Destiny 8/15/2011 - 8/21/2011

8-15-11

Journal today it got to have a very interesting conversation with its sister. When it spoke to Mistress She told it about kajira having some sort of realization that was really meaningful for her, and so we talked about it. it is very happy for its sister as she has had the incredible realization that EVERYTHING comes from Master and Mistress, that it is They in Their infinite grace and kindness who give us slaves every aspect of our existence as a gift which They have the right to withdraw at any time, and so everything is indeed a precious gift given to us by Master and Mistress which we must therefore cherish and not take for granted. it is so happy that sister had this revelation, and it seemed to have a big impact on her, and Mistress was also clearly very pleased at this development and told it that She is looking forward to it having the same experience. While it does already understand on an intellectual level that this is the case, it also knows that the experience of that realization, living day-to-day in the unfiltered reality of it is an entirely different thing which it cannot wait for, it is hungry to find rest and perfect surrender to Master and Mistress in being made by Them to realize, directly, that They are the source of all things to it and therefore all of it belongs to Master and Mistress.

8-16-11

Today Mistress gave it an assignment to complete. The assignment was rather simple, Master and Mistress gave one just like it to its sister to complete as well, but for some reason it just found it extraordinarily difficult. it has been kind of sick, and so its head is kind of fuzzy, and it was also kind of down, and both of these things contributed to making it slow going. Still, thinking through the questions, which were of a very general but descriptive nature, made it focus on and think very deeply about its relationship with Master and Mistress. the form of the questions were on what Master and Mistress have taught it, either about itself or in general, and taking stock of that really made it realize just how much it owes to Master and Mistress. it is so strange to think that it would say this, and yet it seems so true, that it almost seems like it hardly knew itself at all before it met Master and Mistress. At the very least, it feels like a totally different person than it was before and the world seems like such a radically different place, it can hardly imagine that the one came from the other, and that really nothing has changed except its relationship with Master and Mistress. But that itself is very telling, and what makes it so glad that Master and Mistress gave it this assignment to help it realize, that that therefore means that its relationship to Master and Mistress is everything to it, since changing that one thing changes everything, and that it has discovered a completely different self through its service to Master and Mistress, or -- more likely -- they have given a much deeper, older, more carefully hidden and more vulnerable self that was waiting within it a chance to blossom.

8-17-11

Journal, it has many things to tell you about today. its thoughts were very heavily with Master and Mistress, the contemplative mood from the assignment yesterday seems to have carried over. it discussed its assignment with Mistress a bit which made it glad, as always, and also makes it wonder what this ‘twist’ Mistress has mentioned might be. it also wishes it could go farther in its conversations with Master and Mistress, like today it always seems to get hung up on how it isn’t with Master and Mistress and so certain things are impossible, and it is worried that its beginning to sound like a broken record to Master and Mistress, They must get tired of hearing it pine to be with Them when all They can do is reassure it, its sure it doesn’t make things any easier for Them so it will try to find ways to keep this aspect out of sight until it is at last with Master and Mistress. Today Mistress gave it a new position to practice, ‘punishment,’ which is also a very interesting positions which it really looks forward to practicing. Mistress also decided today that She was going to post its sister’s and its journals online. it was very surprised that She did so, it kind of made it panic at first thinking that all its thoughts and really intimate feelings are now really exposed for the whole world to see, but once it calmed down it realized that there was nothing to be ashamed of in its feelings for and thoughts about Master and Mistress, so even if it is embarrassed it will be happy to show its inner self, flaws and all, proudly to the world as a possession of Master and Mistress and as a display of Their ownership of it, dominance over it, and, at the very least, patience with it!

8-18-11

Ah journal, so many things to talk to you about again! Aren’t you excited? it went to bed early last night so unfortunately it did not discover until the morning that sister wished to talk with it. it read sisters journal last night and found it extremely illuminating, its difficult to estimate just how much; it is just so incredibly refreshing and informing to see a different perspective on everything so carefully recorded, particularly its sister’s experience of her service to Master and Mistress. it is already certain that by studying its sister’s journal it will gain insights into its own motivations and reactions to Master and Mistress and hopefully be able to serve better thereby, or at least understand better. it also helped it really understand a lot better who sister herself is, interestingly through that same lens of our shared possesionhood by Master and Mistress. So sister and it had a number of things to talk about and clarify since we had both seen each others journals for the first time, which it very much enjoyed doing. Once Mistress got home it then got to have a conference call with Master and Mistress and sister which was very interesting for an entirely different set of reasons. Since it wasn’t in a private space and there wasn’t really anywhere private to go, Master and Mistress decided, at sister’s suggestion, that it was to speak to Them using its ‘public’ voice, speaking to Master and Mistress using Their names and using ordinary pronouns to refer to itself which is something that it hasn’t been trained in or had any experience with so far. Journal, it cannot describe to you how unfathomably difficult this was, way more so even than it expected of itself when it realized that was what it was going to have to do. it almost found it painful to not be able to refer to Master and Mistress as They are, it felt excruciatingly like it was cutoff from Their dominance of it. it is very strange, it never realized how important it was in maintaining that sacred bond of submission for it to always refer to Master and Mistress as Master and Mistress and to itself as a slave ought to be referred to, while it usually leaves its phone calls with Master and Mistress feeling exhilarated and rejuvenated this time because it felt almost like it ‘couldn’t play the game’ that everyone else was still engaging in, afterwards it felt even more ravenous for Master and Mistress’ dominance of it and an even deeper yearning to submit to Them. Honestly journal, it really kind of sucked, no less because it constantly kept slipping and falling back into protocol (which probably raised more than a few eyebrows to its most-certainly-eavesdropping dad) but it is grateful for it not only because it gave it practice in a skill that it will have to be adept at even if it doesn’t like, but even much more so because it so vividly and forcefully impressed upon it how deeply Master and Mistress possess it, how lost it is without being able to express its submission to Them, how painful even the least distance -- even in terms of being able to express its bond with them -- from Them is and how confused and clumsy it is when it isn’t able to simply be Theirs.

8-19-11

Journal today it has little to report. it practiced its affirmation early in the morning, this time practicing the new position ‘punishment.’ Again, it must admit it rather enjoyed practicing this position. Being in it and saying the word made it think of the times it will surely find itself in that position for real, and made it wish for Master and Mistress to be there, punishing it. it knows it should not desire punishment, since that means it has in some way failed Master and Mistress, which is the worst thing in the world, but it does yearn for Their attention, and punishment means something beyond that it has done something bad; it means that while it has failed Master and Mistress, Master and Mistress despite its failure love it and care for it enough to work hard to correct its flaws and help it become a better slave for Master and Mistress. it will work hard to build this association with the position as it practices it. it should like if it can train itself such that all the position commands instinctively bring abut an appropriate gut level response, such as in this case, deep shame and unguarded presentation of that shame to Master and Mistress, much like the way sister described last night her reflexive response to positively and negatively reinforcing trigger words, as a further layer of the meaningfulness as well as practical effectiveness of each of the positions. Anyway journal it has little else to report than this, it texted with Mistress a little bit where we talked about its issues with the ‘public’ mode and She encouraged it that it will get easier with time, and it told Her when its last day of work should be before it leaves to be with Master and Mistress which is (thank the gods! -- and Master and Mistress!) just about only a month and a week away.

8-20-11

Journal, it cannot think of much to say today. it has just performed its affirmation and is writing in you quickly before work. it again worked on developing the sequence of associations as it practiced the new position, and as always they made the affirmation much easier since it was already in such a state. However, it does find -- and rather enjoys the fact that -- when it practices a position before its affirmation the nature of the affirmation is in some way ‘flavored’ by the characteristic of the practiced position. So today its affirmation was very powerful for it; the feelings of shame and guilt and yearning to be punished melted into blissfuly humility, vulnerability and overpoweringly intense submission to Master and Mistress, it was a wonderful state and it wished it could have stayed there longer. it is a curious thing, journal. it has been so intensely emotionally focused on Master and Mistress lately, even moreso than usual. it can’t put its finger on it at all, but it’s almost like something has changed. Everything about its relationship with Master and Mistress just seems so much realer and deeper, and a depth that seems not only to be truly bottomless but continually and acceleratingly deepening. Maybe it is just the accumulation of different interactions, or maybe enough time has passed that internally it is relaxing a little and opening up internal emotional passageways, but as much as it is at a loss to explain it it is equally overjoyed at it. it wants its commitment to and feelings for Master and Mistress to deepen and keep deepening. its only afraid that it is getting out to very deep waters and is hypnotically drawn to deeper waters -- and it can’t swim, and it doesn’t remember which direction shore is but, so so thankfully, none of that matters because its not in the open ocean all alone, Master and Mistress are the ones carrying it further and further along, revealing more of whats inside of it, and its completely trusts Them to not let it drown.

8-21-11

Journal, again it is afraid that it doesn’t have much to up-date you on today. it has just performed its affirmation and briefly spoken with Mistress -- apparently She and sister are doing laundry now, which it is sure is super fun, it wishes it could help Them do laundry too. Again, it boggles its mind just how perfect all of this is. ‘Doing laundry’ = ‘sucks and is boring’, usually, but, as it is sure sister is thinking right now ‘Doing laundry for Master and Mistress’ = ‘made of awesome and win.’ it is just so incredibly amazing for it how the connection of ownership and service, like the philosopher’s stone, just seems to turn everything, even the worst or most mundane of things, from lead into gold. it wishes it understood better how this process worked psychologically, even from a purely objective and intellectual standpoint, but the best part is that it doesn’t matter and it doesn’t have to worry about that because even if it can’t understand why all aspects of serving Master and Mistress are so overridingly satisfying, to it they are, and that is so much more important than anything that its understanding of the process really just doesn’t matter.