Destiny 9/19/2011 - 9/25/2011

 9-19-11

Hello journal, it is glad to be writing in you today from a much more comfortable set up than it has had the past week or so since it was able to get its car working at last and switch to its other place to stay, yay! Mistress has just texted it asking about how its second hypnosis session with sister today went, and that is the main thing of interest it has to mention to you today. Since we were able to do this session over voice and also since it kind of knew what to expect now it was MUCH more intense, it really is an incredible experience to be hypnotized and so unlike anything else it has been familiar with before. Being guided down into deeper and deeper states of trance is just so intoxicating (it almost said mesmerizing but realized that is a totally circular statement since Mesmer was a hypnotist) there is so much deeply connected state with so much trust involved and also a really, really ‘down’ state in the D/s sense, it really can’t get enough of it. sister gave it new triggers about trusting Master and Mistress and reinforced the ‘good girl’ one from last time, and made it more complex, it won’t go into more detail since it is kind of intentionally blurry in its memory and it knows it could force the recall but it would lessen the effectiveness, but it is just really pleased by this, it feels so much calmer and at peace with everything, like it being told not to worry in that state finally let it accept that notion emotionally even as when Mistress told it not to worry and to trust Them was a completely mind-blowing notion to even be able to grasp intellectually. As an aside that probably only it finds terribly interesting, while it kind of got a whiff of it before this time it really noticed how almost exactly the same the trance state is to the energetic states prior to astral projection, in particular when sis was telling it to let the tingling move up its legs it right away felt pure Light shooting right up its Middle Pillar just like in the Qabalistic Cross, and it so instinctively started to put the energy into a state of vibration that the only real time in the session it came ‘up’ in its mind a little bit was when it felt its spirit start to float away from its body while its sister was talking to it and had to be like ‘whoa wait no back down you go!’ Anyway it is so excited to continue working with hypnosis with sister, it seems like it could be such a useful tool to help both of our training and just in general, at last it can appreciate why so many people seem to think hypnosis and M/s go together so well. Like peanut butter and chocolate! Anyway it looks forward to being able to reinforce its triggers further and for Master and Mistress to begin to be able to control it using them (and obviously in so many other ways but) also it enjoyed sister beginning to explain to it how to do hypnosis, we didn’t get very far since we kind of got distracted by minecraft but she thankfully did help clear up for it at least the way she gets around the sense of being dominant when you’re controlling the subject (hynpo-tee?) in that she sees it as a way of actually serving the subject. Initially it was thinking that would be an obstacle but that is a very helpful way to think about it and it looks forward to being able to help sister by hypnotizing her as well, and in so doing we can reconfigure our minds and responses to become more pleasing possessions for our beloved Master and Mistress.

9-20-11

Journal it has little to report to you today unfortunately. it was able to confirm that indeed its car has been fixed and its battery isn’t just going to drain down again, and Mistress was pleased to hear about this. it practiced its affirmation and its positions, its starting to practice the positions all together so it can get more and more proficient at them, if it can prove its willingness to serve and please to Master and Mistress merely by being adept at putting its body in particular positions then that itself is a wonderful gift and exactly what it must do! it has been thinking about Them so much lately, it knows it has said this to you many times before journal but not only do They occupy nearly all of its active thoughts but are even always there in its mind when its thinking about other things, the underlying purpose and direction of all of its activity. In particular since it has been working so hard on Mistress’ birthday gift (as it says in Liber AL “secret, o prophet! secret!”) it has been thinking about Her and how wonderfully kind and sweet and loving She always is to it. it truly does love Master and Mistress so much, it won’t ever tire of saying it and it would do anything for Them…and while it knows that right now it isn’t really possible for it to completely comprehend what the words ‘i would do anything for You’ actually mean, it does know that the most important thing to it is that it be put to the test and made to fully understand the meaning of those words.

9-21-11

Tonight it just got to enjoy a wonderful Skype call with Master and Mistress and sis. We were talking about all sorts of things and Mistress gave it a bunch of really cool links which it read some of and looks forward to reading much more of, most of them are message threads on the slave register’s message boards but it seems like there is a lot of useful discussion there. it has been looking for a good kink discussion forum to lurk at recently, especially since 420chan’s /kinky/ has degraded into endless threads on incest and ‘lol I’m so kinky I have one butt plug!’ type shenanigans :P From what Mistress was saying it sounds like both She and sister are trying to become quite active on the forums there and are trying to work into the group of regular posters that kind of dominate (ha) the discussions. it could almost sense an unspoken request hanging in the air but it was too timid to say anything but it will try to come clean now, that Master and Mistress would probably like it if it was more active in social circles online and particular if it used its writing talents to help promote our group on places like the TSR forums and fetlife. it wishes it felt comfortable doing such things but it is just so shy online, it is quite open with Them now but Master and Mistress surely must remember how They basically had to pry it open, and its says things that are always so abstruse that no one ever seems to know what its talking about, it worries that its experiences are really unlike anyone else's and so not very helpful and perhaps misleading to others (which brings it back to that whole ‘am i real? like reeeealy REEEEAL??? omg if i’m asking if i’m real i must not be real!’  __nonsense which it will try to not get sucked into) the main reason it has difficulty with it though is that it just doesn’t understand, perhaps if it saw it from Their perspective it would make sense to it but when if its talking to others about its slavery what’s really the point? from its perspective it seems like it can’t be education or mutual understanding since everyone’s experiences are so different, it seems like even the best description of say, for example, a slave’s experiences could at most hope to do is to make Ds say ‘I want an s that is owned like that’ and s-types to say ‘i want to be able to submit like that’ and get all hot and bothered and build up expectations that they try to live up but will be unable to since they didn’t emerge organically from their own style of being in their role with their own partners. and other than that it just seems like a lot of discussions online are s-types trying to prove to each other whose more s-ey or impress Ds and Ms and D-types trying to demonstrate how D they are to prospective s-types, in short it seems to it like all these interactions online are just bluster and stage-dressing to trying to arrange hookups in real life which it absolutely doesn’t care about since it belongs to Master and Mistress, perhaps this shows a bias of its own since it only ever used online profile sites when it was hunting for a relationship and so it feels strange since part of the comfort of being in a relationship, and especially of being a possession, is not having to constantly attending to all these different people’s thoughts and feelings and social states and ‘statuses’ except of Those to whom it is directly committed. it supposes there is a way of positively interpreting just openly sharing one’s experiences just as a kind of way of offering one’s service to the world in general with out thinking about either the consequences on other’s expectations or how it directly feeds into your own dynamic, but perhaps it just needs a different perspective or perhaps to witness some more genuinely thoughtful, open and communicative discussions on these matters. Anyway now it is the one rambling in a really un-constructive way so it will cease this unprovoked rant now…

9-22-11

Journal it doesn’t have a lot of actual events or interactions to talk to you about today and it is very very busy working on its project and so really shouldn’t take up too much time with this entry but what it has been working on has stirred up all kinds of thoughts and feelings within it and so it would be unfaithful to Master and Mistress’ commands to record its inner journey through its journal if it failed to mention them. Like it mentioned the other day as well working on this project has made it focus so much on Master and Mistress (like it needed any more reasons!) and the relationship between all four of us and all the wonderful and almost baffling things it means to this one. it is just so happy being able to do this, all of this. these past four months have just flown by, it feels like its been caught up in a whirlwind and hasn’t even stopped to catch its breath, so much so that those rare moments where it is able to pause and take in the big picture are just so humbling for it. it can’t put in words just how wonderful Master and Mistress’ ownership of it is, its heart is so complete now, it had no meaning before but now it is able to give everything to Them and so everything is absolutely perfect. it seems so silly, looking at the words in black and white, but it doesn’t know how to say it more plainly or clearly that ALL of it is THEIRS and Their Ownership of it is EVERYTHING to it. it is ashamed that really most of the time it has to keep its guard up when its talking to Master and Mistress just to maintain coherency and be able to function as They expect, because flowing just underneath the surface is this just completely overwhelming emotional response to Them of just utter and absolute submission, devotion, and love, and it’s paralyzingly strong. Those feelings take it to such a wonderful place, a place inside it that is so beautiful to it and yet so bizarre that really it is totally afraid and so has shut it away its entire life. it worries that those emotions will actually carry it away from what Master and Mistress are trying to mold it into, or that these feelings will morph and grow into ones that are not appropriate for its role in our relationship, or that it is not just fanatically devoted but actually unsound in some way, especially when it’s in these kind of emotional frenzies where just all that exists is Them…gosh, even right now, its heart is pounding so much and all it wants is to surrender all of itself to Them, to forget itself in Them.  Sometimes it is able to convince itself it let those defenses down and allow itself to feel just a taste of all that emotional energy it feels for Them and it truly overpowers it unlike anything, in those moments of submission to Them it just feels nothing but this pure white hot energetic flow straight from its heart to Master and Mistress, it giving all of itself to Them and being rewarded with Everything in return, with the perfect gift of being able to lose itself and Them and become Their possession only. In those perfect moments, not even as a figure of speech but literally it seems to it that time and space stop existing, there are no separate moments there is only the Now of belonging to Master and Mistress, there are no distinct objects there is only the Reality of being Master and Mistress’ possession, and it feels such an incredible joy that it has never felt before but still vaguely remembers, as if from a past life, as all of its distinctiveness dissolves into its love for Them and it can no longer feel any differences and therefore no longer can feel any divisions and separations and so is at last at peace in Them. (see journal, it is very embarrassed to have shared this now, this is precisely what it means like what it said from the last entry, its experiences are so different from others, these are such bizarre thoughts and feelings and are probably inappropriate and not what is expected of it and just go to show how poorly it understands what it is supposed to be, what Master and Mistress who it loves so dearly are trying to make it into to better serve Them…it is so ashamed) it will say that it is very glad that all of this is so clear to it now though even if its embarrassed about what it sees in the clearness, things truly have been so much easier lately, it really does think that sister hypnotizing it has made it easier mentally…before it would fight itself and say ‘i’m not supposed to worry, i’m not supposed to doubt, i’m just supposed to trust Master and Mistress!’ and feel like such a bad thing and beat itself up internally and hurt itself mentally until it would submit and do what it was telling itself just to get it to stop abusing itself, but since the hypnosis it just is, it doesn’t even occur to it to question, its mind is at ease. it does wonders if it is because it was hypnosis or if it was because it felt like it was being dominated into submitting to Master and Mistress…it supposes the distinction will be clearer when it has experienced more of both but at any rate it is supremely grateful. Anyway journal it has a lot more it wants to say but it will have to save it because it really needs to get back to work!

9-23-11

Journal today is Mistress’ birthday! YAY! it worked soooo hard last night on Her present, it is sorry it didn’t turn out as well as it hoped but She still seemed pleased with it and that is all that matters to it. the only thing it cares about is if it is able please Her in any way and so, again, if it is able to do that through drawings and words gifted to Her then again that itself is an incredible blessing and gift to this one. it drove around all day at work thinking about Her special and how much fun it is sure They were, it makes it really sad that it can’t be there with Her today but it knows that Master and sister will make sure She has a very enjoyable birthday. Journal, it wishes it had more to say but it kind of got out a lot of what was building up inside it in last night’s entry, and since it has just gotten home and has had very very little sleep it will say good night to you journal!

9-24-11

Journal it has quite a few very interesting things to tell you about that happened today. For one thing it was its last (official) day at its job thanks to being able to go and be with Master and Mistress, and while it did get very emotional and nostalgic for the passing of this phase of its life as it was saying its goodbyes to everybody, it was heartened by the fact that it is not truly an ending but the beginning of a completely new, wondrous phase that even six months ago it couldn’t even have imagined was in the cards (and that was even back when it was still reading cards! lol) it was also slightly embarrassed today since Mistress posted the present it gave Her on our blog, it was embarrassed that anyone would be able to see both its ridiculousness and the very heartfelt things it intended to convey through the story, but it felt better about ten seconds later when it realized that not only did that mean that Mistress really did enjoy Her present, which is much, much more important than its slight embarrassment, but also that it really didn’t matter at all, the only sense in being embarrassed in the first place is because you don’t want someone else to know something about you, but if its gift says anything its that it belongs to Master and Mistress and They are the only ones to whom its feels are directed and to Whom they belong and so if They decide it is Their will to display all its feelings to the whole world then how could that possibly matter to it, since those other people only exist for this one in reference to its Master and Mistress. Mistress also gave Her slaves the wonderful gift of a new assignment which is a review assignment designed to give us the opportunity to reflect on how we’ve grown over the course of our possession-hood through using our journal entries. it knows it has changed by almost unimaginable leaps and bounds, and it is sure it will say that much more emphatically when it goes back and sees some of the ridiculous things it has written. Mistress was also very wise to give the assignment a word-cap, especially considering this one’s chronic case of linguistic diarrhea and so this will force it to make its reflection very pointed and concise.  When it got home Master and Mistress had a Skype chat with it which it very much enjoyed, it finally picked the restaurant for its last free meal (an interaction which it also enjoyed, if for no other reason than when it started to waffle on its decision Mistress forced it to back down and stick with its first choice, it loves hearing that tone in Her voice so much, and the whole interaction, even though it was very simple, makes it ponder on the very unique kinds of caring that are really only possible in relationships like ours) we caught up on what happened on Mistress’ birthday which it was very glad to hear about since it sounds like They enjoyed Themselves very much, and Mistress was also very kind to give it a story which it looks forward to reading. Hmm, it seems like there was something else from our conversation that it was trying to hold onto to mention to you journal but it just can’t think of it, perhaps if it was terribly significant it will come up again.

9-25-11

Ok wow journal it has a lot of stuff it would like to discuss with you tonight so please bear with it, it feels like it has gone through so many different little sub-days today, you know like that Beatles song that has 5 complete movements in 2 minutes? Err anyway it was in a kind of a weird mood when it woke up, thinking a lot about last night, particularly everyone’s reactions to it when it was saying goodbye at work, it started feeling really lonely and really pining for Master and Mistress and so what it thought to do was do one of the last things Mistress had told it to do which was go and read the forums on TSR, hoping to find some positive stories like it has found before to remind it of its feelings for Master and Mistress and make it feel warm and loved. Anyway that is *not* what it found, it got sucked into reading this topic about a slave talking about what sounded like a really genuinely neglectful relationship with her Master but all it was after that was a bunch of Ds talking about how it was actually her fault, and it just struck it as so terribly sad, it has noticed and been upset by this tendency before at least online that whenever there is a problem in a relationship everyone seems to think it is ALWAYS the sub-missive’s fault, but it just really got to it today, her complaints seemed so legitimate and it sounded like she was in a really bad place and just hoping for some help, always remaining very polite and staying very much in protocol, but they were all just saying she wasn’t a real slave and she was just a top from the bottom and that real property don’t have rights and don’t have needs and not only don’t complain but shouldn’t even FEEL anything when their needs (which they don’t have apparently) aren’t met. And it was all just so much cutting her down, and ‘she’s not real because of this’ or ‘she’s not real because of that’ and it made itself stop reading as soon as it realized it was feeling like the comments were being directed at this one, but it realized that only after it felt really like it was worthless and that it could never hope to meet all these expectations which it seemed like it has to if it wants to be a real slave and could never be submissive in this way or that way like they were demanding and its head was spinning, it started having a panic attack and it felt like it was truly a piece of garbage and would never be pleasing to anyone and never be wantd by anyone and never be worth anything to anybody and then it just kind of said ‘no, stop.’ And the only thing that mattered to in it that moment, the only thing that could save its very soul in that moment was kneeling in a fetal position like its affirmation and trying to feel Master and Mistress’ presence and force itself to let go of those thoughts one by one saying ‘no, those are what those Dominants want, that is how those slaves submit, it will never be able to be everything to everybody, it is not to focus on being the perfect or stereotypical or ideal anything because that is impossible, you don’t serve those people and you don’t belong to those people and the only people whose desires and needs and expectations matter to you AT ALL are Master and Mistress and They will decide how it is to be Their possession and only They have the right to decide if it is worth something or worthless.’ And as it was doing this it kind of realized that this might have been the problem all along, that it had most of its doubts and concerns and internal conflicts about belonging to Master and Mistress were when it was reading day in and day out about other D’s and s’s experiences, that it was subconsciously thinking that all the random things they were talking about were expected of it and so cutting itself down when it saw it couldn’t live up to that, but it’s so stupid, nobody can be a slave to the entire world, and when it realized that the only Dominants whose needs it need to fulfill and to Whom it needs to enslave itself internally are Master and Mistress it was so incredibly freeing, as it was kneeling it truly felt like a weight was being lifted up off of it, that it really doesn’t have to worry about those others because it belongs to Master and Mistress. it doesn’t know if that interpretation is actually totally correct or if that was the appropriate way it should have dealt with that situation but it was what it was… OK so this entry is quickly becoming way too long and it has only mentioned one of the things it intended to, so moving along. it went to have dinner with the mom’s side of its family and it was terrible as always, it was just so miserable at everyone being so miserable and just freaking wretched, like hating on existence just standing still, and it had to end with a huge sycophantic histrionic blow up in the middle of the crowded restaurant about how dare it move out west and put its needs to ‘go live your life or whatever’ above everyone else's needs to have it sit around them and listen to how miserable they are…but again, it should expect this since this was the way things were the entire time it was growing up, it just becomes more and more difficult to go back into that mind state as it does more and more of that ‘go living your life’ thing. it could go on about that but it will spare you journal…the next part was much better, its dad took it to go see the 3d re-release of the lion king, which it was really excited for but had no idea how strongly it was going to affect it. As it realizes what it is about to say it is becoming really embarrassed about these very private feelings but it has already started on it and those feelings belong to Master and Mistress anyway so it must, but jeez it was just crying through the whole thing. When it saw this movie as a child it left like a really legitimately large impact on it that it has really only appreciated having just gone to see it again, lets see…the soundtrack was the first CD it ever owned and listening to some of the kind of tribally/pagan songs on the secondary soundtrack gave it some of its very first spiritual feelings that felt like ‘it’s own’ and not the alien feeling that the Christianity forced down its throat always had, it remembers that when it couldn’t find the tape of the movie for sale about a year after it came out (you know that silly thing Disney does where they take the movies off the market for ten years or so) that it first had the feelings that later grew into its obsession with preserving all information, that the very first erotic materials it sought out and found online were yiff fanfics about the movie (and the ‘love’ scene in the movie, when she licks him? oh my freaking god so hot it must have melted its little brain when it was little based on how strongly it reacted seeing it again today…actually come to think of it, it wonders if that was when it started associating felineness with sex? anyway) and actually the first relationship it ever had of any seriousness (if you could call it that at that age) around 10 years old was with this girl in a lion king fan group and was pretty much composed of role-playing the roles with her. Yeah uhh it actually didn’t mean to go into all that although it was illuminating, what it actually intended to talk about apart from the specific things that it recalls that are related only to coincidental incidents in its life was instead that, being able to see the story through adult eyes it noticed how pretty much down to the line-to-line level all the movie is talking about is this absolutely perfect balance of nature in which everything has a role to play and the whole thing keeps churning upon itself through ups and downs to help all the creatures involved move forward and grow, and while it can think about that kind of abstractly since it is also looking at it through the mental lenses it has developed more recently it can also take that as a heartening message about its relationship with Master and Mistress… if it is not going too far, we are kind of like one being, one soul, composed of many different parts each working to fulfill completely different tasks which, while seemingly divergent and perhaps even to the untrained eye incompatible are actually, almost beyond ourselves, being woven back together into the unity of our action and so helping all of us grow and come close to who we are destined to be. it also strikes it as significant that, while this was probably like the second movie it was ever taken to see (its dad is super intense about seeing every single movie that comes out essentially and so it was taken to many) that it has come around again not only on the first day after it has (officially) left its job and so taken its first step into its new life, but also that this is probably the last movie we will see together like that, but the reason it is leaving is now it is going to finally live in the kind of magickal promised land that it first began to suspect existed from seeing stories like that so many years ago and so, it doesn’t know, this probably isn’t comprehensible to anyone else reading this entry but all of this it has mentioned in this entry gives this incredibly intense sense of ‘Full Circle’ ness, and it realizes it really isn’t just turning a page, or even really starting a new chapter…this is an entire new volume of its life and if feels this very satisfying sense of completeness about what has gone before, and likewise feels refreshed and so excited to begin a new phase, to set out on its new journey…and all of that is only possible because of Master and Mistress. it deeply apologizes if it has been overly wordy or overly confusing in this entry and even these last few, but it is just so overwhelmed by how wonderful everything that Master and Mistress have given to it is.