8-30-11
Hello
Journal, it has a few things of interest to mention today. it has begun
practicing the new ‘stool’ position with its affirmation, and is starting to
get its feel for it. it also texted briefly with sister kajira, Mistress had
suggested to it that she was feeling down about having to serve Master and Mistress
by working outside, and so it tried to check on her. it has actually made it
sort of feel bad and become a little self-aware by seeing how affected sister
is by this, since it has sort of the exact opposite situation, it draws comfort
at work from knowing that it is doing it for Master and Mistress because that
work itself is what is getting it closer to Master and Mistress on a practical
level, whereas poor sister is already with Master and Mistress but must serve
Them in so indirect a way. it knows it was shocked to hear the difficulty of
her schedule especially considering the way it aligns with Master and
Mistress,’ it really hopes it will be able to contribute in a way when it
arrives that Master and Mistress will be able to develop a more comfortable
schedule for her and us. But it is also glad both that it will soon be fixed on
a practical level and also that Master and Mistress have devised so great a way
to help sister deal with it, by writing down the text from our collars on a
paper that sister can keep with her throughout the day to remind her of Master
and Mistress. it thinks this is
brilliant, this is literally the next best thing to actually having Master and
Mistress’ collar on one’s neck for a reminder that is possible, and so it knows
how very special it must be to sister. it makes it think of both the way it
feels when it is in trouble or anxious or afraid and, back when it was more
actively into magick, touch or concentrate energy in its lament pendant, and
now about its desire to have on even its own current training collar, or even
imagining and really feeling it there in similar times when the physical one
isn’t actually around its neck, the tremendous sense of belonging and purpose,
meaning and possession-hood. it may be getting slightly off topic here journal,
but it actually strikes it as both a little bit funny and strikingly beautiful,
the layers of symbolism, that a paper with the text from our collars is a
symbol to remind us of our collar, that the collar itself is a symbol to remind
us to the oath of possession-hood written on it, that the oath itself is a
symbol of the dynamic of our relationship with, service and belonging to Master
and Mistress, and even that that itself is, after a fashion, a symbol of the
underlying abstract and transcendent union between Us/us that is merely
facilitated by all these symbols.
8-31-11
Journal,
it is writing in you today just before its affirmation, as it wishes to record
some thoughts that occur to it contemplating the new position Master and
Mistress have given it to practice before its affirmation, ‘stool.’ Journal, it
has remarked to you many times about how remarkable it is that things that it
had originally thought it would find no interest in, or difficult, or even
objectionable have been shown by Master and Mistress to it to be in many cases
wonderful, desireable or even a part of it. Back at the beginning of its
service it seems to recall Mistress mentioning to it about how it should expect
to be used as a stool, and this is also in its rules. While it never found
anything objectionable about this practice, it had known for some time that
this was a fairly usual D/s (it supposes also a little S/M) practice, but it
just seemed so uninteresting, or that no one would ever actually want to engage
in it, even from either perspective. Which was why it was surprised finding
itself very much anticipating and desiring being able to serve Master and
Mistress this way. it remembers a description sister gave of serving as
Mistress’ footrest, and how excited it made it,
and performing this position has made it look forward to doing so even
more. While it can’t speak from experience, it actually thinks it kind of neat
the way it seems like it would actually be extremely pleasant, at least as it
imagines. While obviously if being sat on the physical aspect is much more
intense and also actually extremely intimate and humiliating (in the good
sense) so it can see very easily the interest in that, but the amount of
contact is much less when serving as a footrest for example, so it is less
about the physical contact and more about the psychological play which, again
it imagines, is similar to the psychologically pleasurable side of bondage,
apart from the physical side, being immobilized and detained in a completely
mentally un-stimulating position for an indeterminate amount of time purely for
the pleasure of Master or Mistress, is itself extremely pleasurable. it wishes
it could put its finger on it…it is almost as though the sublimity of this act
is in the way it enables the slave to offer up even its boredom and idleness to
its ownership and service to Master and Mistress, which makes it not idleness
but blessed service and not boring but drawing its attention to They to Whom it
attends, which means even in being inactive it is able to give itself to its
Master and Mistress, which the most basic need of a slave. So journal it will
now with relish practice this stool position and perform its affirmation,
having worked itself quite into a tizzy discussing these thoughts with you,
haha.
9-1-11
Journal,
it comes to you considerably more down than it was when last we spoke. For one
thing, it does not know if its entries in you have been lost, at least up to
the ones which are already saved by having been given to Master and Mistress,
since it has lost all its computer’s data. For another thing, it was very upset
at itself that it had planned its day so poorly yesterday that it was doing its
affirmation just before it had to go to its best friend’s going away party and
so it did not get to talk to Master and Mistress and sister very long, it
wishes it had just planned the times better, but it is hard to know on what
days Master and Mistress will be free to chat with it and such. Honestly it
looks forward to the time when it won’t have to figure out its own schedule at
all, it will be such an incredible relief. In general it has no problem doing
things and nothing but problems figuring out what its supposed to do….and thus
its a perfect fit with Master and Mistress :) . For a third thing it had an
awful time at said party. it felt really out of place, it was kind of separate
from everyone else and no one really wanted to talk to it. There was a moment
when we had just started hanging out and enjoying ourselves and everyone was
really excited and happy that it almost forgot itself, and then all at once it
got that horrible feeling where you suddenly become totally self aware of
yourself, because it realized that part of why it felt so comfortable and like
it was expressing itself was that it had kind of randomly sat out on the floor
in the room’s middle, while everyone else was sitting and it had to look up at
them, and it thought to itself ‘yeah this probably looks strange i should
probably go sit in a chair…’. it guesses what its getting at is like it really
felt like it was in a different world from everyone else, and worse that none
of us were in the world we were trying to hearken back to but all far along our
roads in separate directions. it made it yearn for a future where it can be
where it belongs. it is looking forward to talking to Master and Mistress and
sister soon, since we haven’t gotten to talk this week, and all of these things
make it feel so distant from Them.
9-2-11
Journal,
it has little to report to you today. it worked all day, it performed its
affirmation early in the morning and again enjoyed practicing the stool
position, and also, during the day, it had a short conversation with Mistress
where we talked about its work and saving up for the trip, which it is
confident, even with a few loose ends to tie up, it will have more than enough
money for with time to spare before it has to stop working. Journal, it wishes
it had some more witty comments, banter, or even a small pearl of a clever
observation, but unfortunately it cannot think of any significant revelation
that it has had today regarding its service to Master and Mistress that it has
not already shared with you -- except perhaps to note that it does continually
seem to experience all those aspects it previously mentioned, such as the joy
it gets from working when it thinks about it being from Master and Mistress,
thinking about Them to calm itself, etc. aren’t at all phases but are
continually present sources of strength for it, which it is so grateful to
Master and Mistress for.
9-3-11
Journal,
it is so glad that it will hopefully get to talk to Master and Mistress
tomorrow. it misses Them very much, it feels so guilty and almost angry at
itself, it is upset because it is apart from Master and Mistress and yet is so
because of the fault of its own schedule, but which it must comfort itself in
by assuring itself it is for Master and Mistress, and so it is a kind of a
catch-22, or maybe a hedgehog’s dillema, and whats worse is it is sure it is
appearing to be a flaky slave to Master and Mistress by not being available to
talk when They would like, which, even if it is just a figment of its
paranoically insecure imagination, makes it feel worse and yearn more for more
contact with Master and Mistress. However, as Master and Mistress and even
sister always remind it whenever we talk, and how it focuses on itself, very
little time remains before it will at last be able to be with Master and
Mistress, and indeed at this point the only thing holding it back is a process
which it is really only carrying out for itself. it has even thought that if it
finds out that the name change, which is the only reason it is still waiting
here, will take even longer than expected, as it is seeming to take quite a while
now, it may just try to go about it another way in the future and just ask
Master and Mistress if it may come and be with Them early…the waiting is really
starting to get to it journal, it has to start living this for real, it so hard
to maintain it under these difficult circumstances. On the plus side, journal,
it believes it has found a way to save your three fellow entries from earlier
this week, and so will now put you to sleep as the computer draws them from the
ether.
9-4-11
Journal, it is writing in you now very late at night.
Mistress has instructed it to send in its journal tonight, and so it was
waiting for the computer to finish trying to resurrect the old files to be able
to edit a new file and also hopefully join you with your old entries.
Unfortunately, the overall recovery didn’t take (it will try again tomorrow)
but since it knew the location the file was stored it was able to successfully
recover just that part and get those entries back. it will now send you along
with the images of the positions to Master and Mistress, as it seems ‘stool’
was the last one since it was sent again ‘attention’ and so it will start
practicing them all in sequence, although it may have been an error and there
is actually one more position for it to learn, regardless it is happy and feels
accomplished that it has learned so many positions. Also, it was very glad that
it was able to recover its journal entries, the thought of losing them and
having to go back and trying to remember what it wrote was very unpleasant. it
has thought that now that it and its sisters entries are online it might be
more secure to post them directly there, or at least it should find a way to
back up its files more effectively. Anyway, today it had a Skype call with
Master and Mistress and sister which it very much enjoyed. For one thing, it
has been chastised on that point and will make an effort to refer to kajira
more informally. it realizes, as Mistress told it, that it sounds rather ridiculous
to constantly refer to her as ‘sister’ but it supposes it is a way of
redirecting one’s words when one is in the habit of constantly saying
‘Mistress’ or ‘Master’ in sentences as a way of affirming its own relationship
with Them, but, like it said, it realizes it probably sounded kind of silly…and
in a way that, because of the implicit power relationship, even the same
statements but directed to Master and Mistress do not. it also really enjoyed
just catching up and getting to hear everyone's voices…it does feel so distant
now, especially when it hears how nicely things are going there, it was a
little upset after the call because it felt a little helpless, it wanted to
badly to talk to Master and Mistress because it felt so disconnected from Them,
and while it loves our conversation it also reminded it how emphatically not
there it is, and so it felt trapped because it didn’t know how to calm itself
of its need for Master and Mistress’ presence. it was down further because it
saw its friends for the last time before they leave and will miss them more
than anything else back here, and then it couldn’t fulfill Mistress’ request
because its computer was still fixing itself, so it got lost in one of those
kind of dark reveries, feeling like so much has changed and so much has been
lost and feeling itself all alone and confused…it got really bad but when it
did it was able to comfort itself, thinking about Master and Mistress, wanting
to be close to Them and overcoming the pain of its distance from Them by at
last being able to remember that there are some bonds that exist outside the
circles of space and time.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.