Destiny 7/04/2011 - 7/10/2011

7-4-11

      it has had quite a day, and so it will not talk overmuch but it really wants to record the events of today. The first thing that really mattered today was when, after it got off work, it went to the pet store. There there was a collar almost exactly like the one it had imagined, broad, black and silver, good and thick leather. It ran its thumb along its smoothness and could feel power flowing through it, its heart was racing and it felt electricity and submission radiating from its center. After it realized it was kind of just staring at the collars it quickly and embarrassingly bought it and left the store (because, of course, everyone in the store could just tell from looking at it that the collar wasn’t for any dog but was going around its neck, right?) Then, the not so pleasant visit with its dad, exacerbated by projectile ash in its eye. But, again, of course, Master and Mistress make it all better. it feels so comfortable and relieved right now writing this entry whereas just moments ago it was in agony, because of the wisdom of Master who sent it a link which told it how to fix its eye on the very first try, whereas it had been fumbling and failing to fix its own eye. it finds it very interestingly symbolic of all of this, that it had been struggling, uselessly, for years to try and solve its own faults and make itself whole on its own only to irritate things worse, and as soon as it handed itself over and let go, all is instantly healed. While it was unfortunately distracted through our talk, Master and Mistress also held it to account for the things it wrote in its journal. Mistress and then Master explained Their sexual histories for it, which it found very fascinating and incredibly useful in understanding how to serve Master and Mistress, as a way of coaxing it into explaining its own. it realized, when it went over its own (not nearly at the length which Master and Mistress did, again because it was nervous and so ran through it) that Master and Mistress are much more experienced than it. Again, its not for lack of trying on its part, and it knows there is a wellspring of energy inside of it that it is just waiting to show, that more experiences are certainly in store for it and it will grow, still, it is concerned that it will be inadequate to Master and Mistress. it wonders, with both of Them clearly having had many partners who are certainly more attractive than it, how it is that Master and Mistress can be interested in it? But, it must remind itself that this is not anything it should be thinking about. it does not need to know or understand Master and Mistress’ desires any further than is necessary for it to serve Them, and this is certainly enough to content it.

7-5-11

      Today, for much of the day as it was driving about, it was texting back and forth with Mistress planning our trip across the country. This conversation went well, it helped it understand some practical things. As an aside, it was also really excited when Mistress told it that it could prepare food She would like for the trip. it realizes it does really get this tremendous satisfaction whenever it is able to give and to serve, particularly when it is meeting others basic needs like being fed. Even though it is worried that its cooking won’t be able to meet Master and Mistress’ high standards, if it were possible for it to do so it realizes it will be made incredibly happy and satisfied by being able to serve Master and Mistress in this way. While this was all well and good, it has become concerned by its talk with Master and Mistress on skype. Something was just off. it felt like it couldn’t hold Master and Mistress’ attention, it was really doubting itself, it felt like it was doing something wrong and Master and Mistress were angry at it, and it couldn’t figure out what, so it got more nervous and more withdrawn as the talk continued. it realizes it is indeed afraid of Master and Mistress, not for any specific thing but just as a general kind of humble reverence and respect, such as is properly accorded to proud snakes like the cobra, and that while this is usually a pleasant sensation which makes it submit, this time it turned into this kind of unfocused sensation of ‘it knows something is wrong and it knows it doesn’t know what it is so it will just shut down.’ Anyway, it will stop rambling about this, it is sure it was something in its own head. Although, a few other things Mistress said concerned it, such as Mistress seeming to indicate that She doubted there was any financial value in its spiritual activities (which, while it certainly is a modest lifestyle, affords many in similar positions very comfortable lives) or such as Mistress saying They would see about it being able to take a trip next year. Surely by this Mistress means at the end of the year, since the reason it agreed to come early was if it could go home for holidays, and Mistress surely recalls that, but perhaps unexpectedly hearing this added to its feeling of off-balance, as well as Mistress explaining to it at length that They are being nice to it now and things will be much worse later, that it will not know that Master and Mistress care for it. it knows these things are true, but it is scared. it knows Master and Mistress are being very gentle with it and things will be harder later, but that is what both it and Master and Mistress want, right? But it instead felt like it was being chastised for faults it had not committed yet, or that it will fail even though it hasn’t been yet tested. it supposes these things are true but it was very disheartening to hear Mistress say so. it makes it doubt the reality of the feelings it is having now, which is what it has seemed to be struggling with all along. it added to this feeling that somehow unknowingly it had offended Master and Mistress and there was no way to make amends, like it was cursed, and it felt disconnected from Master and Mistress. it knows it also failed in expressing these feelings at the time but, it just shut down. it cried a little after talking to Master and Mistress, but it is better now. Surely all of this is in its mind. There are off days in even the most committed of relationships, aren’t there? And we are still figuring things out. it completely trusts that everything will be all better when next it speaks to Master and Mistress, as it completely trusts Master and Mistress and gives itself to Them, so it will be silent.

7-6-11

      it went to the hospital with its mom and grandparents today amidst a terrible rainstorm, and after that went to Austin and Keishiro’s house. While ultimately the others didn’t end up coming, it did enjoy watching Children of Dune (which it asked to watch since it wanted to catch up on the series since Mistress has read it and Austin is always eager to show it, haha) and explaining a bit (a very small bit) more about its leaving. Throughout all of this it was chatting on and off with Mistress through texts. Nothing very remarkable came up in an objective sense, but it was very meaningful to it. it had been kind of down driving after the hospital in the downpour. But all Mistress had to say was that She was happy to own it, and suddenly to it the sun was shining and its heart felt like it was going to melt right out of its chest. Even though obviously it has had really intense emotional moments in other relationships its been in, it thinks it must be something about the special dynamic of the M/s relationship that gives it *such* an unimaginably intense feeling whenever Master or Mistress explicitly praise it or give it affection, such as today and recently, it is almost like, the centerpiece and heart of all the other aspects of the relationship, what it’s really after, that exceptionally deep connection and fulfillment. Its really indescribable. its sure it could wax on wasting words on this point, but it will leave it at this.

7-7-11

      Today Master and Mistress had very exciting news for it. Master and Mistress have (nearly) acquired a sister-slave for it. As it has looked at her TSR, it understands her name is erin and she is also trans, but little else. it must admit, after the other sister-slave that Master and Mistress were planning to acquire at the same it was being acquired didn’t follow through, it had gotten used to the idea of it alone being the one to serve Master and Mistress as slave. it realizes now that a lot of the things it had imagined (while certainly things were going to be different from what it imagined anyway) now will not be the same way and that it is now going to have to learn new ways of serving Master and Mistress alongside its sister-slave, but this is well, isn’t it? If it has learned anything this past short while it’s that things can change much faster than it imagines and that it can grow and adapt much more successfully than it used to believe. it is concerned that it will have a hard time at least initially, since it has never been trained before but erin has, and so it will probably make a lot more mistakes in the beginning than she will, although it is beneficial that we will both begin serving Master and Mistress at the same time. it hopes it will overcome this and that Master and Mistress will not see it as a worse slave for its lack of experience. it wishes being a slave came more naturally to it as it seems to for so many others. But, at the same time this also means it will have someone from which it can learn more submissive behaviors and someone who it can learn with together, which is certainly exciting. it has always very badly wanted any sort of sister.

7-8-11

      Today it worked all day, so it has little to report. While, in general it prefers doing its affirmation at night in order to reflect on the events of the day, it finds that it really enjoys doing its affirmation in the morning before it heads into work. it puts everything in perspective as the very first thing, and after that its like the events of the day can’t touch it, its not really there, because it doesn’t belong to those events, it belongs to Master and Mistress. When it was speaking to Master and Mistress tonight it felt bad because it made a mistake. it will admit that it will probably take a little while for it to adjust to the idea of a sister-slave, and was concerned about its lack of training in comparison to her, but while talking to Mistress about this the absolute last word it intended to use was ‘competition.’ it was actually thinking of this word in order to try to avoid it, but that’s what popped out of its mouth. (Perhaps this itself is telling though, ‘Freudian slips’ after all.) it very much appreciated that Mistress quickly corrected it, as indeed it is a very incorrect way to think about the situation. The relationship should be one of cooperation if nothing else, and the experience imbalance between itself and its sister is nothing but an opportunity for it. it digresses…it also was very interested and appreciative that Master and Mistress shared with it some of Their longer term plans. it must confess that what Mistress said to it will take some getting used to. As a slave, in order to stay in the submissive mode of consciousness, it has to live in the ‘now,’ not thinking about the future but just completely relying moment-to-moment on Master and Mistress guiding it, itself blind, into the future. So, when Mistress explained Their plans, it kind of took it out of that space and it felt that very unpleasant ‘way too big way too fast’ feeling it felt at the beginning of the relationship. it realizes it has no one but itself to blame since it was the one who asked Mistress to tell it, and She was actually telling it wonderful things. it wants to be excited, it wants Master and Mistress’ plans to be its plans, but its hard. it already had this kind of vision for its future, and that's all going away now. Surely there are ways it can weave its plans (or rather, Master and Mistress’ plans for it) into Their plan. (As an aside, Mistress explaining what sort of states She wants everyone in in 5 years made it realize that since Mistress and its sister-slave will have fully transitioned by then, it will probably always be out of place because it’s non-op. it makes it wonder whats wrong with it, why it doesn’t really want the surgery -- while it knows many TSs look down on or exclude non-ops or think of them as being ‘not really trans’, it also knows for sure that Mistress would never do so, but it still gives it pause when it wonders why it is this way.) Nonetheless, it was overjoyed that Mistress let it a little into Master and Mistress’ thoughts, and bringing things into a long view does help it put everything that's been happening in perspective. It really is incredible to think how much everything has changed in the last few weeks, it can hardly believe it. it is sure it will be able to adjust and everything will work out. it should be really glad, even though it is walking on a different path now, that Master and Mistress are gracious and kind enough to include it in Their lives -- the thought of being apart from Them is like the feeling it was always in before -- void, meaninglessness, and that is unbearable, whereas Master and Mistress are perfect direction and purpose to it.

7-9-11

      Today (or rather last night, as it stayed up quite late and is writing this entry on Sunday morning) since John and Samantha returned, it is having to be a little bit more surreptitious about its relationship with Master and Mistress. While they both know, Samantha is not very kinky at all, and, moreover, it doesn’t want them to hear Master and Mistress speaking to it or for Them to think They are being overheard, so it video-chatted with Them in the bathroom. Not much to report, dear journal, Mistress was explaining some of the developments with its sister-slave to it. While it hadn’t thought that it would be mischievous with its sister-slave, it does realize that boredom gets the best of many and so Master and Mistress are wise to find ways for it and its sister-slave to be mostly apart. it has always been glad that Master and Mistress are gracious enough to allow it to continue to pursue its career in spiritual writing while being owned by Them, and it is glad that it will have the opportunity to contribute in this way, but…it feels guilty. it does feel as though if everyone else in the house is working, at least part time, it would shame it for it to only be working at home on its writing, it would feel like it was getting off easier than everyone else, when really what it wants to do is to be of service to everyone else. Mistress also suggested to it that its lesson about ‘fidgeting’ it ought to pay close attention to, and seemed to indicate that this was something She found to be very important. it wishes it wasn’t such a terrible fidget. it has noticed how from doing the affirmations it is able to kneel with less fidgeting (as long as it doesn’t move, since its legs go completely to sleep and if it gets up at all some blood flows back into them and it then *really* hurts. it wonders if it’s doing something wrong?) but it knows this is going to be a problem spot for it. its just so all over the place in its mind that its hard to keep its body still.

7-10-11

      it has little to report tonight. it only spoke to Mistress briefly through texts. it thought it very interesting that the article it was supposed to study for today on fidgeting indicated the very thing it suggested in its last entry, that actually the way to better positions in that case is indeed to quiet your mind and your body will follow, that its rather useless to try and work at it from the other direction, which it found very illuminating. it has really enjoyed the structure and continual work-accomplishment-reinforcement cycle that following the two week positions lessons has given it, and it hopes this will make it better able to serve Master and Mistress. it is looking forward to completing this task, but also wonders if something will take its place. Honestly, it really makes it feel good when it has some skill it can learn and show to Master and Mistress to please Them on a regular basis, it really gives it this great sense of accomplishment and pride, and its learning along the way as well.