after dinner sis gave Her a back massage and this one gave Her a leg rub, which was very nice, it hoped it made Her feel a little better. While She was working on Her homework we all sat around and watched TV mostly, but later it got the chance to help with Her work a little bit, it hopes it did an ok job. Later though we worked a *lot* on hypnosis, it kind of started when Mistress was mad about what the other hypnotist did to sis and cut off her contact with him, which was wise considering the kind of messages he was sending. sis tried to hypnotize Master but it didn’t really take, then she hypnotized this one and it was very effective and so very pleasurable to be back down there again. Afterwards we watched many hypnosis videos and sis began showing Mistress how to hypnotize us, and tried many more complicated maneuvers with this one. Honestly, it didn’t think they would work but somehow they did, thinking back it doesn’t feel like they would work in the moment, so maybe it was actually still hypnotized from the first induction and never came all the way back up. Anyway apparently Master and Mistress are going to use triggered rubber bands to control us, and Mistress also gave it a session where She connected it’s feelings of slave-hood to Them to it’s public collar. Right afterwards things got weird though. it doesn’t know what happened, but while Mistress was saying something it was like a switch flipped in it’s head and while before it had been glowing with happiness suddenly it felt this huge drain of negative energy in a sphere all around it, like a black hole, and all it could think was that it would never be able to be good enough for Mistress and Master. it’s actually rather upset about it, but They didn’t say it did anything wrong, but it’s just totally in a funk now. it hopes it will feel better after some sleep. 

10-13-11

Journal it doesn’t have a whole, whole lot to report to you today. The night is not quite over but right now Mistress and Master and sister are listening to hypnosis files to try to reprogram this one. This morning it woke up from very, very interesting dreams still feeling like it’s head was buzzing and it was really upset, it just felt like crap, it looked at the chore list and just didn’t want to do anything at all, it curled up on the floor and cried. it just felt so lost and inadequate and like it had no idea what the hell it was doing. But sis noticed and she made it feel better and reassured it. it cleaned up a bit and was feeling better because it was able to be doing something for Mistress and Master but then it’s grandparents called and made it feel completely awful, it was really upset, but afterwards it was very happy because when Master saw it was upset He was so very sweet to it, He asked it about it’s family and talked about His and we talked a bit about it’s beliefs and then He shared a special book that had been really trans-formative for Him and it was such a wake up call for this one, reading the book’s synopsis online reminded it of many of the things it had learned long ago but had totally forgotten, it was really refreshing to come to that place. Then we watched some anime and it felt tons better, it felt so close to Master and it was really happy for that. Then sis came home and we argued about anime and watched silly videos online, shortly after we picked up Mistress and then She comforted it about why it was feeling upset before, since Master had apparently heard it talking to it’s sister, and it felt a lot better afterwards. Then it got a chance to throw together dinner and it was glad it didn’t do a half bad job, but the interesting part came when it was forced to eat without utensils. it was a *lot* more humiliating than this one expected it to be, but after it’s internal resistance broke down it enjoyed it a little. Anyway then we played chess and Mistress beat it twice, and now it’s waiting to be hypnotized again. Honestly it is beginning to be concerned about the way we are doing the hypnosis. Even though it wants to be hypnotized for Them and do whatever They tell it to, it can feel mental walls coming up inside of it, like there is a small civil war being incited in it’s consciousness and all of this is causing it’s overall resistance to hypnosis to increase. it kinds of wishes we could just take a little break from the hypnosis, it’s mind feels kind of frayed, honestly it was hoping we would get to do traditional slave training at some point but They have not decided to yet, and it’s making it hard, since the hypnosis has little to be associated with. it feels so close to Them, it desires Them and desires to serve Them so much…it is willing to do whatever They ask but it doesn’t know how much farther it can go down this line before something snaps. it thinks it would be easier if it was just conditioned in it’s normal consciousness and trained for Them, then the hypnosis would have something to be grafted onto…but it will try to persevere and do the best it can…it just hates that now it is kind of afraid of trance, whereas before it was such a pleasurable place. it doesn’t know how this change happened…maybe it’s just in a bad mood today and is pooh-poohing everything. it will put it’s trust in Mistress and Master’s decisions.

10-14-11

Journal today it doesn’t have too much to talk to you about, but it was an interesting day none the less. it woke up really, really tired but it felt better later, it didn’t do much until Mistress got home, She and sister had gotten a bunch of her stuff out of storage (although apparently there is still a good bit left) anyway we played magic the gathering for a while, and it lost very badly both times. Then things got really interesting. We were told to strip and were manacled and tied to the bed. this one didn’t know what was going on until it was almost time. Master and Mistress began playing with both of us with the ice dildos, they were extremely painful but also pleasurable in their own way, unfortunately neither of us could take them all the way. Perhaps next time we should try getting ready with ordinary dildos first, but anyway, They continued to tease us with them and with nipple clamps, which this one had never experienced before but were *much* more painful than this one expected, but it really rather enjoyed them, it suspects they will get easier to take and become more pleasurable. Then we just kind of horsed around for a bit and it was really fun when Mistress directed us how to make dinner, it was absolutely delicious. She then gave us our assignment which She had been alluding to for some time, rewriting the ‘10 questions’ and ‘1000 word retrospective’ assignment but from each other’s perspective. it expects it will be very difficult for both of us, but Mistress and Master very graciously allowed us to confer a little bit on the assignment, which this one didn’t expect. Anyway everyone but Master and this one has gone to bed so it expects little else will happen tonight. it is so glad it got over the bad mood it had yesterday, it really must have been hormones because it has felt fantastic all day. Unfortunately it’s sister seems to be really upset today, even more so than yesterday. it has no idea what’s going on, but she doesn’t seem to want this one to comfort her so it will just hope things will get better. it hopes it is not this one’s fault, it seems this one inadvertently makes her upset often, and it hates that so much. it really will make sure she tells it tomorrow if she’s not feeling better, it can’t stand to see her upset, it cares for her so much.

10-15-11

Today was a nice, lazy sort of day. it doesn’t feel like much happened at all. it slept exceptionally well and had many, many strange and interesting dreams. When it awoke it got a chance to make breakfast for Mistress, it didn’t do a very good job but it learned from it and it thinks it will do much better next time. it got permission to attend the next Gnostic Mass at the Golden Lotus Oasis and so is very happy that it will be able to begin connecting with other Thelemites and begin the process of it’s Initiation. When it heard this and Mistress gave it some free time it tried to study Book 4 to prepare but it had a hard time concentrating -- it could hear Master and Mistress fooling around in the next room and for some reason just couldn’t keep itself calm at all, it kept trying to focus on what it was reading but its mind was filled with all kinds of dirty thoughts. it’s back was hurting a bit (not from how it slept, just in the usual way) so it laid down to try to calm itself, and just as it pretty much had calmed itself down Mistress called it into the room and it was sooo very grateful to be used by Master and Mistress, They let it finish and afterwards it was pretty much in lala-land for almost an hour, it was so nice. When sis got back we went out, we went to many different places which was fun, but it was very frustrated because it kept making mistakes driving, it is ordinarily a very good driver but not only is it not used to the roads out here but it gets exponentially worse the more people it feels like are watching it. it had to try very, very hard to keep itself calm and not express any inappropriate emotions. Anyway it felt a whole lot better when we finally got home and got something to eat. From that time until now we’ve all pretty much just been at our computers playing games, Mistress bought KOTOR which it is very grateful for, it always kind of avoided the game not because it thought it wasn’t good but it just doesn’t like that type of game very much, but it forced itself to since sis was so excited about it, it will help us prepare for the new game and it was a gift from Mistress so it should appreciate it, but after playing it a bit it actually started to enjoy it and finds itself looking forward to playing again. Anyway over the course of the day it has been banging it’s head against its writing stuff trying to figure out what it’s supposed to do, which may have been the source of it’s frustrations. it just wishes so badly it had someone to help guide it in doing the writing, it’s not that it can’t do the writing it just doesn’t know how to manage it’s time at all, it can write anything but it never knows what to write when. it has signed up to a writing buddy matchmaking service so that may be of help, but it’s not sure. Anyway all that is kind of irrelevant, we’re sitting here still on our computers doing random stuff but will probably be going to bed in not too long. All in all it was a quiet sort of day but thankfully everything seems to be pretty much normal -- and it is very thankful that it has a sense now of what normal is in Mistress and Master’s household and is at last beginning to feel that it belongs in Their normal, which is an incredible comfort for it. it wonders what will happen tomorrow?

10-16-11

Weee today was a super fun day! in the morning Mistress taught it how to make pancakes (which it did okay on, even if it did break an egg) then Mistress and this one played MTG (it was decimated again, but at least it was able to hold it’s own) it did a little more housekeeping and when sis came back we did the laundry which took most of the day, intermittently playing KOTOR some more and other silly games. it was glad while we were doing laundry it got a chance to reconnect with sis a bit, due to her work schedule we’ve been kind of distant for the past few days. We had a super fun tickle fight (more like a tickle torture since it was just held down and tickled by Mistress and sis who are both tickle-invulnerable, but it won’t pretend that it didn’t enjoy it hehe) although with the cost that the chain of it’s public collar got broken, it was walking around in the kitchen for a few minutes while it was talking to it’s sis it just got this incredible sense that something was missing, it was kind of frantic looking for it, but thankfully we found the pendant and Mistress gave it a new chain to use temporarily until we get some stronger ones. Then we made these super awesome hot dogs that Mistress got for us. Uhm, not much else has happened, we’ve been watching TV and Mistress has decided to let it use her Kobo for the next little while so it can read the Gor series, it’s super cool and it can’t wait to use it. We’re probably going to keep watching TV and relaxing for the rest of the night since Mistress will have to go to bed in not too long, but it’s super glad, it was kind of tense earlier feeling like it should be working on it’s writing or something but sis told it that it should relax and enjoy itself and so that’s what it’s going to try to do for the rest of the night. So in short journal things are going great and it’s in a wonderful mood right now, and is very excited to begin a new week tomorrow and see what is to come! :D