Destiny 8/8/2011 - 8/14/2011

8-8-11

Journal, it is glad to report to you that it is in a much better mood than it was yesterday. it supposes that these off-days it seems to have are necessary for it to purge the built up negative material…it just wishes it didn’t have to come out so explosively. Looking back over what it has written it is rather embarrassed; as these seem to get worse each time it is worried that someday it will forget its just a thing it needs to go through and end up really screwing things up, but, anyway. it rather enjoys practicing the ‘kneeling’ position before affirmation, since it is nearly identical to the asana it has always used for meditative work, and so it enhances the feeling of serenity and placid-ness and purposefulness that it relishes performing the affirmation for. It is also interesting that mentally saying ‘kneel’ while being in that familiar position has changed how it thinks about it when it is in it for meditation. This is probably frightfully abstruse, but the connection with so explicitly submissively suggestive of a word as ‘kneel’ (which, at the very least out of all the positions so far, is the only one that already has as a natural meaning the connotation of ‘submit,’ either as a command from someone else or to itself) it made it realize that the work of making one’s mind still -- the goal of meditation -- is inherently an extremely submissive act. The purpose of meditation is to as literally as possible completely silence the self, almost remove the self from the equation of the universe and thereby be completely passive and so completely receptive to the movements and the will of the universe. Mediators have long talked about how reaching very advanced states of this actually grants one exquisite ecstasy and almost contradictory power and feelings of unity with the universe, and it finds it quite interesting that these are the very same feelings sub-missives seem to desire out of M/s; the bliss and thrilling freedom of completely losing oneself in the will of Master and Mistress is unquestionably a spiritual experience. But this is a ramble, journal, so it will say goodnight.  

8-9-11

Journal, it has little to report to you today. it spent most of its time today decompressing from last week, which it was grateful for. Even though it had to work it didn’t stress it out because since it was covering for someone else it felt like it wasn’t even really there, or because it didn’t have to be there but chose to be there everything was completely different. it usually feels this way about covering, but thinking about it today made it make the connection between that feeling and the difference between having control taken from it vs. giving up control it was mulling over last week, so it makes it wonder if there is some unifying property connecting both? Also, it was slightly concerned, as Mistress indicated to it that some sort of issue has arisen, but it does not know any more than that. it makes it feel bad because of its distance it is completely helpless to be there for Master and Mistress and help them with whatever is wrong…but it of course trusts that They will inform it of whatever it needs to know, and so it must trust that it is indeed helping even if just by following Their commands. 

8-10-11

Journal, unfortunately again it has little to report to you today. it performed its affirmation and texted with Mistress a bit; while we were going to have a call tonight, since it is still at its dad’s She decided that it would be best to hold off the call until tomorrow night when it is at its mom’s which it understands. it realizes now that the privacy thing shouldn’t be an issue in any event since it will be able to use its phone and so wont be limited by wherever a wifi hotspot is available. it is very excited to talk to Master and Mistress this week, it imagines things are very exciting there since this is the first full week sister has been there with Master and Mistress, so it imagines a lot of the kinks are getting worked out, hahaha…. sorry journal, it couldn’t resist.

8-11-11

Journal, it is writing to you just after its phone call with Master and Mistress. it is embarrassed, it kind of rather messed up in the phone call. it took it in its car since its mom was at home, but it was pouring rain outside (even hailing a little), and since it was on speakerphone it was extremely difficult to hear what Master and Mistress and sister were saying. Still, it was able to hash out some important things; when Mistress mentioned buying Her ticket for driving across with it it mentioned that it thought that it would be less inconvenient and burdensome on Master and Mistress if it simply drove itself, and Master and Mistress were agreeable to this idea. it had been thinking about this for a few days but felt it was important that it talk about this idea over the phone rather than through texts or its journal entries. it hopes this new plan will make things go more smoothly in general and give all of us some more wiggle room. Master and Mistress’ and sister’s main concern seemed to be it driving over difficult conditions, and it is so very deeply touched by Their and her concern for it, but it has driven in snow and over mountains before and so it is confident it will be safe. Mistress and sister then gave it some helpful advice for driving, although it will unfortunately admit that it was really struggling to hear most of it since the rain was really bad at this point. This is when it kind of screwed up. it couldn’t tell who was talking to who, it thought sister was speaking to it when she was actually talking to Master, and then the worst, it could hardly tell Mistress’ and sister’s voices apart with all the echo in the room and the speakerphone, and so while Mistress was telling a story to everyone it thought She was speaking to Master and it didn’t respond when it was supposed to, and when She asked why it hadn’t it misidentified Her voice and addressed Her as ‘sister.’ Oooooooh my godddd journal it *really* could have just died on the spot when it realized what it had done; it still feels so embarrassed, its face was red for the entire rest of the call and is probably so right now. Mistress who is so kind and gracious to it forgave the whole thing, and based on how the sound quality changed it thinks She then began speaking directly into the receiver, and from that point on it actually had a lovely conversation and was able to be much more interactive. Still journal, it was so mortified, it has definitely learned its lesson, that its better to admit that it can’t tell what is expected of it or how it is to respond than to act based on what it thinks and end up being completely out of line…

8-12-11

Journal, not much happened today. it was at work all day and so performed its affirmation in the morning, which was well since unlike usual it was at work for the entire twelve hours it was open. Still, it regrets that because of this it did not get to practice the new position which it is so thankful to Mistress for sending it, ‘present.’ it must admit journal just from looking at it that this is going to be a very interesting position to practice. it feels bad that it can’t think of anything else to say, it is concerned that it is running out of things to talk to you about journal; perhaps it will have to learn to accept to not to be so ridiculously lengthy with its entries, and moreover that it is sure it will have things-to-say overflowing once it is actually serving Master and Mistress in Their presence. 

8-13-11

OK journal, so perhaps complaining about not having things to say yesterday wasn’t the best idea. Journal, it will not go into too much detail, but it will tell you that its sister informed it this morning that Master and Mistress were having some difficulties. it was glad it was able to show Them that it was there to be supportive regardless of what happens, but it does make it worry (even though Mistress, in a very sweet way, told it it was not to worry, it can’t help itself.) Not so much about what will become of it in relation to this, but because it knows Master and Mistress care for each other so much and it cares for Them both so deeply that it hates to see Them upset and doesn’t want Them to be hurt in any way. it imagines that some friction is probably inevitable since we’re all getting used to a new life arrangement in general and going through a lot of different things (it doesn’t pretend to know everything Master and Mistress are dealing with, but it knows They are under pressures) and so hopefully this was just a symptom of readjusting. it was very glad to hear that things had mostly been sorted out. it also is sure tensions will be much less when all of us are moved into our new places and established -- it has complete faith that we can be a very stable unit once everything gets settled. Aside from this it was also very grateful to sister for letting it know about this at all, it was afraid before that if things were bad (in any number of ways, not just this) that because it wasn’t there it might not find out about it and so be unable to support Master and Mistress…it was glad at the very least that it was at least able to be there in some sense this time.  

8-14-11

Journal, it had a very nice day today. it had alright visits with its grandparents and dad and it was so glad to hear from Mistress just after it performed its affirmation that things were all wonderful again for Master and Mistress. it is so happy and proud (…is it appropriate for a slave to be proud of its Master and Mistress, or does that feeling only go in one direction in M/s? anyway you know what i mean journal) of Master and Mistress, as it is clear from how quickly They resolved Their difficulties that They truly care about each other and Their bond is very strong -- even most tiffs in healthy relationships last longer than a single day, so this has redoubled its confidence in Master and Mistress and the relationship between all four of us in general. Master and Mistress guide it and protect it so well…everything is so safe in Their Domain. it originally wasn’t going to mention this journal but it stuck in its mind so powerfully. Mistress said to it the words ‘things will always be ok for it.’ it cannot express in words how this sentence makes it feel. it has never even imagined in all its life that such a thing could be true or that anyone would ever say such a thing to it. it can hardly imagine that such a sentence could be formed, yet because Mistress is the one who said it to it…it believes. it can’t describe to you the feeling that came over it when Mistress said that to it, the closest it can say is that it experienced a feeling of being safe and protected far far more intense than any it has ever felt before, and it really was kind of a revelation for it. it is most likely because it has always had many difficulties with security and attachment and abandonment that it inevitably sought out this lifestyle but, even if somewhere it understood in the back of its mind that this sort of relationship could be a palliative for this -- at least what it always felt to be -- flaw within it, it never had or would have imagined that these feelings could not just be assuaged but actually and truly fulfilled… the mere thought that this is possible is beyond any sort of fulfillment it has ever thought possible, and in these words it has gotten a taste of it, and so it makes it realize more fully what dynamic it is within its psyche that makes it desire to submit to Master and Mistress, and more than this, that if such a thing as genuine emotional security exists and is achievable through its service to Master and Mistress, then really nothing else matters.