Destiny 9/26/2011 - 10/2/2011

9-26-11

Journal it has a few interesting things it can report to you tonight. For one thing, last night just after it finished writing the last entry it had a very long and very, very constructive phone call with sister kajira. We were discussing something Master and Mistress are going to attempt with her dragon self on Wednesday, but from there we started talking more about things in general…we kind of got caught as it started to share some of its fears and doubts about itself and about how things would turn out, and it felt really, really bad because it realized that some of the ways it had been unthinkingly acting had the potential to be hurtful and so it felt really guilty, but sister was so sweet and soothed it when it was pretty much freaking out and calmed it down and convinced this one that everything was going to be okay and not to worry. it is so grateful for her help, it was really scared and when all was said and done not only did it feel like it had a much more realistic understanding of how things would go but felt reassured in its place in our order and confident in the future, so it is really truly thankful to its sister. Anyway today journal it has just been tying up loose ends and getting ready for the imminent trip one week from today…Mistress also texted it and from reading its journals let it know that She indeed wants it to be more active online. it must confess that it finds this a really difficult assignment and even a frightening one for this one, but thankfully Mistress gave it some advice and it will do its best to push forward; it hopes doing so will be easier just by being in the environment of at last being with Master and Mistress.

9-27-11

Journal so many thoughts are swimming through its head it is almost in a daze. For one thing it has just finished its last night at work official or otherwise and is so glad to finally be able to put that behind it and just forget all the stuff from that job that was cramming up its head. And the whole time it has been thinking so much about Master and Mistress, Who are the only reason it has been given the gift of being able to do something else…it is so thankful for Them giving it a new purpose. it has been reading over its old journals quite heavily and so everything that has been happening these past several months is flowing through its mind, and it can now sort of see how it has all been building up to this moment, or rather the moment that's just around the corner. Journal, to be completely honest it is becoming quite nervous, very anxious, even at stop lights being unable to sit still, jolting up with a start as soon as it wakes up, immediately thinking about how the time is now to go to Master and Mistress. so much will change for it, everything it has ever known will go away and it will be like a whole new world…it must prepare itself, but if it keeps holding its breath its going to suffocate!

9-28-11

Journal it has just a short while ago written and emailed to Master and Mistress its assignment tracking its changes across its journal, and it must say that it has really enjoyed the experience. it has learned that it needs to mix up its entry writing style more, although it supposes a lot of it has to do with just writing down its reactions and reflections based on the specific events of the day without really knowing another way to string the journal together as a narrative, but it will try to think of other possibilities. it also knows that it will probably get a tremendous boost in journal-writing inspiration by at last being with Master and Mistress. the assignment has given it such an appreciation for all that it has learned from Master and Mistress, if for no other reason than how difficult it was to even express a sample of what it has learned within the word limit! it makes it so excited to think that really it has not even begun to learn and what lies ahead is tremendously vaster than what has gone before, and that begins in just a few days. it was glad when Mistress told it that She was impressed with its assignment, and it is so glad if it was able to do a good job. Apparently sister did hers in a different way, and honestly it was wondering if it was taking the right approach at all with how it was thinking about the assignment, but since Mistress seemed to be pleased in either case it is very happy.

9-29-11

Journal it has little to report to you today. it is still in the last stages of mentally and physically preparing itself for its journey to Master and Mistress…as She reminded it today really only three days are left, which is both so exciting and so frightening for this one…it doubts so much if it will really be able to live up to Master and Mistress’ expectations… its not disheartened, just anxious, it knows it will put all its heart into it, give all its heart to Them and just hope for the best, but it is still so frightening, such a leap of faith. it was idly thinking about the difference between vanilla and M/s relationships; it thought that a vanilla relationship is like a dance where both partners are holding each other, and in order to get motion sometimes more weight is on one or the other or one lifts a foot off for a moment and that is what creates the enjoyment of the dance, but basically both partners are on both of their feet. A D/s relationship is kind of like that game where you fall backwards and trust that the other person is going to help you, but you keep your feet such that really you could catch you self at the very last minute if they wouldn’t catch you and you keep playing the game of falling over and over to test if you’re going to be caught again and again. A M/s relationship, however, if like genuinely letting yourself fall and truly giving over to trusting that the other person is going to catch you…and only needing to completely let go and give yourself over to that trust once, and after that leap of faith, you absolutely know who is going to catch you… none is superior, they’re all just different ways of dancing.

        

9-30-11

Journal today very much to its surprise it and its mom drove to the beach. Weeee! out of nowhere her longtime boyfriend proposed to her and so it fulfilled its long standing promise to take her whenever that happened, so it performed its affirmation (and it was so glad that Mistress was excited too about its mom getting engaged. it is very glad the date set is when it will be back anyway for Christmas and so it shouldn’t affect our plans at all) very early into the morning and we traveled down to the coastal islands of SC and had an absolute blast! it was just so wonderful to enjoy the ocean and the sand and the sunset…and it and its mom really got to reconnect, we both kind of made peace with the directions each of us are going in our lives and were happy for each other that we were both getting closer to what we were looking for. it just so much wants more than anything that everyone be ok and everyone be happy and everyone do what it takes to get to the place their heart truly wants to be…it makes it so sad that for so long we have been struggling, but it also hopes so much that we can make things better now. it makes it feel more confident and more like its family will accept it leaving after the talks we had, but at the same time going back to the place it has been several times before on a yearly cycle brought back more nostalgia like it has been being overwhelmed with, it is truly going to miss the place where it grew up and everything that happened here but…it must accept that things change and it is time to move on. Even though it is scared, it must be strong, charge ahead, and look to the future.

10-1-11

Journal today it had numerous things to take care of, wrapping up final visits before it heads off in just two days. it had to visit its grandparents to pick up a letter for its name change and then it headed off for the going away party its friends were throwing for it. Unfortunately as it explained to Mistress in our phone call on its way there the letter indicated that it had a lot more forms it had to fill out so there is basically no way it can get it done in time before it goes. it was kind of freaking out again from the fear of not being able to go, but it just had to remind itself and Mistress reassured it that it can come anyway and we will find some way to get its name situation resolved, be it by  scheduling the court date for when it comes back or doing it in California, and it is so thankful for Mistress being so generous to it on this point. the letter trip was also unfortunate since it led to a huge confrontation with is grandparents about its leaving where they tried to stop it or redirect it with all kinds of outlandish plans, and it just made it very upset before it went to visit its friends. Still, its going away party was nice, it was glad to see everyone again although it got really choked up a lot of the time, we were just trying to focus on our star trek marathon but it was just so super emotional, it misses this simple kind of childish friendship and knows that its friends from its youth will always hold special meaning for it from what it felt tonight, but still these have gone as far as they can and it just has to move on and forge new and more meaningful relationships. it is really starting to hit it very strongly, the reality of what is just about to happen in so short of a while. it is trying to keep itself calm and keep everything in perspective, it is really happy but it still doesn’t really know what to expect, it is launching off completely into the unknown…it trusts that Master and Mistress will catch it on the other side of course, it believes in that more than anything, but it is difficult…there is a scared little girl inside of it who is so scared and so alone and just can’t let go, who is holding on so desperately hard to the only thing she has ever known, even if that thing hurt her…it tries so hard to convince her to stand up and grow, to coax her out of her shell, and it feels it is so close but…it will be a struggle. it hopes it can get that last little push to make it go out the door when the moment is right.

10-2-11

Journal it is writing in you today just before it goes to spend the evening with its grandparents in its promised last long visit with them before it goes. it has been having sort of a rough day today…it knows most of it is just anxiety about having (“having”) to go see members of its family who always are so cruel to it and always make it feel so bad about itself and always try to hinder its plans, and so it will do its best just to overcome that and put it out of its mind, but it also knows that what is coming tomorrow is looming very heavily for it as well. it woke up at its friends house in a panic, like it remembers from the beginning, just worrying itself sick almost about whats coming tomorrow, what kind of a terrible mess its going to make with its family, if it will have a safe trip across the country, if it will be able to adapt to belonging to Master and Mistress in Their household or if it will fail Them, just running around in circles in its mind and so overwhelmingly terrified. it is ashamed of these feelings because when it thinks rationally about what's going on it knows that this is exactly what it wants, that it is leaving a place that isn’t good for it and is going to Master and Mistress Who it loves and Who are wonderful for it, that it just has cold feet and will feel a million times better as soon as it is an hour down the road but just today it seems like an insurmountable wall, this paralyzing fear of the unknown, it hopes and prays so much just that it will have the strength to push itself out the door…it must think on Master and Mistress for that, Who have always been such an incredible source of strength for this one. it said goodbye to its friends, with them making half-heated promises to come visit it out west (which it knows they wont so we needed worry about how it would be arranged) it did however have a conversation with its dad which made it feel better, surprisingly when it came to him with its worries and its vacillations he reassured it that everything would be ok and that it was just having a natural nervous reaction and that it would feel better, and it made it so happy. it makes it feel guilty because it hasn’t been paying attention to making sure he was okay with it leaving as much as everyone else, and he has been such a great support for it lately…it feels so guilty about everything, it feels like everything is its fault and its hurting everyone by leaving. it knows this isn’t the way it is supposed to think and isn’t even true, again it just needs to focus on being at last with Master and Mistress so soon…it loves Them so much, the one thing that comforted it when it awoke and was so distraught was the thought of Them being kind to it, the thought that They understood its weakness and its fear and its fragility and so gently and lovingly welcomed it into Their world, even if it isn’t a good girl and fails at first and has a hard time becoming what They desire, the thought that if it truly gives up all of its heart to Them and trusts in Their forgiveness, that even if its imperfect and not the slave They hoped it could be still everything will be okay, and that trust is the reason it belongs so completely to Master and Mistress. Everything is going to be ok...