Destiny 10/24/2011 - 10/30/2011

10-24-11

Journal, today was a very strange day. it had more strange dreams along the same line this morning. it woke up and did the chores with sis helping. Then sis wanted this one to show her a bit about Magick, first explaining some foundational principles about what magick is and what kinds there are and qabalah and such. Then this one did a tarot reading for her about how she can get closer to her dragon self, and the main thing that came out was the main obstacle holding her back is the fear of the demon that’s been following her. So from there we decided to try to contact the demon through automatic writing, to try and get some more information about it to confront it more effectively. Honestly it felt like the plan was a bit this one’s fault, since the reading encouraged sis to confront her fears directly and they would dematerialize, which is true, but it thinks we may have not been ready for such an operation. Especially considering the effect the experience had on sis and the apparent identity of the demon following her. Nonetheless it thinks it was a fruitful experience, especially in terms of being able to face the demon from a place of strength in the future. it was really draining on both of our energies so we took a short nap, and from there it mostly just waited for Mistress to get home. When She did She talked to it about the journals and addressed a lot of it’s concerns and things that happened. it doesn’t feel like it was able to express what it wanted to say and may have ended up saying things that She took the wrong way, but She did encourage it about things it can do and it will try to do the things She suggested to calm the emotions it’s been feeling and also try to be open about telling her about them. Also it received its punishment for what it did yesterday, which was extremely painful but it was glad for it. From there it made dinner and while Mistress was talking to sis about her journal we all had a talk about the evocation today, and it very much agrees with Mistress that we should be *much* more cautious from here on out. Not much really happened after that, we all went on our computers, this one had really bad indigestion but thankfully that has cleared up, and sis went off to work, and Mistress let it read some of Her conversation with Ori which it found both interesting and surprising. Anyway journal it doesn’t know really what else to say. it has such a strange feeling right now. it thinks perhaps with permission it will do another (or perhaps several) more banishings of the space tomorrow. It’s like there is a darkness hanging in the air. it thinks it is more it’s personal darkness though. it wonders if things will ever feel better. it wonders even what set it off down this dark path. it thinks it may have began when it was feeling sick earlier. For some reason it felt like it couldn’t relax, never could relax, and it realizes that a lot of the problem all along has been that it’s been so tense, hardly is there a moment where it feels like something bad isn’t just about to happen. it wishes it could feel better journal. This is a silly thing to think, but it wishes so badly that it could be close to Mistress. it knows She said it could come to Her whenever, and it knows this, but it feels so limited, so constricted. its feelings for Her are growing very strong, but it doesn’t know how to express them  in this role at all, all the silly ways it can think of are only the ways free people act, and that’s wrong. it wishes it understood things better. it feels so weak and stupid sometimes, it is beginning to accept that it probably will never be able to achieve all the things it used to dream about. it’s going to have to learn that that’s okay and what it has now is what it deserves and is enough. *sigh* anyway journal this isn’t really very productive, so it’s going to say goodnight. (p.s. it just had a very nice conversation with Mistress so it’s mood has improved considerably which it is very thankful to Her for. She really is such a sweet person, it is so grateful that Mistress owns it, it really would be lost without Her, She is this one’s saving grace…)

10-25-11

Journal today was a fairly strange day. it woke up in a much better mood than last night, after it wrote it’s entry it listened to sad music and Master asked if it was okay (it later thanked Him for the way He always checks up on this one, He is so sweet) and honestly it was, afterwards it felt a lot better. it guesses it does have it’s own ways of processing it’s negative emotions and afterwards it’s a lot better…it just needs to remember the little drama it’s always trying to live out in its head isn’t always real. Anyway today it just did chores in the morning and waited to pick up Mistress. While She was in Her meeting this one and sis had a wonderful and very deep talk in the car, it was very nice and it made it feel a lot closer to sis. Mistress apparently had a rough time at work, it felt very sorry for Her but very much enjoyed getting to rub Her feet to help Her feel better, as it is always so glad to make Her feel good in any way, and it enjoyed even a lot more than that the little foot fight we had after, it was so much fun, it doesn’t really have a lot of chances to just play with Mistress (like, the way Master does, it’s kind of envious of the free-ness They have between Each other) and so it relished that moment. From there we made dinner which was nice, it also got mail and feels bad now that its debts have been shifted to Mistress, it hopes it will get either a job or sell some stories or get some money as gifts so She doesn’t have to out-rightly pay out for it’s past expenses, it feels terrible for that. But it also got it’s birth certificate so we can try to go to the DMV now. Anyway not much happened from there, we’re not going to get to go to the play party it thought we were after all, and it was really excited for it, it’s always excited for any chance for Mistress and Master to play with it, but Mistress was generous to offer us an equal value in money to spend on games instead, which it appreciates. it will offer the value to cover the current payment on the debt though, that would make it feel better than getting something, and it feels like we do have enough games, but it really wishes we had more chances to play… anyway we just went on our computers, sis showed it a bunch of cool pics and videos and past chats. Then things kind of took a turn… we were just about to do, uhh, *something* (really didn’t know what, but it had some ideas so it was really excited, especially since it had been building up excitement for the Halloween party in its mind and then the disappointment from that) but just as we were about to go to the bedroom Master accidentally kneed Mistress in the head and She instantly got a terrible migraine. it felt so terrible for Her, it quickly did anything it could to help Her, which made it happy that it was able to attend to Her needs and help Her, but…honestly, it was really pretty angry at what happened, and extremely frustrated, this was the first chance we have had in a week to do anything because of ill health on all our parts and then…it knows it wasn’t Master’s fault but it was pretty angry for a good while, especially since He seemed to be continuing to poke at Mistress (it knows because He actually felt sorry for what He had done and didn’t know how to express it, but still) which kept hurting Her and slowing down Her feeling better, which really frustrated it, but it felt better as it was able to wait on Mistress and laid with it’s sister. From there She fell asleep which it was glad for since She wouldn’t feel the pain anymore, sis went off to work and this one and Master played a game together for several hours, which was really a  lot of fun, it hopes everyone else will get in the game too. Anyway that’s about all journal, Mistress woke up for a moment and told it to do it’s journal and it will go to bed as soon as it’s finished. No real observations today, although again a lot of the stuff that happened today has solidified in it’s mind it’s feelings and what it really wants and thinks about things, and it was glad that this one and sis were able to confide in each other, and that throughout the day it was able to do everything it could to help Mistress feel better, which is all that matters to it. it hopes things will be better tomorrow.

10-26-11

Journal today was a very exciting day. it woke up from many very strange dreams again, it’s very glad now that it’s getting much better dream recall recently. Anyway in the morning it didn’t do much but get the dishes done. When sis woke up we went to the grocery store to get some ingredients for the dinner Mistress sent it the recipe of. When it got home it mostly made dinner, it was actually *so* super much fun making dinner since it was slightly more complex than anything it’s made up to its point but it was proud that it did it mostly itself and it was *so* incredibly proud when both Mistress and sis praised its taste, it was so super squeeing inside. it is so very thankful to Mistress for all She has taught it, She has worked so hard to improve Her slave and it is so grateful. From there Mistress was having a Skype call with one of sis’ other-kin friends who is also a sub and trans and during the call this one got to lay beside Mistress while She rested Her hand on it and scratched its back, it was in heaven and felt so lucky (although it would feel *much* more lucky as the night went on) then we went into the bedroom and we were told to go onto the bed. Master was kind of bugging Mistress and holding Her up and contradicting every single thing She said, this one got really frustrated again because it didn’t think He really appreciated how important what Mistress does to us is to us when while He gets full access to Her, this is really one of our only ways of experiencing the bliss of Mistress, and also how much His contravening of Her actions takes us out of subspace and hurts us. it knows He means well it just wishes He could see the consequences of what He does.  Anyway shortly Mistress took care of things and it was better and we were tied up in a very complicated way which was very nice, it was interesting to have to cooperate with sis because we were bound so closely together and it looks forward to more experiences like that, and the beating we received was wonderful…it’s ashamed its such a pain-slut but it loves it. And Mistress stood on us and sat on us which was also heaven… then when all that was done Mistress gave both of us an absolutely incredible gift that we have both been yearning since this one arrived, she let us have our way with each other. it was so incredibly wonderful journal, it made it realize just how intensely it missed real passionate sex with a partner in a romantic rather than a being used way, it was amazingly satisfying, and it loved how rough sis was with this one, leaving such beautiful bites and marks all over its body, it’s so proud of them (although she was a little too rough with this one’s clit, but it’s ok) and moreover it was so glad not only that it was able to express it’s love and caring for sis in a physical way but that Mistress was able to see how deeply Her slaves care for each other and allowed us this incredible gift. Mistress showed us that She can love-bite even harder than sis though, pulling lovely blood right through our skin *sigh* now it’s all covered in pretty marks from both of T/them and it couldn’t be happier. Then Mistress let us come up on the bed and we all hung out, relaxing (especially while this one’s head was still spinning and it was still floating down from outer-space from the experience) watching Her play games and then later telling lots of funny jokes, it was positively enamored with Mistress in that moment, it loves Her with all it’s heart, and sis too. it was sad too though because we were talking about what might happen soon and it really dreads that outcome, and it hurt it to hear the pain Mistress felt about the whole situation in Her voice…it wishes it could do anything to help this situation be better, but again it knows that the way it feels for Her and the feelings it has to control for Her kind of bias it in this situation, so it will just do it’s best to support both Mistress and Master and not influence the situation (in particular it believes it should not make a show of trying to find a job like it did last week during this time to make things easier for Him) anyway from there Mistress let us read each others past and recent projects which was incredibly illuminating for it, though honestly sis thinks better of this one’s abilities and development as a slave than is really true which while it made it happy that she thought of it that way also made it sad for itself, but it did learn an incredible amount about her from her original assignment. Anyway journal we’re just going to take it easy maybe watch a movie or something before bed. Tonight was just absolutely wonderful, it doesn’t know how to say it more fully but it loves Mistress with all it’s heart and is so happy to be at Her feet, She makes everything wonderful for it, She guides it to such places of pure joy, it owes Her everything. it hopes everything goes well for us over the next short while…but like Mistress told it, it always knows that everything will be ok by the grace of Her.

10-27-11

Well journal it has an awful lot of things to talk about to you tonight. Today was a pretty intense day for a number of reasons.  Where to begin… early in the morning it woke up and did all it’s chores and stuff. Mistress texted it about the plane tickets and it got the idea that perhaps since it’s grandparents were offering to pay for it to fly back for thanksgiving they would be willing to help us out for Christmas and perhaps we could save money. Anyway it talked to it’s mom about it and we will see what happens,  it had a very lovely conversation with her besides. it also finally got a message back from one of it’s friends who it thought abandoned it after it sent a ‘hey like what’s the deal?’ message and he apologized for being flaky and hopefully it’ll be better from here on. Anyway the morning and early afternoon this one and sis mainly hung out and we had soooo super much fun it felt once again like it grew much closer to sis, we watched shows and chatted a bunch about all kinds of things and it even shared some interesting things with her and she with this one, so it was so happy, it loves it’s sis so much. Anyway, the sink was backed up (still is) so Master went with us on a little adventure to the store after the construction people unblocked it’s car which was fun. it was actually really nice Master ordered it to do a bunch of things today which was absolutely wonderful since He usually doesn’t, maybe He is becoming more comfortable with this one or something but at any rate it was very thankful for Him doing so. Anyway it was super tired (it got the appropriate amount of sleep but it just felt like so drained, it’s body felt all beat up…especially it’s neck, hehe) when it got home so it took a nap until Mistress got home when we tried to fix the drains but apparently we will have to wait on maintenance to do it. From there it started talking to Snowy again and sis started making dinner which was this really interesting idea Master suggested, and it helped doing the side stuff and it turned out really well. After dinner Mistress gave it the game money She promised which it was so grateful for and it got the champion it wanted in lol and we played a few games. Then we were going to watch a movie but Mistress decided not to so it just went back on the computer and kept talking to Snowy. She and this one have really hit it off actually, it feels like she is a very, very special friend to this one already and since she is also friends with all of us it really feels like she is a member of the family and it’s so glad she’s close, it can’t wait to meet her. it won’t wax on about our conversation here since it’s not the appropriate place but it will mention some pertinent things. She was talking to this one about some of the negative experiences she has had in the past and how the members of her family helped her through it, in particular she described the relationship she has with her mate which sounds absolutely wonderful, it is so happy for her and even a little envious. On the other hand she also talked about the difficulties with her Master, and in that aspect this one things she is a little envious of this one so it supposes there is balance. But it has been so glad to discover we have so much in common, and she is such an easy person to talk to and a great listener, this one can tell we are going to be great friends. Anyway while we were talking after Mistress and Master had gone to the bedroom They called us in and we were both quite surprised to be greeted by a naked Master and Mistress. At first it was hard for it to get in the swing of things since from what this one was talking about and thinking about on the computer it wasn’t really in the mood but very quickly with everyone there and everyone touching it it stopped feeling like it was pressured to perform flawlessly and could just enjoy itself, especially when Mistress told it this was just for pleasure…it actually made it really happy to know that its times being used are for it’s enjoyment too and it doesn’t have to be so tense about performing perfectly…it supposes it knew that before but it was very comforting to hear Mistress say that.  And as we went on things got very, very, very good, when Master was filling this one up hard and repeatedly and Mistress was pleasing this one with Her hands and She and sis were playing with it’s chest and we were all pressed together in a single sweating moaning mass it felt like we were one, and it was in heaven, honestly it was some of the most intense pleasure it has ever felt on both a physical and emotional level, we all were one and in the thrusts and between its desperate gasps it’s mind was completely obliterated in bliss.  it was just so wonderful and it was so immensely thankful to Master and Mistress for that gift, it could hardly walk, for like an hour afterwards it’s whole body and soul were just vibrating in happiness. After taking a shower to clean up it came back online and kept talking to Snowy and we had a wonderful conversation, we’re becoming really close and it is so grateful to her for the things she said, this one was still feeling kind of strange since it didn’t know how really to interpret what had just happened to it, on the one hand it finds it quite difficult to enjoy being used without any build up, especially since it’s favorite thing in the universe is the intimacy and affection and long slow powerful build of passion during sex, not even necessarily the act itself, but at the same time when it gave in it found itself in such immense pleasure and Snowy helped this one work through that. She also encouraged this one to talk more to Mistress about what it tried to in its journal last week and again when we had our review about the journal but feels like it failed to, especially since in that circumstance. it was really easy for it to fumble over its words. But she encouraged it to let Her know here that what it was trying to say is that for a number of reasons it feels uncomfortable for asking so, especially since Mistress and Master don’t engage in it much or in the same way in Their own relationship between Them it feels unfair to ask for or need it itself, but it does wish it could be more physically intimate with Mistress (it would say Master too but it knows that's unlikely)  at all times not just in certain situations, and actually especially with feeling more comfortable approaching Her with this need like yesterday when we all laid together on the pet bed this has been getting a lot better, but it still should express that this is what it meant by ‘loneliness’ last time, this need it feels for physical affection from the One it loves. it gets this sort of from its sis but it really feels like we’re sisters so it’s not quite the same, whereas it feels totally different with Mistress. it doesn’t want Her to think that She is doing anything wrong or has been anything but completely open with it and generous to it in all ways, but the chat tonight made it realize that it needs to be more explicit about it’s needs…that as much as it feels like an observer of it’s own life and as much as it knows it’s wants and needs are to be subordinated to Mistress’ and Master’s that they still are important and also belong to Them. it knows everything will get better, we’re just getting started and this one still has so much to learn and it trusts Them completely so it knows everything will be ok, but it is very appreciative to Snowy for encouraging it to speak up a little more and comforting it at a very vulnerable moment. Anyway it could go on but it’s head is still all over the place with just so many overwhelming emotions that it fears it’s being altogether incoherent so it will say goodnight for now journal.

10-28-11

Journal it doesn’t quite know what to talk to you about tonight. today was a very strange but interesting day. We all woke up about the same time and played video games and such, this one got to make breakfast for Master and sister which it was happy to do, and from there we played some games of lol and watched FMA. This one went to pick up Mistress and took Her to the store and was glad to see that She wasn’t in a bad mood like Master had thought and it was glad to be able to pick Her up to help Her out. From there when we got home this one made dinner which turned out pretty well it thinks and then sis and this one went out to get groceries and had an interesting talk as always along the way, it also talked to it’s family on the phone a couple of times during the day about strange things. When it got home things went well it was glad the drain had been fixed and we played a game of lol with Mistress and sis which was lots of fun, and then we all watched this awesome chic flick together, it was the one it kind of suggested so it was worried it wasn’t going to be good but it was so awesome, such a tear jerk-er and just what this one needed to see now, and Mistress laid with us with her legs on top of us and fed this one popcorn so it was in heaven. From there it just chatted online while Master and Mistress were in the bedroom and it also got to wait on Them a little after They were done which was nice, from there it just had to run sis her badge which she accidentally forgot, and it was glad to be able to help out, and Master rode with it which was fun, this is the first time it has gotten to drive in SD at night which it really enjoyed and was really beautiful, it’s best driving at night. Anyway from there this one just got back and chatted more with sis and snowy a bit over Skype and talked with Master about silly videos on the internet which was lots of fun all around. Again it has little to say tonight journal other than all that, so it will say goodnight since it is late.

10-29-11

Journal once again it’s not quite sure what to tell you about today, today was a rather ordinary day. it woke up rather early and it was very, very cold, but thankfully since it was feeling rather tired Mistress gave it permission to take a nap, and then we all took a nap for a good bit longer, but when it woke up it felt very refreshed and was able to get all the chores done easily. sis woke up shortly thereafter and we cleaned the bathroom and then we set about unpacking and organizing the boxes from the storage, which took up pretty much the rest of the day. it was glad it got to make lunch for everyone during the middle, which was fun, and it was also fun to see all the stuff Mistress was pulling out. Throughout the course of the day we were all having a discussion which Master was at the center of, it was fun at parts, especially when it got to articulate some of its ideas about the evolution of humanity and the future of technology and stuff, but at other times it was a little annoying, especially for sister when we were talking about possibilities in the D&D game she was thinking about running for us. But other than that little else happened, we finished unpacking and tidied up and then this one mostly just got on the computer and talked to snowy about it’s writing, which was very nice and she was very helpful, it’s glad that it thinks that thanks to her it might actually get out of the rut it’s been in with it’s writing. Anyway it has little else to say about today, as we mostly just worked on that one thing and it has no further observations.

10-30-11

Journal once again it doesn’t feel like it has a whole-whole lot to talk to you about tonight that is terribly interesting. Today it woke up and had a little touching base chat with Mistress, then got all nice and clean and shortly thereafter sis got up and Mistress and she and this one went out to do groceries, which was fun as always, especially since we went for a walk and had some connection time between us. When we got back sis and this one did laundry, which was fun as always since we got to chat and cut up, we had a particularly fun tickle fight in which this one won through mewing adorably, meaning my plan was successful, mwahaha. it sorted out the issues with the plane ticket (for the most part) and found out that we’re still on course to go to ConFursion in January, which should also be super fun. Afterwards we all kind of took it easy. Mistress wasn’t feeling terribly well all day so this one and sis hung out with Her to try to make Her feel as much better as possible, including awesome things like foot rubs and all of us laying together. Honestly this one felt like it was the one being spoiled, not Her, getting to lay it’s head on Her while She caressed it, it craves each of those moments where She allows it to be near Her and we were so close tonight it was just absolutely in bliss. it loves Mistress with all it’s heart…if it has had doubts about many other things it doesn’t doubt that. Anyway we watched a bunch of cool scary movies and shows, and then everyone went to sleep (including Master, quite early for Him) and so this one has just been writing it’s journal, thinking about it’s writing some and talking to snowy (who it seems will be joining us for the submissive voice meet and coming to visit us for the evening on Wednesday, which is super awesome!) Anyway journal little else to report beyond that…this one is really just hoping everything goes well tomorrow. Everyone is kind of holding their breath, it feels like.