Destiny 6/20/2011- 6/26/2011

6-20-11

slave is overjoyed and very disappointed in itself all at once (which, strangely, isn’t that out of character for it.) it was so happy when Mistress called it, especially since it knew what was going to happen. its heart was *pounding*, its head was spinning. it noticed for the first time that it instinctively gets on its knees with its chest down after a moment or two of Master or Mistress talking to it (which, actually, is probably not the best thing for its cell-phone’s reception.) it was so happy to admit that it wanted Master and Mistress to own it, it is so fascinatingly paradoxical how asking to be put into bondage sets its heart free. But, it hates itself. Seemingly like always in its life, just when things were going good and the spotlight was on it and it had a chance to shine, it screwed things up. it wanted to impress Master and Mistress by formally pleading to beg and then begging for Master and Mistress to own it, but it was so nervous it didn’t beg at all after pleading, and when it was asking to be own it was so nervous it fumbled on its tongue and at the most key moment failed to call itself ‘it.’ As soon as the word left its mouth it froze, it felt like it could have died on the spot. Of course, Master and Mistress who are always so wonderful to it were gracious and acted like it didn’t even happen, but it hates itself. it wants Master and Mistress to be proud of it, but it always seems to make stupid mistakes.  Still, it will try to put these thoughts out of its mind, it needs to focus. it is owned now. this is the beginning of a completely new chapter of its life…really, nothing will be the same again. it wonders if it will ever really be able to appreciate the impact of what’s happening.

6-21-11

slave had mostly an uneventful day, staying at home and trying to keep up with its work. it does have that feeling today though, that wonderful feeling it has felt a few times before, like the first day of spring, like falling in love. This is the first day it is owned, and the old world is made new again. it decided to stay in its affirmation longer than it is required to today, treating it like a meditation. In order to fulfill its command to perform the affirmation, it has always treated it mentally like an exercise in Dhyana on Master and Mistress [for the sake of Master and Mistress’ taking its meaning, Dhyana is a meditative technique in which you try to focus literally on nothing else apart from the form of the thing you are meditating on. Unlike in contemplation, in which you let the chosen thing you are considering flow into different topics and consider different aspects of it, in Dhyana you hold nothing in your mind but the form of your chosen object, not considering its facets or what its related to or memories of it, but shunning all other thoughts and intensely fixating on the essence of the thing.] but instead this time it occurred to it that this way not necessarily the purpose of the affirmation, which is primarily a means, or so it seems to it, of maintaining the link between Master & Mistress and slave when they are apart. So instead it turned its mental energy toward evoking the sensation of presence. it tried to feel as if Master and Mistress were there with it, or rather it with them, standing behind it as it knelt with its head on the floor in the corner. it let the flow of its energetic body flow out into the visualizations. it felt its desire to be with Master and Mistress grow, as it felt their imagined presence seem to become realer and realer, it realized that it was even possible that, for at least a moment while it was doing this, Master or Mistress may have thought of it, and so we really were connected. it began feeling hot, probably from the intense contemplation and moving energy from its body. it realizes it desperately wanted Master and Mistress’ collar around its neck, or their hands, its desire for Their presence grew quite intense before it finished the extra affirmation, and text Mistress, and sit down to write this.

6-22-11

slave had a very exciting and tiring day today. it drove to Atlanta to see its endocrinologist. it loves long drives, they help it get its head clear almost always. it was in a very good mood much as it has been the past few weeks, but it was particularly struck on an emotional level by certain thoughts, which were really triggered by a song that came up on its ipod early in the 4 hour drive. it almost immediately started bawling as it listened to a certain lyric in a song it loves, but they were tears of bittersweet. Obviously, it remembers the specifics, so to avoid belaboring the point, the line that struck it was about meeting someone by accident who completely swept you off your feet, and how that manifests particularly as feeling the restfulness in someone else, talking about how with very special people who are ‘it’ for you (or it, in its case) what really lets you know is that you want them at the end and beginning of your days, that they are ‘home’ for you. it made it remember the other times it has felt this in its life, and while its aware it is probably quite cliche and common, it was struck by how all the very significant relationships have come about by a very strange sequence of concidences, and how easily it falls into this desire to find ‘rest’ in those it cares about. it realizes what it is saying right now might not make a lot of sense to anyone else. it struck it that its relationship with Master and Mistress absolutely fit this description, both how delicate were the circumstances that brought it to Them such that it could easily have happened another way, and how much, even when in the difficulty of serving Them (it knows that honestly it hasn’t had to do much yet, but) it finds rest and absolute peace in Their ownership of it. it feels like it is rambling, its so hard to put its finger on exactly what it was feeling in words, but it was very powerful and wonderful for it. So it was also very happy when Mistress called to check on it, especially the way She referred to it, and it found the discussion about hormones very illuminating. When it got home it performed its affirmation and texted Mistress as She commanded it. its actually somewhat worried that She hasn’t texted it back, it knows She was driving from the airport. Maybe They will contact it later tonight, it is really looking forward to being able to talk to Master and Mistress in depth again.

6-23-11

The talk it had with Mistress tonight was very informative for it. it feels so bad that its phone kept dropping the signal, it hopes it may be able to work something out where it will be able to talk to Master and Mistress maybe through its internet, if it has enough usage left over at its period’s end, which should be more reliable. Again, while it knows this journal is for it, it is hesitant to say certain things because it knows its thoughts and feelings will be completely exposed to Master and Mistress. it knows this is an incorrect way to think, and is trying to correct it. But suffice it to say, it was very happy when Mistress, in talking about more long term plans, was so interested in what its goals and plans were, not just in its service but its life. (it was honestly taken aback by the question about its goals as a slave, it never even entered its mind that the slave would have goals independent of Master or Mistress. it realizes it needs to research more.) and it truly moved it when Mistress told it that Their goal for it was that it would succeed. While it knows it is probably exaggerating, it has been so long since it has had someone say something so positive like that to it, it really feels like it has never been so well cared for. it was was very happy to hear that, obviously depending on what happens, especially, it supposes, on its actions it would have the opportunity to be a part of Master and Mistress’ family. it has always seen that deeper connection, really impossible or somehow obscured in vanilla, to be the most attractive part of the BDSM lifestyle, but it is embarrassed about this subject and what Mistress said to it so it will say no more. it was also excited when Mistress told it it would have the opportunity to be trained as an alpha-slave. while it has always emphasized its submissiveness, and actually really is hard pressed to come up with dominating feelings, for some reason the idea of ‘alpha-slave’ seems to be about the right balance between the two for it. but it knows its getting ahead of itself.

6-24-11

it is ashamed. it will not write much tonight, because it doesn’t feel like it will be very productive. it has failed Master and Mistress. why does it always screw everything up? why does it always pay too much attention to one little thing and not the bigger picture? it failed to text Mistress that it was being kept late at work like it should have, merely because it didn’t want to bother her, but it was such a stupid idea. it was commanded to do so, it wasn’t really that it was unclear, just that it thought it would be home in time, or something. it cried, bawling at full volume the entire time it was kneeling in affirmation, but that wasn’t the worst part. it heard, it really genuinely heard anger in Mistress’ voice at it. the most horrible feeling. the pain of the books was a relief, comparatively. it needs to go to sleep.

6-25-11

it hopes that it was able to make up for some of its failures to Master and Mistress today, but it realizes that, even though it asked to do something for Master and Mistress, in their usual way, they have instead given a gift to it. it is quite late now, and it is talking to Master as it writes this, which it is glad about, while of course it loves talking to Mistress it is looking forward to also talking more to Master, since it knows in its heart it is owned by both of Them. it has also watched part of the video Mistress gave it, which it found quite interesting (the slave is so bratty at the beginning, though! maybe it isn’t any better?) and it feels like it will be quite easy to learn the positions Mistress told it about in the link…although, working only from a picture and description, it will probably do them incorrectly and need to be corrected, it will also probably be harder to maintain them in a correct way when it is, for example, receiving punishment or kept in them for a very long time. Still, the main thing it is happy about is that now it has something that it can actively work on in order to improve its ability to serve Master and Mistress. it still wishes it could have done something to directly please Master and Mistress though, but that was not Their perfect will. Speaking of which, Master has told it to go to sleep, so it will stop rambling and turn off the computer.

6-26-11

      it *very* much enjoyed writing its list of interests for Master and Mistress. it was actually an incredibly introspective moment for it, it had always thought of itself as kind of dull, but when it was made to actually sit down and more or less take stock of itself, it realized it actually thought of itself as being able to do a lot, haha. Which is why it was sent over the top when it was praised for its work by Master and Mistress. it really hopes that by being so honest and open Master and Mistress will be able to see what kind of a thing it is, and then They will know how better it may serve Them. it knows from its own perspective that writing it made it realize that it did at least have some things it could offer to Master and Mistress, who offer so much to it. Also, it was pleased to hear that Master and Mistress are gamers. it used to play games quite a lot, but kind of cut it off all at once since gaming is usually seen as a masculine activity. it actually was quite happy that it might have something in common with Master and Mistress already, and might have a way to interact with them. Are M/s relationships maintained in a virtual world?? these are questions that have never occurred to it before...